​A lighthearted look at the news of the day:

Michael Bloomberg wants to join the list of Democrats running for president. Why? Because when you’re 77, where else can you go to feel young?
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Worst case scenario, Bloomberg ends up as the younger running mate to either Joe Biden or Bernie Sanders.
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Hey, it beats hanging out with the other 77-year-olds down at the corner cafe, where all they do is complain about politics.
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One interesting note: Most of the serious presidential contenders this year are immune from the “OK, boomer” jokes making the rounds among young people these days. That’s because they’re all older than baby boomers.
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Speaking of politics, the race to become the Republican candidate for governor of Utah is easy to confuse with the race for the Democratic nomination for president. Either one could qualify for its own group insurance policy.
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Some lists include 14 possible Republicans candidates for governor. The primary may come down to which candidate can get not only his or her family, but the family next door, to vote.
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Maybe the impeachment hearings are a giant ruse to distract us all from how the government is set to shut down this week unless there is a budget agreement.
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Americans would like to worry about these things, but too many of them are trying to book their summer vacations to Fitzgerald, Georgia, which soon will be home to a 62-foot rooster that uses 16 tons of steel and plant materials and has an apartment for rent inside. This promises to be the biggest thing since Cawker City, Kansas, scored the world’s largest ball of twine, which weighs 5,000 pounds and stands 8 feet tall. If your timing is right, you could hit the annual twine-a-thon on your way to a night in the chicken, but then what would you do the next summer?
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The mayor is using tax money dedicated to tourism to build the chicken. The whole thing will cost $150,000, which isn’t chicken fee … well, you get the idea.

A lighthearted look at the news of the day:
 
Latest polls show Joe Biden has extended his lead in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination. This despite a last-minute surge by newcomer Pierre Delecto.
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Pierre Delecto is the name Utah Sen. Mitt Romney chose for a “lurker” account he created on Twitter. Think of it as a modern Publius, the pseudonym Alexander Hamilton would have used to tweet (or perhaps rap) support for the Federalist Papers, just in case anyone today really cared about the Constitution.
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President Trump has used the name David Dennison, among others. Anthony Weiner used to use Carlos Danger. As Shakespeare might have said, a rose by any other name still has only a 280 character limit per tweet.
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Or, perhaps, a rose by any other name still can be identified by the family dog riding atop the car.
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The best part about Pierre Delecto is you can go out as him Thursday night just by sticking a French mustache on a Mitt Romney mask. Then you can embark on a fun night of Trick or Tweets.
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That won’t be quite as obvious as the group of Republican Congress members who stormed a closed-door Democratic impeachment hearing last week dressed as a group of Republican Congress members.
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The Washington Wizards were called for 32 fouls in their season opener Wednesday night, proving, if nothing else, that Republican politicians aren’t the only people in the capital city who don’t like whistle blowers.
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Never mind all that, the current state of things in Washington has made Halloween actually seem delightful — a rare time when the scary things in life are really just hiding the adorable smiles of happy children.
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Just for fun, you could gather the neighborhood children together and have them all go out as Democratic presidential candidates on Halloween. It would be hard, however, to explain to the immature ones that they have to stay home unless they get at least 5% support in the polls.
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Disney unveiled the final trailer for its new Star Wars movie during a football game last week. Surprisingly, this one seems to involve a struggle between good and evil, with lightsabers and some special effects.

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A lighthearted look at the news of the day:
 
Scientists have discovered a planet that has water, a rocky surface and mild temperatures similar to those on earth. The catch? It’s twice as big as earth, meaning that its gravitational pull is stronger. Here’s a question to throw out at your next party. If earth no longer was habitable, would you move to a planet where you would weigh twice as much, or just stay here and die?
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While you’re weighing that, the good news is the new planet is 110 light years away. That means you would have a lot of time to work out in the spaceship’s gym before reaching your new heavy home.
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Also, your chances of gaining weight on this new planet are small. If you order an extra-thick milkshake, you’ll be worn out after lifting it for one sip.
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Of course, this also means that if any people already live on this planet, the view they’re getting of us is 110 years old. We probably should wire ahead that we’re bringing the Kardashians, Miley Cyrus and smartphones, and that we won’t be needing an extra robust Air Force One to carry a suddenly twice-as-heavy William Howard Taft.
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Folks building Utah’s new prison near Salt Lake International Airport say cells inside will be stacked like Legos. Actually, it might be a more fitting punishment for the worst offenders if Legos were spread across the floors and their shoes were taken away.
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Acoustics must be bad at the U.S. Capitol these days. Progressive House Democrats are talking about impeachment proceedings against President Trump, but House Speaker Nancy Pelosi thinks she hears them talking about fresh peaches in the House lunchroom.
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Impeachment hearings — that’s something Americans need heading into the 2020 election season. At the very least, it would confuse the Russians who are trying to rig everything.
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Investigators now say a flight from Frankfurt to Cancun earlier this year had to make a sudden landing in Ireland because the pilot spilled coffee that was so hot it started melting the plane’s controls. Airline engineers, hard at work since this incident, now think they have devised a fix for this problem. They’re calling it a “lid.”

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​A lighthearted look at the news of the day:
 
This is the week we finally get to see people knocking heads and tackling each other without caring which political party they represent.
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The great thing about concussion seas … er … football season, is that every time you hear the word “hike,” you don’t have to check your wallet to see if politicians have raised taxes. 
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President Trump’s plan to purchase Greeland could be called the Three Stooges Doctrine. It’s all Nuuk, Nuuk, Nuuk.
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Actually, if this sale thing happens, Nuuk could be the next trendy vacation spot, until Americans figure out the land isn’t really green.
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The Danish prime minister called Trump’s suggestion about buying Greenland “absurd.” The president responded that the prime minister’s comment was “nasty,” and he canceled an upcoming trip to Denmark. This is known as posturing. It’s the only thing the president has left after he discovered he couldn’t just press the “buy it now” button.
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With global warming on the way, the president undoubtedly knows a good deal when he sees it. And, after all, Denmark’s not really doing anything with Greenland. Maybe he ought to see if the prime minister would go for a rent-to-own deal.
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On second thought, the last time we tried that we ended up having to give back the Panama Canal.
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Of course, the United States might want to think about fixing some Park Service toilets and paying down the debt a bit before buying another island.
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Actually, Greenland is emerging as a possibly energy rich prize as the climate warms. Denmark should know that we could offer a better deal than China for the island, even though we would have to borrow more money … from China.
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Democratic hopeful Jay Inslee dropped out of the race last week, disappointing possibly tens of people.
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Inslee’s decision raised questions about how many other obscure Democrats might remain in the race.
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ABC television raised a ruckus last week by inviting former White House spokesman Sean Spicer to be on Dancing With the Stars. Actually, he seems like a natural, given how he used to dance around questions from reporters.

A lighthearted look at the news of the day:
 
Americans spend about $8 billion a year on cosmetics, and nearly $17 billion on cosmetic surgeries, mostly to make themselves look younger. Then as soon as someone comes up with an app that shows how they will look when old and withered, they flock to it.
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FaceApp is a popular new phone application that will show you how you might look years from now. Curiously, not many people over 60 are using it. They already have the before and after photos.
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FaceApp also is owned by a Russian company. Critics warn it may do more than just age the photos in your phone. It may be part of a larger plot to destroy the country. But who cares about that when we’re having so much fun?
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The Berkeley City Council decided to rewrite the English language last week, removing all references to gender. Manholes now are “maintenance holes.” Manmade is “artificial.” He and she are to be replaced with the oddly plural “they.” All I can say is, person oh person, what a theystoric decision!
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Last Saturday marked the 50th anniversary of the day every complaint about an inferior product or service would forever more begin with, “We can put a man on the moon, but …”
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Also, this is the day, 172 years ago, when pioneers first entered the Salt Lake Valley and heard those famous words, “If we could just get one more good free agent, this is the place of a future NBA championship.”
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The U.S. military claimed it shot down an Iranian drone in the Strait of Hormuz last week, not too many days after Iran shot down a U.S. drone. The American drone was a sophisticated and expensive piece of equipment. Iran, on the other hand, was irritated to lose its drone so soon after Prime day had ended.
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Not only that, it’s irritating to have to keep asking the Ayatollah for his Amazon password.

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A lighthearted look at the news of the day:
 
The U.S. women’s soccer team was criticized because Alex Morgan pantomimed sipping a cup of tea after scoring a goal against the British team, which was seen by some as making fun of British culture. The British team could have reacted in kind against American culture, but it would have taken too long to pantomime eating a burger, fries and a stack of bacon.
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The first round of debates among Democratic presidential candidates gave Americans an in depth 10-second look at each one. To be fair, that’s more time than Americans gave “The Alec Baldwin Show” on ABC.
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Some parents are hiring coaches to teach their families how to stop using mobile phones so much. One such coach explained her strategy to the New York Times. “Is there a ball somewhere? Throw the ball.” A network of such coaches charges up to $250 an hour to parents in large cities. They probably take Venmo, if you want to pay through your, um, phone.
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It’s not fair to compare generations, but somehow, I can’t imagine my parents paying several times the price of a television set to teach them how to get me to stop watching TV so much.
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The president held a summit last week to look at unfair practices by social media companies against conservative voices. He said the “fake news” media would be invited to part of the event. But some news outlets said the guest list included people who post actual fake news, including a guy who tweeted a doctored video that seemed to show Joe Biden getting a shoulder massage. l’m guessing whoever was invited to provide music for this event had to just hum a few bars and fake it.


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