With the presidential election now tied in many opinion polls, this is the time when Mitt Romney could really use the 1 percent.

In the third presidential debate, Barack Obama jumped on Mitt Romney for saying the Navy needs more ships. "[W]e also have fewer horses and bayonets," he said. He failed to mention that this comes despite federal bailouts to livery stables and bayonet manufacturers.

What about all those jobs being lost in bayonet factories? Those people have families, too.

The debate focused on foreign policy questions. There are no real differences between the parties on foreign policy. That's why Mitt Romney spent the evening saying he would do the same things Obama did, only better.

Word has it that a lot of undecided voters missed the debate because they couldn't decide whether to watch it or the baseball game.

Some undecideds seem to think voting is like paying income taxes. If they're not ready by Election Day, they intend to ask for an extension.

For the first time, scientists have been able to use computers to play sound recorded on a tinfoil plate in 1878 — the earliest known playback of a human voice. Oddly, the voice seems to be a politician urging more horses and bayonets for the military.

Records show the device that recorded the sound was sold by the Edison Co., for $95.50 in April of 1878. It never caught on — not because of the price, but because kids had a hard time cranking it while walking around all day with it in their backpacks.

Still, it was a huge breakthrough. Until then, the only way kids could ignore their parents was to sing to each other.

Seriously, it's a good thing the recording industry evolved slowly. If someone had used Thomas Edison's first recording device to capture "Gangnam Style," Edison might have given up and gone back to being a telegraph operator.

Time magazine came out with a list of the top Halloween costumes this year. Big Bird didn't make it, probably because most parents can't afford the costume without some government funding.

In Utah, paramedics are working hard to help congressional candidates in districts 1 to 3 keep breathing. Seems that Mia Love and Jim Matheson are using up all the oxygen.

• Protesters across Europe paused from torching cars and throwing rocks last week to celebrate the European Union winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

• Jubilant EU officials said they would be happy to travel to Oslo to accept the prize, except they can’t seem to find the money for airfare.

• Meanwhile, the Greeks are wondering what the peace prize might fetch on eBay.

• There hasn’t been this much head-scratching since the Nobel committee awarded Barack Obama for not being named George W. Bush.

• I don’t want to say gas prices are high in California, but it’s now just about cheaper to buy a new SUV — provided it comes with a full tank — than it is to fill up the old one.

• They don’t call it the Golden State for nothing. And right now, gold is going for about three gallons an ounce there.

• Hugo Chavez proved last week that you can win an election even if you don’t win a debate, or even submit to one.

• All you need is a winning smile, a warm personality and the power to force all media to broadcast your speeches, force government workers to campaign for you and suppress dissent.

• Salt Lake County officials have decided to send out property tax notices this week rather than wait until early November, which is too close to Halloween. One scary thing at a time, please.

• Meanwhile, health officials are still cool to my festive idea — spook house flu-shot clinics. At some point during the scary tour of a haunted house, a monster would come out of nowhere and stab customers with a syringe.  Why not make health care fun?

American Airlines is offering a new pay feature designed to help the troubled airline out of financial difficulty. For a slight additional charge, the airline will actually bolt your seat to the floor.
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Airline officials say the three separate flights in which seats came unbolted recently were not related to labor problems at American. Passengers may have loosened the seats over the years by spilling sodas. Suddenly, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s ears perked up.
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Bloomberg, by the way, has briefly turned his attention from banning sodas. Now he wants to take away the one thing little children who need a tonsillectomy can look forward to — ice cream in the hospital. Am I the only one who suspects Bloomberg is hiding a secret stash of goodies somewhere at his house, and that he laughs maniacally as he eats them alone?
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Bloomberg wants to limit the junk food people eat in hospitals. Word is Mary Poppins was seen wandering outside New York Presbyterian begging for just a spoonful of sugar.
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Meanwhile, somewhere in Denver police are still looking for Jim Lehrer, who reportedly was wandering the streets muttering, “Their two minutes are up but they just won’t stop talking!”
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Lehrer was supposed to moderate the first presidential debate this week. However, he disappeared shortly after introductions and hasn’t been seen since.
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Meanwhile, a beleaguered President Barack Obama was telling Americans that “was not the real Mitt Romney” he debated. Of course — the bolt in his neck, the smoke coming out of his ears, it all makes sense now.
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Meanwhile, Americans are eagerly anticipating Vice President Joe Biden’s performance at his upcoming debate with Paul Ryan — kind of the way American Airlines passengers eagerly look to see if anything comes unbolted during takeoff.
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Biden told an audience last week that the middle class has been “buried” for the past four years, apparently forgetting he was part of the administration during that time.
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That’s OK, Mr. vice president, a lot of Americans forgot you were part of the administration during that time, too.
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An Orem man was confused recently when his yellow Labrador called him on the telephone at work. As any fan of The Jetsons or Scooby Doo can attest, there is nothing unusual in this.
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The dog, Maya, reportedly shrugged and said this isn’t such a big thing for a dog to do, except that she often forgets she now has to dial the area code for local calls.