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On Second Thought for March 2, 2020

2/28/2020

A lighthearted look at the news of the day:

We should have more sympathy for political candidates. After all, they’re trying to influence democracy in a country where 38% of beer drinkers say they no longer will drink Corona for fear of contracting the virus.
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Somewhere deep inside Russia, people in charge of hacking U.S. elections are leaning back in their chairs and smiling. “Dis eez too easy!”
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Researchers didn’t take the next step and ask these people if they also intend to beef up their computer’s virus protection systems, just in case.
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Toyota is no doubt happy it decided to discontinue making its Corona car model years ago.
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After last week, Disneyland should open a new ride, consisting entirely of inviting investors into a room and showing them stock market tickers.
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The new ride could replace the “primary tower of terror,” in which voters enter a room and are forced to watch Democratic candidates debate.
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I think I figured out why they call tomorrow Super Tuesday. It’s because that’s the last day we will see annoying political commercials for a while.
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Researchers say 41% of Americans are obese. For the rest of you, there is still hope. McDonald’s is giving away free egg mcmuffins today!
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Yes, McDonald’s has declared March 2nd to be National Egg McMuffin Day. Fly the flag! Finally, we have something to keep us fed between Super Bowl Sunday and Cinco de Mayo.
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It’s been five years now since car manufacturers predicted we would have completely self-driving cars by 2020. I’m not sure where this is progress or not, but we seem to be doing a smashing job of developing self-crashing cars.
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Last week, in a case out of California involving self-driving technology and a fatal crash, officials criticized the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration for being too hands-off on regulating automated-vehicle technology. See what they did there?
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Utah lawmakers passed a bill last week that might one day put the state on permanent daylight saving time. At least the people we elected last fall are shedding light on something.

On Second Thought for Feb. 24, 2020

2/21/2020

A lighthearted look at the news of the day:

What do Mike Bloomberg and an NFL linebacker have in common? Both have been known to spend an entire evening playing defense, getting beaten and bruised, but only one had to pay millions for the privilege.
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Shortly after Mike Bloomberg’s less-than-convincing debut as a debater last week, his Twitter account posted a doctored video showing what appeared to be an awkward pause after Bloomberg asks whether he’s the only one on the stage who has started a business. I’m not sure who edited the video. Maybe that person has since signed a non-disclosure agreement.
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President Trump called Bloomberg a “mass of dead energy.” For once, that was mild compared to what fellow Democrats said about Bloomberg onstage.
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Bloomberg said he can’t use Turbotax because his returns are several thousand pages long. That was designed to appeal to the common person, endearing him to average people who also can’t afford the Turbotax deluxe edition.
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Former Massachusetts Gov. William Weld was in Utah last week, promoting his campaign to defeat President Trump in a GOP primary. Polls show he’s going viral. That means you can view his numbers only through a microscope.
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If this doesn’t work out, Weld could try selling rain boots in Death Valley.
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Meanwhile, it’s unclear whether Vladimir Putin is going to get that absentee ballot he requested before November.
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Putin is like the stereotypical irritating little brother. He gets to have fun trying to ruin U.S. elections, knowing that U.S. intelligence officials who tell on him will be the ones who get spanked.
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Meanwhile, Americans who are sick of all the hatred and anger of politics can take solace in knowing the baseball season will soon start. Politics, as the saying goes, “ain’t beanbag.” But baseball, especially when the Astros are at bat, may be all bean ball.

On Second Thought for Feb. 17, 2020

2/14/2020

A lighthearted look at the news of the day:

After watching a lot of television last week, I can’t decide which I would rather do — buy insurance from a guy who looks like pinocchio, show the Houston Astros a sign of my displeasure or vote for Mike Bloomberg.
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Mike Bloomberg has become a fixture on television in Super Tuesday states, hoping to portray himself as a man of the people. If elected, he said, he would never tweet. We don’t care about that. Just make the commercials stop.
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Bloomerg’s net worth has been estimated at $58 billion. He once signed a “giving pledge,” promising to give away half his fortune. Since then, he has given away $8 billion. Sounds like he has the math skills for the White House, anyway.
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Attorney General William Barr complained last week that President Trump’s tweets were making it impossible for him to do his job. Welcome to the world the rest of us have been living in for three years.
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If Abraham Lincoln had tweeted this much in his day, the Union Army would have been paralyzed by generals constantly looking up at birds.
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President Trump’s Executive Director of the U.S. Interagency Council on Homelessness was in town last week, telling Utahns they need a homeless Czar. This is not to be confused with the Democrats’ wish for a homeless president.
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After surviving an impeachment trial, President Trump now says he may end the long practice of allowing others in the administration to listen to his phone calls with foreign leaders. I think the American people are ready to make a deal. We’ll let the president keep his calls private if the NSA will stop listening to our phone calls.
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Utah lawmakers are considering a bill that would let people voluntarily put themselves on a list prohibiting stores from selling them a gun. This is a great idea. They should follow up with a bill letting burglars volunteer for a list that keeps them from buying black clothing, and overweight people could sign a list prohibiting stores from selling them Cheetos and Big Gulps.
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Meanwhile, there’s no truth to the rumor that Hollywood is working on a new baseball movie called, “Bang the trash can quickly,” or that Astros’ owner Jim Crane now has to read an awkwardly worded “excuse me” every time he sneezes.

On Second Thought for Feb. 10, 2020

2/7/2020

A lighthearted look at the news of the day:

The Iowa General Assembly is in session, but apparently lawmakers there forgot to repeal Murphy’s law. Or, as they now say in election management circles, who needs Russian hackers when you’ve got the new Iowa caucus app?
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Actually, the Iowa model may be the nation’s best defense against election interference. Make things so confusing the bad guys will never figure it out. The only downside is we may never know who wins.
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If Donald Trump and Mitt Romney have anything in common, it is that both of them hope to be remembered as having unimpeachable character.
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What’s the difference between the impeachment trial and an NBA game between the Milwaukee Bucks and the Cleveland Cavaliers? Both have predictable outcomes, but only one will invite witnesses.
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Meanwhile, it may safely be said that, contrary to what she may have said, it’s not true House Speaker Nancy Pelosi didn’t give a rip about the president’s state of the union address.
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Utah’s David Neeleman wants to start another new airline. This one, called Breeze, promises to be more customer-friendly than airlines currently operating. I think most travelers today would settle for attendants who at least smile when they drag you kicking and screaming from a flight because they need to make room for airline employees.
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Neeleman wants to follow the pattern set by rideshare companies like Uber and Lyft. Passengers would use an app to buy tickets, rent cars and reserve hotel rooms. Wake me when I can summon a plane to my front door.
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If it really was like ridesharing, I’d be able to sit in the cockpit and rate the pilot on how chatty he or she was.
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Utah lawmakers are considering a bill that would do away with straight-ticket voting in elections. Wait, is there more than one party in Utah?
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Has anyone checked how the new worldwide epidemic out of China is affecting sales of the Toyota Corona? Would it be ironic if ads for the car went viral?

On Second Thought for Feb.3, 2020

1/31/2020

A lighthearted look at the news of the day:

Utah lawmakers are considering a bill that would allow voters to recall the state’s U.S. senators. The bill is ironic, considering many Utahns, if asked, probably couldn’t recall either their senators or representative.
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In fact, I could support a bill that would require everyone in Utah to recall the names of the politicians they elected, with extra points, redeemable for either free Jell-O or fry sauce, if they can name their school board representative.
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Lawmakers began their 2020 session last week by nearly unanimously repealing the tax reform law they passed in a special session in December. And you thought politics meant never having to say you’re sorry.
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Once again, lawmakers will consider a bill that might put Utah on permanent daylight saving time and do away with the semi-annual changing of the clocks. Sure, many lawmakers may not know the time of day, but in the end it is whatever they mandate it to be.
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Every time this issue comes up, people battle endlessly over whether to keep standard time or daylight saving time. We never hear from the people most affected — the makers of sundials.
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Lawmakers also are considering a change to the state’s constitution, allowing them more flexibility as to when to convene the Utah Legislature’s annual session. How about this, instead: Let Utah voters decide each year if we need a legislative session at all. Lawmakers could be like volunteer firefighters. If we have an emergency need for a law, we’ll call you.
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Last week’s impeachment trial in Washington may have been a big success. Now Americans are wondering whether they can impeach everyone back there.
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If Republicans in Washington really wanted to get maximum exposure, they would have cast their final vote on impeachment during halftime of the Super Bowl. But then, that also was Groundhog Day. The nation may not be ready to take the risk of having to relive this over and over.

On Second Thought for Jan. 27, 2020

1/24/2020

A lighthearted look at the news of the day:

Who says Americans are growing increasingly apathetic and disinterested in politics? Coverage of the first day of the impeachment trial last week drew 11 million viewers. Compare that to the first day of the trial of Andrew Johnson, 151 years ago, which drew exactly zero television viewers.
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If senators really were concerned about ratings, they would replace Chief Justice John Roberts with Patrick Stewart. It would be worth it just to hear him respond to a motion with, “Make it so.”
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Scientists have moved the Doomsday Clock to 1 minute, 40 seconds until midnight. If you’re concerned about this, just remember that in 1947, 63 years ago, it stood at 7 minutes to midnight. I could have used a clock like that when I was a teenager sweating over a curfew.
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In fact, I know some teenagers who, when getting ready for school, have adopted the pace of the Doomsday Clock.
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And if you had asked me 45 years or so ago I would have sworn some of my classrooms had this clock in them, counting down to the bell.
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Given what this clock represents, I hope no one was dumb enough to design it so it would chime at midnight.
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Actually, if average Americans had a say where the Doomsday Clock stands, they might put it at 1 minute to Election Day 2020.
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Utah’s legislative leaders have pledged to open this year’s session today by repealing the tax reform bill they passed last month, including the measure to increase the tax on groceries. This brings up an old political adage: Watching democracy in action might be like watching sausage being made, but it’s never a good idea to tax the sausage.
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Scientists have discovered four species of sharks that have learned how to walk. And these don’t even include the pool shark or loan shark varieties.

On Second Thought for Jan. 13, 2020

1/10/2020

A lighthearted look at the news of the day:

Prince Harry and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, have decided to step back from the British royal family in order to become financially independent. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to let those Amway people into the castle.
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The royal couple wants to begin earning a professional income and split their time between England and North America. To make things more fun, they should have to disguise themselves for job interviews. Then, if the royal line of succession ever comes their way, they could secretly run the UK out of an apartment in Cleveland.
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Apparently, they haven’t gotten the queen’s approval. If this goes off as planned, Harry and Meghan might be as welcomed at future royal events as Ricky Gervais at a Hollywood party.
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Last week I told you about the mysterious drones people of eastern Colorado had seen flying through the night skies in tight formation. Faced with all the reports, the Colorado Division of Homeland Security and Emergency Management sent up an airplane, which flew for five hours without finding a single drone. Of course. Everyone knows aliens have cloaking devices.
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Earlier, a 75-member task force was convened in Colorado to get to the bottom of the drone sightings. Some people on the task force are beginning to wonder whether witnesses on the ground really are seeing airplanes, instead. Sure, that’s just what the aliens want you to believe.
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Quick, name one vexing problem that was solved by a 75-member task force. The first one with a verifiable answer gets a dusty blue ribbon.
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Tik Tok, the popular Chinese smartphone app that has a lot of people worried, has been discovered to have security flaws that allowed hackers to gain access to private information and videos. A lot of young people use Tik Tok to record short, entertaining videos. OK, so maybe it is a secret plot for communists to gain power, but who thought the end of the free world would be so fun to watch?

On Second Thought for Jan. 6, 2020

1/3/2020

A lighthearted look at the news of the day:

This is the week when New Year’s resolutions have about as much chance of surviving as the last pile of cookies you stored in a kitchen cupboard.
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Think of your resolutions as fruit cake. Give them a fighting chance.
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President Trump said he made a resolution. But he told reporters in Florida he didn’t want to say what it was because he didn’t want to jinx it. Someone should tell him that expressing the insults in his head on Twitter can be a jinx, as well.
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With the holidays over, Nancy Pelosi can go back to searching her house for those articles of impeachment she might have misplaced in all the wrapping paper.
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Joe Biden raised $22.7 million for his campaign during the last quarter of 2018, while Pete Buttigieg raised $24.7 million. It’s not fair to make a comparison, however, because Biden gets a senior discount on ad purchases.
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The Army has now forbidden its soldiers from using the social media app TikTok, which originates in China. Apparently, military brass worries the app may be collecting sensitive information from its users, and that could harm national security. TikTok responded by denying the claims, then said, “On the count of three, you will all forget what those worries were.”
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All this stuff about cybersecurity and data collection is scary. I remember watching The Manchurian Candidate. Doesn’t anyone find it strange that Frank Sinatra has nothing to say about all this?
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For several days now, residents of northeast Colorado have seen large drones in the sky, flying in formation. A local sheriff tried to reassure people by issuing a statement that said, "I would like to let the community know that we at the Sheriff's office do not have many answers at this time." Sounds about as reassuring as another aging candidate fielding questions at a Democratic debate.
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Just wait until someone discovers that the only way to make the drones go away is to install TikTok on your smartphone.

On Second Thought for Dec. 23, 2019

12/20/2019

A lighthearted look at the news of the day:

This is the week when Americans everywhere will pause from their deep, dark conspiracy theories about people in the opposite political party and eagerly wait for a man in a red suit who apparently knows when we’re sleeping, when we’re awake and whether we have been good or bad.
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Maybe Santa is really just a secret NSA plot.
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Life in America just keeps getting more complicated. Now people want to impeach Luke Skywalker.
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Writing for Forbes, movie critic Scott Mendelson said the new film is the worst Star Wars movie ever. He said it takes the long series of films “from a kids’ franchise into one aimed at nostalgic adults yearning for a time when they believed they were the most important generation.” Wait. We’re not?
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Alyssa Wilkinson of Vox said, “The Rise of Skywalker falls somewhere between an overstuffed fan-service finale and a yawnfest.” Come to think of it, that sounds a lot like the House impeachment hearings.
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I’m just glad that, after 42 years, we can all get our lives back. Let’s see now, what period was that Algebra test in, again?
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Regardless of what critics say, however, Star Wars fever has infected much of the nation. It’s even hit Washington in strange ways, such as when Nancy Pelosi wiggled her fingers at Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell last week and said, “These are not the articles of impeachment you’re looking for.”
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Democrats in the House said they had to hurry to pass articles of impeachment because time was of the essence. Then they refused to pass them on to the Senate for a trial. Nancy Pelosi wants to wait … presumably until some future date when Democrats take control of the Senate.
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But regardless of that, the fever has even hit England, where Boris Johnson unveiled his own Star Wars sequel, called, The Brexit Strikes Back.
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Utah lawmakers have their own adventure film, called, The Return of the Food Tax Swamp Monster. Fans are waiting to see whether Jon Huntsman Jr. will rise up again to slay the beast.

On Second Thought for Nov. 25, 2019

11/22/2019

A lighthearted look at the news of the day:

Welcome to Thanksgiving week, that wonderful time when children who have been watching too much cable TV will try to impeach Uncle Ted for hogging all the drumsticks.
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Remember when Black Friday meant doing more than lying in bed telling Alexa what you want?
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Things are getting nasty in Washington. Rumor has it the Thanksgiving turkey may not get pardoned this week. It all depends on whether it squeals like a bird at the impeachment hearings and wants to “gobble” all the publicity.
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Actually, the turkey might not get pardoned anyway. There are far too many turkeys running around Washington as it is.
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The impeachment hearings mean Americans today have something in common with Americans in 1869, when the House held hearings against President Andrew Johnson, the first such hearings in the nation’s history. The only difference is cable TV ratings were much lower back then.
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However, social media was robust in those days, but you had to dress in dinner jackets and hoop skirts, and it could be accessed only at formal parties. Only rarely were people atwitter.
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Utah lawmakers say they’re getting close on tax reform. By that, they mean they just found out that portrait photography, photofinishing and dog grooming — three things they had eagerly taken off the list of services to tax — actually have been taxed for years.
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The Census Bureau reported last week that Americans are moving less than ever before. That’s bad for moving-van companies. But it’s good for your fitbit, which doesn’t have to count as many steps.
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But if we’re not moving, that means we’re staying put and accumulating more stuff, which means an eventual boon for eBay, which would be good for the economy, which would give everyone more useless stuff to accumulate, which means there is such a thing as a perpetual motion machine.

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