​A lighthearted look at news of the day:
 
U.S. intelligence officials would like to keep investigating attempts to influence the upcoming election, but right now they’re busy trying to get out from under a bus in Helsinki.
---
The world forgot to look at the calendar last week or people would have known that Monday was opposite day. So when President Trump answered a question about whether Russia tried to influence the 2016 election by saying, “I don't see any reason why it would be Russia,” he really meant to say “Canada.”
---
Vladimir Putin denies claims he is trying to infiltrate and rig elections in the United States. For one thing, he’s been too busy scoring multiple goals for his Legends of Hockey team against the strangely ineffective defenses of the opposition.
---
President Trump now wants to invite Vladimir Putin to visit Washington in the fall. Putin reportedly is relieved. Showing up in person would make it much easier for him to register to vote.
---
Trump asked his national security adviser to extend the invitation to Putin, but that was hardly necessary. Putin probably already knew about it, thanks to the listening devices implanted in that soccer ball he gave the president in Finland.
---
If the United States wants to retaliate against Russian election meddling, there is only one way to make it really hurt. Hack into Russian computers and rig Putin’s next election so that it’s fair.
---
Isn’t July great? In what other month can we unitedly celebrate two patriotic holidays: Amazon Prime Day and World Emoji Day?
---
Maybe you forgot to roast hotdogs for Emoji Day. Well, there’s probably a little cartoon on your phone for that. This year, 70 new Apple emojies were unveiled on World Emoji Day, including all kinds of hairstyles, from curly hair and red hair to bald. Conspicuously missing from the group, however, was what Crayola might call “presidential orange.”
 

A lighthearted look at news of the day:
 
The new White House communications director apparently changed the lights at press events to make President Trump appear thinner and younger on television. This was just the first step. Next, the administration will try to change the lights in the Senate to make Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh look like someone Democrats should vote for.
---
Last week the suspense was almost unbearable. People around the world were glued to their TV sets, anxiously wondering whether anyone had the courage and daring to rescue Angela Merkel from Donald Trump.
---
At a NATO summit, Trump said Germany, where Merkel is chancellor, is controlled by Russia because it receives some of its energy from there. Unfortunately, special prosecutor Robert Mueller did not suddenly drop everything to investigate her, as the president had hoped.
---
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo made a trip to North Korea to see if Kim Jong Un wants to live up to his promises to end his nuclear program. Kim apparently said he was inspecting a potato farm and didn’t have time to meet with him. Frankly, Kim could come up with a more believable story than that he had found food somewhere in his country.
---
A potato farm in North Korea was bad news in China. If Kim ever masters the art of making his own French fries, the McDonald’s in Beijing might go out of business.
---
A man in India began growing the fingernails on his left hand in 1952 and finally cut them last week. His thumbnail alone measured 77.9 inches when he finally got a manicure. Now the nails are going to a museum, where they will be featured in an exhibit of things no one ever would pay to see.
---
Scientists examining the remains of a 5,300-year-old man whose body was frozen in a glacier now say they know what he ate for his last meal. The meal wouldn’t have stayed in his stomach so long, but he apparently asked the server to super-size it.

​A lighthearted look at news of the day:
 
Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced his retirement last week. For many activists in Washington this answered the question, “So, what shall we do this summer?”
---
Kennedy is 81. From now on, when he wears a robe it will be so he can feel comfortable watching Judge Judy.
---
President Trump tweeted last week, “America is open for business!” Of course that doesn’t mean he is hanging “Yes, we’re open” signs along the borders.
---
Independence Day is this week. That’s the annual holiday where people in Utah try to recreate the Revolutionary War by burning down their own neighborhood.
---
Only in the West would people say, “It’s hotter than a firecracker out here – Hey! That gives me an idea!”
---
John Adams supposedly started all this by telling his wife he hoped people would forever more celebrate Independence Day with “bonfires an illuminations.” In retrospect, it would have been more thoughtful of him to say “frozen bonbons and FatBoys.”
---
But then, many of us already hold those things in one hand while we light off bottle rockets with the other.
---
Actually, it’s appropriate that we set off fireworks made in China on the Fourth of July, in honor of the amount of U.S. debt they own.
---
And speaking of trade wars, President Trump picked a fight with Harley-Davidson last week over the company’s plans to move some operations overseas. Doesn’t “picking a fight with guys on Harleys” come right after “starting a land war in Asia” on the list of things to avoid?
---
While we’re on the subject of things that make America great, the Erie SeaWolves minor league baseball team last week unveiled a fantastic new treat. It’s a hot dog wrapped in a cotton candy bun and topped with a handful of Nerds. The team sold these on something it called “sugar rush night.” If the Founding Fathers could have foreseen this, they might have had second thoughts about independence.