By Jay Evensen

Deseret News

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

President Obama has a new foreign policy motto: Speak softly and carry a golf club.

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The president took a lot of criticism for issuing a strong statement in response to the beheading of an American by a terrorist group, then hurrying back to the golf course. It put a whole new twist on the idea of coming in below par.

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If this is Obama’s new foreign policy motto, however, it isn’t clear which club the president might use, although he does seem to be puttering around in the Middle East lately.

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Actually, Iraq and Syria are starting to look like one large sand trap.

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Note to incoming college freshman: If your school offers a major in transit authority administration, you may want to sign up. A newly released audit of the Utah Transit Authority found that its general manager makes $402,187 per year. And that doesn’t even include his free transit pass.

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Perhaps something is wrong with your transit agency when pro athletes begin to aspire to work there some day so they can make real money.

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Trying to cash in on the enormously successful ice-bucket challenge to raise money for the disease ALS, people in Gaza have started dumping buckets of rubble on their heads to raise support for Palestinian statehood. It’s a guy thing.

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The rubble challenge might catch on as a way for losing football teams to honor their coach at the end of a game.

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I recently riled a lot of pot smokers by writing a column that attacked the legalization of the drug in Washington and Colorado. The nice thing about making Marijuana smokers angry is that an hour later they have forgotten all about it.

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President Obama considered Warren Buffett an ally during the 2012 election when the billionaire agreed with him on the need to tax the wealthy more. Now I’m guessing he wouldn’t even buy him a french fry at Burger King.

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Buffett is behind a deal by Burger King to buy Canada’s doughnut chain Tim Horton, allowing the hamburger chain to move its headquarters to Canada and pay less in corporate taxes. Buffett apparently just wanted a hamburger, but he became intrigued when he saw the slogan, “Have it your way.”

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Frankly, I feel a lot safer with that creepy guy in a king’s mask living across the border.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

President Obama got Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to resign recently. The normally stubborn Maliki reportedly gave in rather than accept Obama’s ice-bucket challenge.

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Suddenly, kids, grown-ups and leaders all over America are dumping ice on their heads to raise awareness for Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, better known as ALS or Lou Gehrig’s disease. This is how people in the First World feel good about themselves. People in Third World countries, meanwhile, would just like a glass of water, at any temperature.

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Former President George W. Bush even recorded himself being doused, then challenged former President Bill Clinton. Frankly, the time to throw ice water on Clinton was about 16 years ago.

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Football coaches reportedly are happy to take the challenge. It feels just like winning a game, except ice water isn’t as sticky as a cooler full of Gatorade.

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Historians can now argue over whether Babe Ruth would have dumped ice water on himself to support Lou Gehrig.

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A Travis County grand jury in Texas has indicted Gov. Rick Perry for using his constitutional veto power. That has Republicans in Washington looking for ways to throw President Obama in jail for signing certain bills.

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Perry vetoed the budget of the Public Integrity Unit, reportedly to pressure District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg to resign. Lehmberg had been convicted of drunken driving. The indictment said Perry did this “with intent to harm” Lehmberg, which apparently is not the same as Lehmberg’s potential harm to anyone in front of her headlights.

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Lehmberg’s blood alcohol level was measured at .239 percent, which meant she couldn’t wander out of no-smoking areas without becoming a fire risk. Apparently this is OK because you have to lose touch with reality to get into politics in Texas.

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For safety reasons, Yankee Stadium officials now make fans pass through metal detectors as they enter the stadium, after which they are free to drink beer and buy souvenir wooden bats from the team store.

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If this catches on at other stadiums, it will be interesting to see if the Texas Rangers make Gov. Rick Perry relinquish his veto powers at the gate, just in case Rosemary Lehmberg is at the concession stand.

By Jay Evensen

Deseret News

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Last week, Vice President Joe Biden said, “There is no reason the nation of Africa cannot and should not join the ranks of the world’s most prosperous nations.” And there is no reason the planet of Biden can’t join the Galactic Senate.

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No wonder the Obama administration has been neglecting Africa. They can’t find the president of the place, let alone figure out where the capitol is.

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Democrats accuse Republicans in Congress of plotting to impeach President Obama. My guess is no one would dare to try as long as Biden is next in line.

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Meanwhile, 14 liberal senators have signed a letter urging President Obama to designate Salt Lake County as a national monument. This wouldn’t affect much, except that you could charge an admission fee when your relatives come to the next family reunion.

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Actually, the liberal senators want Obama to declare an area around Canyonlands National Park a national monument. They said the area is a “cornerstone of the American West,” based on some pictures they saw in a book once.

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LeBron James reportedly has lost a lot of weight by going on a no-carb diet. Note to everyone else: If LeBron playing a full NBA season plus playoffs isn’t enough to drop some weight, you might want to rethink your gym membership.

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Last week the Obama administration took time out from fighting the Little Sisters of the Poor in court in provide help for a persecuted religious group in Iraq. Of course, if these folks ever obtain asylum in the United States and they start a business that refuses to provide reproductive care, all bets are off.

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Concerned about the integrity of college football, the NCAA decided last week to let schools in the big five conferences give their players more ... uh … lucrative scholarships. No one has said yet when the first draft of high school stars will be held.

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The rules are designed to help schools give the neediest players what they need to have a full college experience, provided they know how to block, tackle, pass or run with abandon while carrying a ball.

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Given that few colleges actually make a profit from their football programs, it’s a fair bet to say you can forget about enlarging the library on your favorite campus any time soon.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Is it just a coincidence that children are streaming across the border and Congress has decided to go on recess?

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100 years ago last week, World War I began. By the end, the Ottoman Empire had been destroyed, which gave rise to modern Turkey, where the deputy prime minister last week gave a speech calling on women to stop laughing in public. As they say, once war begins, no one can predict the consequences.

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No offense to the deputy prime minister, but any man who has to tell women to stop laughing probably has more problems than just trying to win an election.

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Turkey’s deputy prime minister also said it was time for women to do less talking ontheir cell phones in public. He’s in the wrong job. He should be the secretary of paranoia.

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Of course, if the Ottomans had spent less time talking about trivial things ontheir cell phones, they might still have their empire intact.

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CIA Director John Brennan apologized to members of the Senate intelligencecommittee last week after it was learned that spies had secretly accessed their computers. He also said he was sorry for messing up some of their World of Warcraft scores.

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It sounds like Ed Snowden was right. The United States really is obsessed withspying on its own people. Which makes you wonder why we can’t seem to spy on Ed Snowden.

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Seriously, what could be so important on a Senate member’s computer? Here’s a typical journal entry: “July 20 – Almost agreed to pass an important bill today, then remembered I hate the other party.”

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Actually, Congress isn’t as gridlocked as one might think. Just last week, the House agreed to sue the president.

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The lawsuit contends the president is misusing his power by changing laws without the consent of Congress. With any luck, this will wind its way through the legal system in time for the 2024 election.

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Researchers in Wales have found that people spread fewer germs through fist bumps than by shaking hands the conventional way. Makes sense. How many boxers do you seewith the common cold?

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The problem with fist bumps is they have to be timed right and given the correct velocity. Most people would prefer a common cold to broken knuckles.

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Also, fist bumps can be misinterpreted. Imagine if Jimmy Carter had tried to fistbump Anwar Sadaat and Menachem Begin after the Camp David accord in 1978. We might still be seeing violence in the Middle East.