​A lighthearted look at news of the day
Remember Mitt Romney’s 47 percent? Turns out they’re still out there, only now they are the portion of the Republican Party that is doing all it can to derail Donald Trump’s bid for the party’s nomination.
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Romney raised eyebrows last week when he hinted there might be a “bombshell” hidden in Trump’s tax returns. That probably would be of interest to his wife, Melania, as well.
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What could the hidden bombshell be? Is Trump the one poised to develop the current Utah prison site? Has he purchased options on Guantanamo Bay so he can turn it into a resort and casino? Is he cornering the market on the masonry supplies Mexico will use to build that wall at the border?
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If what happens in Vegas truly stays in Vegas, shouldn’t the results of last week’s Republican Nevada caucus have remained a secret?
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Hasbro is coming out with a new version of Monopoly aimed at the young generation. Instead of cash, each player is given a credit card he or she can swipe to collect money, pay bills or make trades with other players. This new touch of realism will keep kids from having to do a lot of boring and difficult math, and it will keep the game moving faster until their parents come down and tell them to put it away and go get a real job so they can stop living in the basement rent-free.
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Hasbro wanted to introduce a new Monopoly token that looks like a smartphone, but the worry was everyone would stop playing the game and just sit and stare at the thing.
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The game will feature new realistic “chance” cards, perhaps such as, “The nation has just elected Bernie Sanders president. If your earnings amount to the top 1 percent of all players, please turn all personal property over to the government and go directly to jail.”
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Facebook has come out with five new emotions to express in addition to “like.” These are, “haha,” “sad,” “angry,” “wow” and “love.” Unfortunately, there still is no “yawn.”
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A better idea would be for Facebook to provide little faces for all of Disney’s seven dwarves. Then we could at least label things as “dopey.”
 

​A lighthearted look at news of the day:
 
Scientists made a dramatic discovery last week concerning gravity. Apparently, none of it exists in the current presidential contest.
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Actually, scientists were able to hear the gravitational waves Albert Einstein first theorized existed. This, they say, could help us go back to the first murmurs of the universe. Perhaps then we can understand how Iowa and New Hampshire came to be so important in the nominating process.
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President Obama sent his latest budget proposal to Congress last week. It calls for $4.1 trillion in spending. Coincidentally, the odds of Congress actually considering this budget are about 4.1 trillion to 1.
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What’s the biggest challenge with Obama’s budget? Finding room to store it next to the other seven budgets he has proposed and that still are waiting to be heard.
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The air in Utah was so bad last week it was hard to see the advocates who wanted to talk about further regulating e-cigarettes.
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State officials should check those pumps Gov. Norm Bangerter put in the West Desert all those years ago to alleviate flooding. Maybe they have a reverse switch that could blow out all the pollution.
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As the presidential election heats up, observers have developed two drinking games (using soft drinks, of course). Every time someone mentions Donald Trump, you grab a drink and spit it on your neighbor. Every time someone mentions Bernie Sanders, you tax somebody else to buy you a drink.
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After the New Hampshire primary, Jeb Bush said his campaign is “not dead.” That’s not exactly a rousing slogan, but it’s a start.
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Others close to Bush said his campaign was “on fire.” Really, that’s not necessary. A simple, “I’m suspending operations” would do.
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The price of oil fell so far last week that soon gasoline will be cheaper than water. The people of Flint, Mich., are saying, “Thanks, but that’s still not a great alternative.”
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Gas is so cheap that pretty soon you’ll be charged full price for every Big Gulp, but given free refills at the pump.
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An Australian tycoon is financing construction of an exact replica of the Titanic. When it is completed in 2018, it will officially become the world’s largest floating metaphor, complete with rearrangeable deck chairs.
 

​A lighthearted look at news of the day:
 
Finally, we now know the identities of the dastardly 1 percent that Bernie Sanders keeps going on about. It’s all those Iowans who made up the difference between him and Hillary Clinton.
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Hillary almost lost the caucus because she reportedly decided to do a get-out-the-vote campaign by email – using her lapsed State Department account.
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As part of its investigation into Clinton’s use of a personal email account for top-secret communications, the FBI has begun probing whether other former secretaries of state did the same thing. Henry Kissinger is exempt because during his tenure, email was a typo.
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Donald Trump has accused Ted Cruz of stealing the Iowa caucus by being mean to Ben Carson, a candidate whose supporters Trump once called “stupid.” I wouldn’t say Republicans are acting like high school kids, but while they’re fighting, people are starting to pay attention to all those “vote for Pedro … er, Marco” signs.
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Now that Trump and Carson are friends again, maybe they can get together this weekend and prank call Carly Fiorina to see what she really thinks of them.
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After the Iowa caucus, Rick Santorum dropped out of the race. Pundits are speculating over which candidate will inherit all his support, but it turns out his wife Karen isn’t going anywhere.
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Rand Paul, Mike Huckabee and Martin O’Malley also dropped out of the race, which affected voters in the way it might affect you to know your fourth cousin’s uncle from a previous marriage won’t be coming to Easter dinner.
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Jeb Bush probably should drop out, but the decision isn’t easy. How would you like to sit around the dinner table as the son who only amounted to governor?
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President Obama said last week he will propose a $10 tax on each barrel of oil in his next fiscal budget. This had industry leaders worried until they realized Congress was still mulling the budget Obama sent them in 2009.
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Sesame Street has moved to HBO. From now on, only the kids whose parents can afford a subscription will learn the alphabet.
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I won’t say the new Sesame Street is more upscale than the older, free version, but it is interesting to note that Oscar the Grouch has moved from his trash can to Cancun.
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Two weeks have passed and the Utah Legislature has yet to do anything that embarrasses the state. It’s as if no one even bothers to try any more.