Jay Evensen
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On Second Thought for Sept. 30, 2019

9/30/2019

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A lighthearted look at the news of the day:
 
Coming this fall to a TV network near you, an event sure to unite the country and get us all to recognize those Russian-implanted fake political memes when we see them on Facebook and Instagram — impeachment hearings!
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Yes, grab the kids! Get a blanket! Gather around the television set! Then pick it up and heave it out the window.
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My guess is whoever Russia appointed to be in charge of fomenting contention in U.S. democracy is enjoying a prolonged vacation by the Black Sea. No need to kickstart a perpetual motion machine.
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The transcript of President Trump’s phone conversation with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy was alarming. Imagine Zelenskiy saying he hopes he wins more elections just so he can get more phone calls from Donald Trump!
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Halfway through the phone call, the subject turned to defense, and Zelenskiy tells the president, “...we are almost ready to buy more Javelins from the United States for defense purposes.” No wonder Ukraine is having trouble with Russia. Can’t we do better than to sell them a few spears?
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Zelenskiy reminds Trump that the last time he went to New York he stayed at the Trump Towers. There’s an inappropriate hint at a free night’s stay if I ever heard one.
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I read through the entire whistleblower’s account. I can save you the trouble. Turns out nobody ever actually blows a whistle.
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More hamburger chains are beginning to offer burgers made with plant-based substitutes that look and taste like beef. Sort of puts a new twist on those old commercials with Clara Peller. Where, exactly, is the beef?
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Here’s an idea worthy of a government grant or two: Get scientists to work on a real beef burger that tastes like it’s made entirely of plants. Call it the “impossible to sell” burger.
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On Second Thought for Sept. 16, 2019

9/13/2019

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A lighthearted look at the news of the day:
 
Scientists have discovered a planet that has water, a rocky surface and mild temperatures similar to those on earth. The catch? It’s twice as big as earth, meaning that its gravitational pull is stronger. Here’s a question to throw out at your next party. If earth no longer was habitable, would you move to a planet where you would weigh twice as much, or just stay here and die?
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While you’re weighing that, the good news is the new planet is 110 light years away. That means you would have a lot of time to work out in the spaceship’s gym before reaching your new heavy home.
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Also, your chances of gaining weight on this new planet are small. If you order an extra-thick milkshake, you’ll be worn out after lifting it for one sip.
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Of course, this also means that if any people already live on this planet, the view they’re getting of us is 110 years old. We probably should wire ahead that we’re bringing the Kardashians, Miley Cyrus and smartphones, and that we won’t be needing an extra robust Air Force One to carry a suddenly twice-as-heavy William Howard Taft.
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Folks building Utah’s new prison near Salt Lake International Airport say cells inside will be stacked like Legos. Actually, it might be a more fitting punishment for the worst offenders if Legos were spread across the floors and their shoes were taken away.
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Acoustics must be bad at the U.S. Capitol these days. Progressive House Democrats are talking about impeachment proceedings against President Trump, but House Speaker Nancy Pelosi thinks she hears them talking about fresh peaches in the House lunchroom.
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Impeachment hearings — that’s something Americans need heading into the 2020 election season. At the very least, it would confuse the Russians who are trying to rig everything.
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Investigators now say a flight from Frankfurt to Cancun earlier this year had to make a sudden landing in Ireland because the pilot spilled coffee that was so hot it started melting the plane’s controls. Airline engineers, hard at work since this incident, now think they have devised a fix for this problem. They’re calling it a “lid.”

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