By Jay Evensen

Deseret News

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

As part of the international campaign against the terrorist group known as ISIS, Iran recently launched a bombing raid against ISIS within Iraq. Or as an ancient proverb says, “The enemy of my enemy gives me an excuse to bomb the heck out of my enemy … and my enemy.”

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The state of Utah is proposing a new clean-air rule. Basically, if your house catches fire any time between November and March, you could be cited for illegally burning wood.

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The state’s plan is to outlaw all wood burning during the winter. Not to worry; I’m sure restaurants that have to begin offering salmon smoked with buffalo chips will still be popular.

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Smoke from burning wood is toxic. So is freezing to death. What a tough choice our ancestors must have had.

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The Utah Prison Relocation Commission is zeroing in on a spot where no local residents will object to having a prison next door. Unfortunately, however, the state can only store prisoners on the top of King’s Peak in the winter, and they won’t be able to burn wood to keep warm.

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The Utah Republican Party is suing to stop the implementation of a new law that would change how parties select candidates. The party wouldn’t have to resort to such drastic action if only it wielded real political power in this state.

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The political action committee called “Ready for Hillary” is selling Hillary Clinton Christmas ornaments. Think of them as conversation starters for when the family comes for the holidays.

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The PAC also sells Hillary onesies, or as they will be known in some quarters, “A gift that guarantees you’ll never be asked to babysit.”

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I’ve got to hand it to these folks, they know how to carve out a niche. Chris Christie onesies, however, would be real traffic-stoppers.

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Toddler-wear is about right for the way most politicians behave these days.

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Jeb Bush recently told the Wall Street Journal that if he runs for president, he won’t pander to the right wing in order to get the Republican nomination. Heartbroken right-wingers responded by saying, “OK.” 

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

The NFL announced this week that one of its players, a little known special teams member in Jacksonville, has not been accused of committing a crime.

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Minnesota Vikings officials last week announced they had made a mistake by saying star running back Adrian Peterson would play in the team’s next game. It’s understandable. Coaches thought they heard he fell on a knee, not that he was charged with a felony.

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The Vikings were all set to play Peterson again, until Budweiser’s Mayor of Whatever, USA, decided it was a bad idea.

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The NFL has to get this right. It has an enormous influence on society. For example, if the latest sanctions don’t keep Vladimir Putin out of Ukraine, President Obama is thinking about suspending him for two games.

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Apple recently decided to give all half-a-billion iTunes subscribers a free album by the group U2. This created a lot of confusion, as well as confusing sentences, such as, “I just got a free album from some group, you too?”

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Apple’s music giveaway made a lot of people unhappy. That makes sense, because most of us have been warned about geeks bearing gifts.

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 Utah lawmakers are thinking about requiring all students to pass a citizenship test before graduating from high school. But the test is meaningless, because those who fail would not have their citizenship revoked, while the students who are illegal aliens could pass it and still not become citizens.

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If lawmakers had any guts, they would require every elected legislator to pass the test before being allowed to assume office.

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Some of the questions are difficult, such as, “Who becomes president if both the president and vice president die?” (Hint: It’s not Alexander Haig.) (Second hint: It’s not anyone on Saturday Night Live, either.)

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Another question: What is the bill of rights? A better question is how much is it and who has to pay?

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Apparently, investigators and district attorneys in Utah took advantage of a bulk rate on attorneys general at the jail last week.

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It was a bogo offer — book one, get one free.

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Utahns now can look forward to attorneys battling attorneys over the future of attorneys. If the trials take place in winter, there will be enough hot air to knock out inversions and keep everyone warm.

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Three of the 18 remaining contestants on So You Think You Can Dance are from Utah. Surprisingly, none of them is a politician.

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So you think you can dance? St. Louis pitcher Adam Wainwright apparently does. In last week’s baseball All-Star game he said he intentionally threw easy-to-hit pitches toward Yankee star Derek Jeter in the first inning. Then, when social media went ballistic, he said he had just been joking. Adam should know better. In America, sports are no joking matter.

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Politics is, however. Last week, Hillary Clinton went on The Daily Show to joke with John Stewart about possibly running for the most powerful political office in the world. If elected, however, she would have to get more serious, confining herself to promoting policy decisions on shows like, “Between Two Ferns.” 

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A major wildfire in Oregon was started on an illegal marijuana farm. Who says the stuff isn’t dangerous?

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Many people have been forced to evacuate because of the fire. Downwind, however, many others have the giggles and do nothing but eat cookies all day.

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Former President Bill Clinton should be called to Oregon to teach everyone how to survive without inhaling.

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Germany, still angry at the United States for spying, is considering using manual typewriters for top-secret communications. Don’t be surprised to learn Ed Snowden owns stock in Underwood.

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Manual typewriters? Ebay must be all atwitter. And the white out industry just upped its projected annual earnings.

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If the German government is serious about all this, I know a bunch of boy scouts who could teach them about disappearing ink and secret codes.

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A British company has created a new super vegetable by crossing kale with Brussels sprouts. The result, known as kalette, won the approval of a focus group consisting of people who like torturing children at suppertime.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

This is Memorial Day, the one holiday that leaves greeting card companies speechless.
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The House passed a bill last week that would keep the NSA from abusing our constitutional rights. If it passes, the spy agency no longer would be allowed to collect data on all phone calls. However, terrorists would incur a surcharge and would no longer have call-forwarding.
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The bill would require the phone companies keep records for 18 months, during which time the NSA could search them. In reality, this doesn’t change much, except that we can feel a little better because the NSA might have to watch a spinning wheel while its computers log into the phone company.
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Russia is upset at Britain’s Prince Charles for apparently comparing Russian President Vladimir Putin to Hitler. The comparison really is unfair. Putin does not have a mustache.
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A Russian foreign ministry spokesman said it is better for Britain’s royalty to be seen and not heard. Presumably, this is because British royalty has not mastered the art of manipulating the system to acquire power.
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Sandra Bullock made a surprise visit to a charter school graduation in New Orleans and gave a speech. She urged graduates not to pick their noses in public. Finally, something of real value in a commencement speech.
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However, Bullock’s comments seemed to directly contradict other commencement speakers who told graduates to keep their noses clean.
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A woman in Portland, Ore., called police because she thought a pirate was attacking her car. Turns out it was just a man on LSD who was dressed in armor. According to gawker.com, the man said he was a “high-elf engaged in battle with the evil Morgoth.” Later, he said, “I wasn’t in my right mind. I was still rocking my new pair of elf ears.” Well … I’m guessing we’ve all had that feeling.
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The Salt Lake Bees encountered an awkward situation when the team they were playing began a fistfight amongst themselves in the visiting dugout. Baseball’s unwritten rules are unclear about this, but I believe a Bees’ pitcher should now be required to bean one of his own teammates in retaliation.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Americans are being mesmerized by a giant monster capable of stomping cities into dust and that is impervious to weapons. But enough about the Miami Heat.

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No, if Godzilla were in the NBA, he would fit best as a Raptor.

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No question, Godzilla has become a timeless classic. I wouldn’t be surprised to see NBC doing it soon as a live studio production, although Carrie Underwood probably doesn’t look good in a reptile suit.

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NBC announced that “The Sound of Music” was such a hit it plans to do more live productions in prime time, including “The Music Man.” It’s about time network execs starting using the “think method” for programming.

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Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg turned 30 last week. That means he’s officially too old to be hired by a high-tech startup.

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Seriously, the world owes Zuckerberg a lot of thanks. Without him, hardly anyone would have known about the cat that chased off the dog attacking a little boy.

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Without Zuckerberg, we could still like people and have it really mean something. “You’ve got a friend,” still would bring comfort. But on the other hand, we wouldn’t know what our old high school friends were eating for breakfast.

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Zuckerberg is worth $26.6 billion. Maybe now he can spring for a suit and tie.

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Mitt Romney says he thinks it’s time to raise the minimum wage. In reality, he’s just trying to improve his situation with his new night job at the convenience store.

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Romney insists he’s not running for president in 2016. That’s a relief to the nameless, faceless person who currently is the Republican front-runner.

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Scientists now say eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine isn’t good for you, after all. They say the best way to a healthy life is to do something that works up a sweat. For many people, just going without chocolate for a while will do that.

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A new study says 1 in 10 Americans no longer carry cash. If this trend continues, panhandlers will have to begin accepting credit cards.

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A tough new law aimed at ending distracted driving took effect in Utah last week. When I read about it I almost drove off the road.

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Some day, smart cars may be pulled over for trying to multi-task.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

CNN reported that the Democratic Party has a short list of cities it is considering for its 2016 national convention. Salt Lake City is one of them. There are some hurdles to cross before this can happen, however. For one thing, Utah would have to officially recognize the party.

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After an initial splash at the box office, the much-hyped “Noah” movie seems to have drowned in a flood of indifference. It’s not even clear whether the movie will last in theaters for 40 days and 40 nights.

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Strip away all the arguments about Biblical accuracy and “Noah” is just another film with animated rocks.

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Southern Nevada’s Cliven Bundy had something going there for a while with his “take back the land” crusade against the BLM — until everyone realized he wanted to take it back to before the Civil War.

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Bundy said black people were better off picking cotton as slaves than they are today. Now we have a new Olympic event — the political sprint away from Bundy. The current record holder appears to be Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, followed closely by Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul.

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Everyone thought Cliven Bundy was from Bunkerville, Nev. Turns out he’s really from Archie Bunker-ville.

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Last week a teenager flew from San Jose to Hawaii in the wheel well of an airliner. Not only was he arrested for this, the airline is refusing to let him count the trip as frequent flyer miles.

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Experts say it is a miracle the 16-year-old stowaway survived the thin atmosphere at 38,000 feet and temperatures that would have been about 80 degrees below zero. They think his body may have gone into a state of suspended animation. That’s good news for him, but bad news for the rest of us as airlines begin to consider new ways to offer discounted fares.

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You think flying is rough today. Wait until you long to be “upgraded” to the baggage compartment.

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Jeffrey Wade Chapman is about to go on trial in Kansas on charges he killed another man. But first, he has petitioned the court to allow him to remove a tattoo from his throat. The tattoo says, “Murder.” What an embarrassing coincidence.

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Here’s some advice. If you have “Murder” tattooed on your throat, you might want to think about committing a different sort of crime.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Perhaps the Secret Service should stop recruiting new agents from college frat houses.
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One of the Secret Service agents assigned to President Obama’s recent trip to Amsterdam ended up passed out in a drunken stupor in a hotel hallway. The agent said he had no memory of what happened nor, one presumes, of whether the Secret Service still retains its secrets.
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  Last week was the 25th anniversary of the University of Utah’s announcement that its scientists had discovered cold fusion. I’d make a comment here, but it’s all pretty much just heavy water under the bridge by now.
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According to news reports, Russian President Vladimir Putin doesn’t own a cell phone. In other words, the NSA can’t force Siri to give him wrong directions to Crimea.
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Putin shuns modern technologies. We know what German Chancellor Angela Merkel ordered for lunch yesterday, but if we want to know whom Russia will invade next we’ll have to shoot down the right carrier pigeon.
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How bad is U.S. intelligence on Russia? The White House is thinking about asking Sarah Palin what she sees from her back yard.
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Time Magazine says Putin does occasionally uses an old-fashioned brick-like cell phone. If you’ve ever wondered what happens to the old phones you turn in, wonder no more.
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North Korean leader Kim Jong Un would give up his smartphone, but then he couldn’t watch March Madness any more.
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President Obama has decided to let people skip the March 31 deadline to sign up for Obamacare if they will pinky-swear they tried to sign up before the deadline. It seems only right to extend this new policy to the IRS on April 16, as well, right?
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Fox News says 6 in 10 uninsured Americans don’t even know there is a deadline to sign up for Obamacare. Whether they’re willing to lie about that to get an extension is unknown.
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  Ever wonder whether the president’s daughters use his tendency to move the goalposts on Obamacare against him when he tries to discipline?
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Speaking of goalposts, the NFL decided last week to further limit end zone celebrations by passing a rule against “dunking” the ball over an upright. If that doesn’t stop all the fun, their next step will be to end celebrations by outlawing touchdowns.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

When Becky Lockhart is replaced as Utah’s House speaker, I wonder if her colleagues will give her a nice parting gift, such as an iPad.

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California lawmakers are considering rules for driverless cars. Backseat driving will be allowed only if the WiFi is down.

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Those of us who have driven there may have assumed driverless cars have been in vogue in California for a long time.

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One of the issues under consideration is whether drivers should lose points on their license if they send a car out to park itself and it gets into an accident. I think Bill Gates should lose points every time this happens.

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One unusual twist — in California, smart cars will be programmed to slowly roll through stop signs.

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Cars in Utah, however, will be programmed to not signal before turning.

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The U.S. Senate reached a bipartisan agreement last week to extend jobless benefits. Isn’t it interesting how members of Congress suddenly pay more attention to what it’s like being out of work as elections approach?

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It’s been a rough week. A giant airliner went missing, including some American passengers, Russia continued to impose itself on Ukraine and a building exploded in New York City. Obviously, it was time for the president to do a comedy show.

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President Obama went on an Internet comedy show called “Between Two Ferns” and answered questions that included, “So, how does this work? You send ambassador (Dennis) Rodman to North Korea on your behalf?” This is the kind of insightful probing you’ll never get from the lamestream media.

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Obama sat with comedian Zach Galifianakis and answered these questions because the real media won’t focus on the things that are important, such as how really great Obamacare’s website is doing.

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Actually, Obama endured questions about “being the last black president” and pardoning turkeys because it was deemed the only way to get young people to sign up for health care. In other words, if he can give up a bit of his dignity, so can they.

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Abraham Lincoln would have done the same thing to rally support for emancipation, but crass, demeaning, ironic humor hadn’t been invented yet.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Congress has been considering a measure to exempt Olympic athletes from paying taxes on the money they win if they medal. Where is the Occupy movement when we need them? I mean, Olympic medal winners are even more elite than the 1 percent.

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Of course, if they knew the medals were tax-exempt, maybe the U.S. hockey team might have had a greater incentive to win.

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Researchers are working hard at bringing extinct animals back to life, such as Passenger Pigeons or Woolly Mammoths, using DNA science. If they succeed, they might tackle something really hard, like Democrats in Utah.

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Do we really want to do this? What if we find out that Wooly Mammoths went extinct because they were pecked to death by Passenger Pigeons?

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A man in South Carolina was arrested recently for trying to pay a restaurant tab with a trillion-dollar bill. This shows how stupid criminals can be. He should have chosen a place where that kind of money would be more appropriate, such as the concession stand at an NBA game.

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He should have hung onto the money. It might come in handy once the Federal Reserve’s inflationary policies take hold.

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Speaking of money, a California couple recently found tin cans buried in their yard, filled with 19th century gold coins worth an estimated $10 million. Congress is now contemplating a new revenue scheme involving metal detectors.

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At least, instead of always kicking the can down the road, Congress now is going to look inside the can, first.

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The odd thing about the treasure is it was found at the end of a rainbow.

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Today’s generation isn’t going to leave many treasures like this, even by accident. The best someone from the 22nd century can hope for is a can filled with old credit cards, or with someone’s receipt for a bitcoin.

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The Utah House recently held a hearing on whether to do away with daylight saving time. People who went were heard to say, “That’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back.”

A lighthearted look at current events:

Facebook paid $19 billion last week for a startup company that employs 55 people and creates an app that essentially duplicates instant messaging. It’s called WhatsApp, which sounds very much like the question people on Wall Street were asking afterward.

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WhatsApp allows users to sign on for free for one year, then charges 99 cents a year after that, and it uses no advertising. No one seems to know if has made any money. With business decisions like this, Mark Zuckerberg may soon find himself in charge of Obamacare.

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Meanwhile, New York City agreed to pay $6.4 million to a man who spent 23 years in prison for a murder he didn’t commit. He should appeal to Mark Zuckerberg. After all, just like WhatsApp, he hasn’t done anything, either.

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An initiative process is underway in California to divide the state into six new states. Smart idea. Having six bankrupt states would attract more federal bailout money.

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Organizers might have a better shot at just taking certain parts of the state and petitioning to have them recognized as separate planets.

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The Hubble telescope reported last week that it had discovered what was thought to be the oldest thing ever seen. But then scientists realized they had accidentally pointed the thing at earth and were looking at Keith Richards.

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Or it might have been pointed at Joe Newman, the 101-year-old man in Florida who has announced he is running for Congress in the state’s 16th district. He is not running as a Republican or Democrat. Word has it he was disappointed to learn the Whig Party was no longer around.

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Newman assured voters he isn’t interested in a lengthy political career. He just needs some extra money to take care of his aging parents.

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Utah credit unions have launched a new program allowing people to register to vote at any credit union, even if they’re not members. And the best part? You don’t even have to know the first thing about politics, the issues or any of the candidates.