By Jay Evensen

Deseret News

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

This is the time of year when people forget Alex Lewyt, president of the Lewyt Vacuum Cleaner Co., and go on to write predictions for the new year and beyond. Lewyt predicted we would have nuclear-powered vacuums by now.

---

Actually, every time of the year is when people forget Lewyt. Imagine having little mushroom clouds of dust all over your house.

---

Actually, I think I heard the president of Iran say he only wanted to enrich uranium to make peaceful vacuum cleaners.

---

Lewyt isn’t alone in making bad predictions, of course. In 1949, Popular Mechanics went out on a limb and said computers in the future would weigh no more than 1.5 tons. That’s technically true, of course. Ironically, however, today’s computers weigh only ounces. It’s the people who weigh tons.

---

Folks today won’t go out on a limb because the limb won’t hold them.

---

In 1900, the Ladies Home Journal said by the year 2000 we no longer would have the letters C, X, or Q. That would have been bad news for students at Xavier College in Cincinnati, the Queen City.

---

In 1876, the president of Western Union predicted the telephone never would amount to much because it “has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.” Given what a lot of people use their smart phones for these day, he may have been onto something.

---

In addition to predicting the future, people make resolutions this time of year. We like to tell ourselves we will lose weight and write the great American novel. Then we spend the rest of the year complaining about politicians who can’t keep their promises.

---

Speaking of which, 2014 will be a big election year. That is a reminder for you to change the batteries in your remote so you can dodge those political ads more quickly.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

This is the week when Americans turn from their anger and suspicion toward NSA spying and look with glee toward a man in a red suit who apparently knows when we’re sleeping, when we’re awake and whether we have been good or bad.

--- 

Maybe NSA really stands for NorthPole Santa Alliance.

---

Peek through the windows of that new NSA complex in Bluffdale. If you see a bunch of elves wearing headphones and staring at computers, be very afraid.

---

This much is sure — no married man working for the NSA has any excuse for not knowing exactly what his wife wants for Christmas.

---

Meanwhile, Ed Snowden reportedly is working on a deal to obtain asylum from Brazil. Winter nights in Russia are no carnival in Rio. Most people don’t need to uncover state secrets to figure that out.

---

You would think with all the NSA’s eavesdropping ability, they would have some idea of the secrets Ed Snowden still has left to release.

---

Dennis Rodman is on another trip to North Korea. He and Kim Jong Un seem to have a good relationship. Rodman should worry, however, if Kim ever tells him he “loves him like an uncle.”

---

Kim executed his uncle, Jang Song Thaek, as a traitor. My guess is the next family reunion will be a bit awkward, but Kim will get the largest piece of cake.

---

Rodman says Kim just wants President Obama to call him. That’s because Kim won’t allow anyone else in North Korea to own a phone and he needs someone to talk to.

---

General Motors has hired its first female CEO. I guess that puts the final nail in the coffin of all those “women driver” jokes from the 1950s.

Rep. Trey Radel of Florida completed his drug rehab program last week and announced he is returning to Washington to do what “you sent me to do.” Apparently, what Floridians sent him to do involves meeting regularly with a parole officer.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Apparently, the people in charge of a memorial service for Nelson Mandela last week decided to bring in a third base coach to flash signs at the hard of hearing.

---

No one was sure what was happening until President Obama tried to lay down a bunt.

---

Experts said the interpreter, Thamsanqa Jantjie, didn’t sign anything that resembled any actual words. He defended himself by saying he was signing in a special South African dialect. From now on, someone in authority should follow the president at all times, prepared to sign, “Where the heck is the Secret Service?”

---

Too bad Jantjie couldn’t have interpreted Raoul Castro as saying Cuba would soon hold free and open elections. At least that would have started a dialog.

---

Congress reached a budget compromise last week. Some Republicans and Democrats agreed to pass a bill that doesn’t include anything either side wants. It’s that kind of budgeting that keeps marriage counselors employed.

---

Republican House Speaker John Boehner surprised observers by lashing out at conservative critics of the budget deal, saying they had lost all credibility. In an attempt to reclaim credibility, the Ayn Rand Institute accused Utah Sen. Mike Lee of being just like Obama and Rush Limbaugh called Pope Francis a communist.

---

Joe Biden said last week that some of his ancestors came to this country illegally. Look for Republicans to begin a deportation hearing soon.

---

If state officials had been thinking back in the ‘80s, Utah would have installed a fan in those West Desert pumps that were supposed to keep the Great Salt Lake from flooding. That way they could suck stagnant Wasatch Front air into Nevada.

---

You know what they say about Utah. If you don’t like the weather, just chew on the air for a few weeks and it might change.

---

At least inversions don’t keep tourism officials from truthfully advertising that Utah’s outdoors will take your breath away.

---

The FCC is close to removing restrictions on cell phone calls during flights. Apparently, cell phones don’t interfere with the operation of airplanes. Many Americans are wondering how much we would have to pay engineers to develop planes that do malfunction when phones are used.

---

How long will it take until the first fun-loving airline passenger tries to order pizza delivery at 30,000 feet?

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Under a bill proposed by Utah state Sen. Aaron Osmond, a child who doesn’t do well in school would have to attend special classes paid for by parents. Imagine how it might have changed your high school years if your failure to pass a test meant that your Dad, not you, would lose his allowance.
❏ ❏ ❏
Of course, in my day failing to pass a test often resulted in belt tightening of a different sort — or, to put it in language a bureaucrat would understand, “seat time.”
❏ ❏ ❏
The Obama administration changed its story this week after the president’s uncle told a deportation hearing the two had lived together briefly while the president was in law school. Earlier, the White House said the president had never met Onyango Obama. Now the president has acknowledged the relationship. Oh that uncle.
❏ ❏ ❏
Obama’s Kenyan-born uncle apparently ignored a deportation order two decades ago, which is never convenient when your nephew is trying to push for immigration reform.
❏ ❏ ❏
A wire service story from the not-so-distant future: “Millions of fast-food drones flew off the job Thursday to commemorate the anniversary of the week in which human workers, who once held their jobs, marched for more money.”
❏ ❏ ❏
With the push to use drones for all types of services, how long will it be before a certain candy company does a commercial in which two drones, one carrying chocolate, the other peanut butter, collide in midair to form a great taste sensation?
❏ ❏ ❏
What is the proper amount to tip a drone?
❏ ❏ ❏
You may think all of this sounds great. Just wait until political parties send drones to your front door every evening during the dinner hour, asking for money.
❏ ❏ ❏
Drones, smart cars, printable 3-D guns — why do I think we’re one step closer to some 13-year-old genius with a super virus controlling the world?
❏ ❏ ❏
It’s well known that the media can influence fashion trends. Now that NBC devoted three prime-time hours to a live production of The Sound of Music, how long will it be before Americans everywhere start wearing their curtains?
❏ ❏ ❏
I don’t have a problem suspending belief enough to accept that Captain Von Trapp might not have an Austrian accent, but how did a girl from Oklahoma end up in a convent over there right before World War II? Are we getting Rogers and Hammerstein themes mixed up? Did Ado Annie step on the wrong train in Tulsa?

Jay Evensen is associate editor of the Deseret News editorial page. E-mail him at even@desnews.com. For more content, visit his web site, www.jayevensen.com.