A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Because the hassles of removing shoes and belts for security checks and spending hours in seats that assume you are a foot shorter and 50 pounds lighter aren’t annoying enough, the Federal Communications Commission is thinking about letting people yack on cell phones during flights.
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The perfect flight – occupying the middle seat between someone with a crying baby and a teenager whose boyfriend is breaking up with her over the phone.
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If Wilbur and Orville had known it would come to this, they might have abandoned Kitty Hawk and gone to work inventing the toaster oven instead.
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Airline travel is the one industry where customer service seems to be headed by former members of the Spanish Inquisition.
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Afghanistan’s president, Hamid Karzai, says of Washington, “I don’t trust them and they don’t trust me.” Sounds like the tea party ought to recruit him to run for Congress.
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Lucky Karzai — at least he has a Loya Jirga, made up of tribal elders, he can turn to when he wants to get things done. In the Loya Jirga, filibusters are dealt with harshly, although going nuclear is not an option.
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The way Republicans see it, the only places where nuclear weapons have been used as an act of war are Hiroshima, Nagasaki and the United States Senate.
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Senate President Harry Reid and Senate Democrats changed the rules so Republicans no longer can filibuster presidential appointments. Reid strongly opposed such a thing eight years ago when Republicans ran the Senate. He said his feelings had “evolved.” We’ll see whether they evolve again after the next election.
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The pilot of a Boeing 747 Dreamlifter landed at the wrong airport in Kansas last week — on a runway barely long enough to accommodate the plane. Well, I assume the pilot was a man. We never think to ask for directions.
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Have you ever thought of how everyone who lives in Gettysburg, Pa., has his or her own Gettysburg address?
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You never hear presidents these days saying, “The world will little note nor longer remember what I say here.” Or maybe they do but we just don’t remember it.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

The building formerly known as the Sears Tower no longer is the tallest in the United States after construction workers put a telephone book under the new One World Trade Center in New York.
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Actually, New York’s new building cleared the former Sears Tower (now the Willis Tower) by the length of a needle, or spire, on top. If it had been functional, like an antenna, its height wouldn’t have counted. Well, sure, it’s not like anyone would get up there to adjust the thing when reception was poor.
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This intercity rivalry was decided by an official board of serious-looking architects. But it’s kind of a meaningless competition. Saudi Arabia is planning a structure so tall the nation has petitioned to move the moon back slightly.
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The Patriot-News of Harrisburg, Pa., officially apologized last week for an editorial in 1863 that panned President Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. No word yet on whether the writer of that piece will be placed on suspension.
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In his defense, the editorial writer figured Lincoln’s speech had bombed because virtually no one was tweeting about it.
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The paper said, “We write today in reconsideration of ‘The Gettysburg Address.’” Apparently, the editors finally became convinced the “silly” speech just wasn’t going to fade away.
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But seriously, while we’re at it, how about some other apologies for dumb things through the years? Let’s hear from the relatives of Lord Kelvin, the guy who said in 1895, “Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” How about the railroads that had such loose firearms regulations in the 19th century they let people indiscriminately shoot buffalo out the window? And what about whoever invented the mullet haircut?
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The Obama administration last week triumphantly announced it enrolled enough people for Obamacare last month to nearly fill a football stadium.
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Continuing the metaphor, the president said, “We fumbled the rollout on this health care law.” Apparently, we’re still trying to unscramble the pile to see if he also lost possession.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

What the president meant to say was, “If you like your doctor, if you like your health plan, you will be able to keep your memories of them.”
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Someone in Arizona apparently found out it was possible to reset other people’s passwords on the Obamacare website and then take control of their accounts. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius says there is nothing to worry about, although she is a little concerned that her own doctor now thinks she is a guy named Bill from Tucson.
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Twitter hit Wall Street last week, jumping in value by 73 percent on its first day of trading. Investors are hoping their earnings reach 140 characters.
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How many of you thought “trans fats” was just a derogatory term for the folks who take up two seats on light rail?
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The FDA announced last week it wants to ban trans fats from all processed foods. Well, at least we still got the Twinkies back.
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I guess we finally discovered the key to robust economic growth — shut down the federal government for a while.
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The economy added 204,000 jobs in October while Washington took a breather. But the bad news is a lot of unemployed people have stopped looking for work altogether because they spend all their time trying to access the Obamacare website.
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Researchers in France say retirement may be a cause of dementia. How did they rule out other factors, such as the excessive playing of golf or wearing Bermuda shorts?
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As far as I can make out, Canada has a new sordid reality show called “Mayor of Toronto.”
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But from what I’ve heard of the show, it’s so over-the-top no one will believe it.
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Utah Attorney General John Swallow says it is just coincidence that every bit of data a House investigative committee wants to see was deleted from every electronic device he owns. I hate it when that happens.
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Wouldn’t it be an interesting coincidence if the state elections office couldn’t find any records showing John Swallow was ever elected attorney general?

A lighthearted look at news of the day:
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The Boston Red Sox learned the key to winning the World Series, which is to have your players look like the Taliban in order to intimidate your opponent.
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The last time the Red Sox won the series at home was in 1918. But judging by the beards of current players, they have more in common with those who played in 1880.
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At one point, I couldn’t tell whether it was Rutherford B. Hayes or ZZ Top at bat. Remember the good old days when baseball players did razor commercials? Now they can store their gloves on their chins.
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Only six people were able to sign up for Obamacare on the first day it was available last month. That sounds bad, but any good PR person could put a positive spin it. Some suggestions:
—We had more enrollees than you could comfortably stuff in your coat closet.
—We enrolled enough people for a basketball team, plus a substitute!
—If you had a dollar for everyone who signed up the first day, you could eat almost a whole lunch at a fast-food place!
—If you thought the 2012 Republican primaries were crowded, you should see all the people who signed up for Obamacare the first day!
—Talk about personal service. We know every enrollee by name!
And my personal favorite, designed to attract world leaders:
—Rest assured your information is safe. We don’t think even the NSA could penetrate this site.
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Great news — from now on you will be able to enter the airport, fly across the country and never once have to look up from your phone.
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Other than the driver’s seat of your car, an airplane below 10,000 feet was the only place you were forced to look around and at least passively acknowledge that other real people existed. Thank goodness that awkwardness is gone.
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Correction: The president of Brazil is a she, not a he. Last week I mistakenly got it wrong, which sapped the life out whatever humor there was in a lame joke. It also apparently sapped the humor out of some of you, judging from my email inbox. For that, I sincerely apologize.
Jay Evensen is associate editor of the Deseret News editorial page. Email him at [email protected]. For more content, visit his web site, www.jayevensen.com.