​A lighthearted look at news of the day 
 
Police in Harrisburg, Pa., are investigating the theft of more than a dozen laundry detergent bottles from a grocery store. So far, they have no leads, but they hope someone comes clean soon.
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I know criminals tend to be stupid, but I pity the guy if he thinks he’s going to start a money-laundering scheme.
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President-elect Donald Trump says he may not stay full-time at the White House. He wants to commute from his apartment in New York. This is good news for Chris Christie. From now on, he won’t be the one blamed for traffic jams.
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For Trump’s neighbors in New York, there are tradeoffs. Sure, they have to see the president’s laundry drying on the clothesline between buildings, but they won’t have to pay extra for getting frisked by the Secret Service every time they walk the dog.
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In American politics, this post-election time is known as the beginning of a traditional honeymoon period for the new president. It’s such a wonderful tradition. You remember people protesting your honeymoon, don’t you?
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In recent weeks, fake news stories on Facebook outperformed the top legitimate stories from major news outlets. Well sure, but it really can be hard to tell the difference. For instance, which is harder to believe, a story that says Hillary Clinton is secretly selling arms to ISIS, or one that says President Obama is hoping Donald Trump succeeds?
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I say it’s time for everyone to wake up to what it takes to attract an audience these days. Quit being so old fashioned. Invite your kids to Thanksgiving by saying, “Mom took the innards out of the turkey, and you won’t believe what happened next!”
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Who cares if the Pope never really endorsed Trump? What else are we supposed to talk about at parties? The way the rest of the world thinks we’ve gone off the rails?
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Donald Trump says he’ll take only a $1 yearly salary as president. Don’t get too upset. Everyone should know by now that you don’t get as much for a dollar as you used to.
 

​A lighthearted look at news of the day 
 
Now that the 2016 elections are over, only one thought dominates the minds of anxious Americans. How long until the primary debates begin for 2020?
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Polls show roughly two-thirds of Americans think the big losers on Election Day were pollsters. But the margin of error is so large it’s hard to tell for sure.
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From now on, the fine print at the bottom of polls will say, “Margin of error +/– 4 percent, or, then again, the whole thing could be pathetically wrong.”
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Predictions were so wrong leading into Tuesday that surveys may stop relying on Tarot cards and coffee grinds altogether.
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Pollsters have a simple explanation for what happened during this election season. They accidentally forgot to survey half the nation.
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So, the big question on the minds of all Americans is, now that he won, will Donald Trump’s staff allow him to use his Twitter account again? We can’t wait for his first 140-character asides from the next G-7 meeting.
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Trump’s victory was a shock to many Americans, but they’ll get over it. Americans are a hardy lot. I’m sure even Yale University soon will resume the classes and exams it canceled for grief-stricken students.
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If Trump is smart, the first thing he will do is give Samsung a defense contract. Any company that can make smart phones catch fire in your pocket and blow the tops off washing machines deserves a shot at our enemies.
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If one more Samsung product becomes an inadvertent weapon, the company could get support from the NRA.
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At first, the stock market reacted negatively to news that Trump was winning. That all changed when it became clear Wall Street would not be moved to the southern border to be paid for by Mexicans. That will be a different wall.
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Speaking of which, Canada may now be building a wall of its own and trying to make us pay for it.
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After the election, President Obama welcomed Trump to the White House. Staff members were up all the previous night trying to dig a hole big enough to bury the hatchets.