In honor of that date rape … er … charming classic song, “Baby it’s cold outside,” which seems to be dividing the nation right now like a Supreme Court pick, here’s a non-controversial rewrite celebrating Utah’s annual holiday weather inversion. Yes, sometimes it really is safer to stay inside.
Baby, You’ll Choke Outside
I really can’t stay
(But baby you’ll choke outside)
I’ve got to go away
(No, really, you’ll die outside)
This evening has been …
(Just don’t breathe in)
… So very nice
(A designer mask might look nice)
My mother will start to worry
(The streetlights all look so blurry)
My father will be pacing the floor
(You wanna breathe? Don’t open the door!)
So really I’d better scurry
(The air tastes like slurry)
Well maybe just a half a drink more
(Put your mask on while I pour)
The neighbors might think …
(You couldn’t withstand the stink)
Say what's in this drink?
(It’s polluted ice, I think)
I wish I knew how …
(The PM-2.5’s! Holy Cow!)
… to break this spell
(Asthma attacks are not swell)
I ought to say, no, no, no sir
(You can borrow my inhaler)
At least I'm gonna say that I tried
(How’re you gonna save your insides?)
I really can't stay
(A storm may come Monday)
[Together:] But tonight we’ll choke outside!
A tense televised White House encounter last week between President Trump and Democratic congressional leaders proved that sometimes, baby, it can be cold inside, too.
After Trump, House Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi and Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer traded accusations and disagreements over the budget, Trump characterized it as a “friendly meeting.” Presumably, that means everyone had to check weapons at the front door.
Judging by how everyone was digging in their heels, one thing is apparent: You don’t need $5 billion to erect walls.
A recent factory accident in Westönnen, Germany, sent a ton of melted chocolate flowing into the street, where it quickly hardened in the cold winter air to look as if the road was paved with the stuff. Quickly — if you died right now and had to choose between a heaven paved with gold or Westönnen, Germany, which would it be?