A lighthearted look at news of the day:

This is Memorial Day, the one holiday that leaves greeting card companies speechless.
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The House passed a bill last week that would keep the NSA from abusing our constitutional rights. If it passes, the spy agency no longer would be allowed to collect data on all phone calls. However, terrorists would incur a surcharge and would no longer have call-forwarding.
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The bill would require the phone companies keep records for 18 months, during which time the NSA could search them. In reality, this doesn’t change much, except that we can feel a little better because the NSA might have to watch a spinning wheel while its computers log into the phone company.
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Russia is upset at Britain’s Prince Charles for apparently comparing Russian President Vladimir Putin to Hitler. The comparison really is unfair. Putin does not have a mustache.
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A Russian foreign ministry spokesman said it is better for Britain’s royalty to be seen and not heard. Presumably, this is because British royalty has not mastered the art of manipulating the system to acquire power.
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Sandra Bullock made a surprise visit to a charter school graduation in New Orleans and gave a speech. She urged graduates not to pick their noses in public. Finally, something of real value in a commencement speech.
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However, Bullock’s comments seemed to directly contradict other commencement speakers who told graduates to keep their noses clean.
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A woman in Portland, Ore., called police because she thought a pirate was attacking her car. Turns out it was just a man on LSD who was dressed in armor. According to gawker.com, the man said he was a “high-elf engaged in battle with the evil Morgoth.” Later, he said, “I wasn’t in my right mind. I was still rocking my new pair of elf ears.” Well … I’m guessing we’ve all had that feeling.
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The Salt Lake Bees encountered an awkward situation when the team they were playing began a fistfight amongst themselves in the visiting dugout. Baseball’s unwritten rules are unclear about this, but I believe a Bees’ pitcher should now be required to bean one of his own teammates in retaliation.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Americans are being mesmerized by a giant monster capable of stomping cities into dust and that is impervious to weapons. But enough about the Miami Heat.

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No, if Godzilla were in the NBA, he would fit best as a Raptor.

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No question, Godzilla has become a timeless classic. I wouldn’t be surprised to see NBC doing it soon as a live studio production, although Carrie Underwood probably doesn’t look good in a reptile suit.

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NBC announced that “The Sound of Music” was such a hit it plans to do more live productions in prime time, including “The Music Man.” It’s about time network execs starting using the “think method” for programming.

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Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg turned 30 last week. That means he’s officially too old to be hired by a high-tech startup.

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Seriously, the world owes Zuckerberg a lot of thanks. Without him, hardly anyone would have known about the cat that chased off the dog attacking a little boy.

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Without Zuckerberg, we could still like people and have it really mean something. “You’ve got a friend,” still would bring comfort. But on the other hand, we wouldn’t know what our old high school friends were eating for breakfast.

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Zuckerberg is worth $26.6 billion. Maybe now he can spring for a suit and tie.

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Mitt Romney says he thinks it’s time to raise the minimum wage. In reality, he’s just trying to improve his situation with his new night job at the convenience store.

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Romney insists he’s not running for president in 2016. That’s a relief to the nameless, faceless person who currently is the Republican front-runner.

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Scientists now say eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine isn’t good for you, after all. They say the best way to a healthy life is to do something that works up a sweat. For many people, just going without chocolate for a while will do that.

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A new study says 1 in 10 Americans no longer carry cash. If this trend continues, panhandlers will have to begin accepting credit cards.

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A tough new law aimed at ending distracted driving took effect in Utah last week. When I read about it I almost drove off the road.

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Some day, smart cars may be pulled over for trying to multi-task.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Vladimir Putin insists he has pulled Russian troops away from the border with Ukraine. All that remains, apparently, are realistic cardboard cutouts of thousands of Russian troops.

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Putin also told Russian separatists in eastern Ukraine to stop their efforts to hold a referendum on secession, after which they vowed to proceed, anyway. Perhaps last week was “opposite week” in Russia.

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President Obama is ready to set emission limits on power plants in response to global warming. In Washington, this is known as, “Democratic carbon footprint reduction.” With the new rules sure to cost energy jobs in key election states, Democrats may not have to send many people on polluting airplanes to Washington in January.

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Meanwhile, the administration issued a new Global Warming report that, judging by the reaction in Washington, blames the planet’s imminent destruction on politics.

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The last thing a politician wants to ask at a town hall meeting these days? “Is it warm in here, or is it just me?”

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Toronto Mayor Rob Ford apparently has a new re-election slogan: “Don’t worry, I’ll be out of drug rehab by November.”

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“I am working out every day and I am learning about myself, my past and things like that,” Ford told the Sun. In other words, he has a lot in common with voters.

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Late night talk show hosts, meanwhile, already are cutting their budgets, just in case Ford’s rehabilitation works.

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Last week the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the practice of holding prayers before the start of local government meetings, which is a big deal for the three people in each city who regularly attend such things.

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Some people worry governments will establish an official religion by allowing prayers. Given the state of apathy that exists about most government meetings and local elections these days, it’s a wonder some governments can establish an official government.

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Etihad Airways, a carrier in the Middle East, plans to offer limited onboard suites complete with butlers. If that ever caught on in this country, you could just imagine the jostling that would go on among passengers holding “A” boarding passes.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

A House committee held hearings last week that uncovered an email indicating the government wanted the Benghazi protests to be cast as a response to an Internet video, not a failure in U.S. policy. The administration quickly responded by saying the email wasn’t about the raid that killed U.S. Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens. It was about a guy named Ben Ghazi.
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An Air Force brigadier general said the U.S. knew immediately the attack was a terrorist operation that had nothing to do with any video. The White House responded by saying it was sorry to learn the brigadier general was part of the vast right-wing conspiracy.
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For much of NBA history, being banned from attending L.A. Clippers games would have been considered an act of mercy.
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Clippers owner Donald Sterling has been banned from the game after a secret recording of him making racially derogatory remarks was made public. Meanwhile, the NSA is investigating how they missed this.
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The NSA may want to hire TMZ.com as its PR firm. Everyone seems to love the privacy invasions that come from that web site.
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This is the type of scandal you never hear about in ice hockey, not because they have no bigots, but because they have no black people.
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Donald Sterling apparently offered to eat crow, but then it was revealed that the crow was prepared by Paula Deen.
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President Obama said last week that he absolutely would save Vladimir Putin if he were drowning. Given Obama’s recent job approval ratings, it may be best to ask the question of Putin saving Obama, instead.
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Obama said he likes to think he would save anyone who was drowning. However, if it were Putin, he’d probably throw some sanctions at him, first.
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Meanwhile, the leaders of Ukraine are saying, “Hey Obama, over here! What about saving us?”
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Congress has once again refused to raise the nation’s minimum wage. Here’s a compromise idea: Keep the wage where it is, but have employers pay it in pesos. The workers wouldn’t get any more, but 95 pesos sounds like so much more than $7.25.
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Democrats are trying to make Republican opposition to an increase in the minimum wage an election issue, to which most Americans say, “We’re having another election?”