Jay Evensen
  • Front Page
  • Opinions
  • Second Thoughts
  • Portfolio
  • Awards
  • About

On Second Thought for Dec. 15, 2014

12/15/2014

0 Comments

 
A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Senate Democrats released a report this week on the CIA’s torture of terrorist suspects during the Bush administration. The Senate can be so one-sided, condemning one form of torture while completely ignoring all the Americans who had to sit through months of political ads this year.

---

Former Vice President Dick Cheney defended the CIA’s interrogation techniques, saying they wouldn’t have gotten any information out of terrorists by coddling them. But then Cheney, who shot a hunting buddy while in office, may not be an authority on coddling.

---

President Obama responded to the torture report by saying it shows Americans are open and transparent enough to “face our imperfections, make changes, and do better.” Ironically, those were the exact words voters used as they explained electing Republicans in November.

---

Time Magazine has named Ebola health workers as its people of the year. The winners thanked the magazine, but said they still can’t get invited to any parties.

---

It isn’t often Time officials have to deliver the annual award wearing hazmat suits.

---

Ironically, the magazine’s decision to honor Ebola fighters immediately went viral.

---

Give Utah’s Prison Relocation Commission credit. No other group could so quickly and efficiently identify places in the state that definitely do not want to be home to a prison.

---

The Prison Relocation Commission identified six possible sites for moving the current prison site in Draper. People near all six sites immediately reacted with T-shirts and protest signs. I think we’ve finally found an antidote for voter apathy.

---

Prince William and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, were in the United States last week. They attended a Cleveland Cavaliers game because someone suggested they seek an audience with King James.

---

The NBA game wasn’t completely out of character for a royal couple. After all, their tickets came with free hotdogs and a king-sized popcorn.

---

Salt Lake police have succeeded in recovering a gun that was stolen from a pickup truck in 1977. They also found the disco craze, which hasn’t been seen since about that time, either. Unfortunately, no one wanted to claim it.

---

Babycenter.com has released its list of the most popular baby names for the year. It seems traditional Christmas names, such as Mary and Joseph, are disappearing. My guess is they’re being replaced by more modern holiday names, such as Gimme and Iwantit.

0 Comments

On Second Thought for Nov. 3, 2014

10/31/2014

0 Comments

 
A lighthearted look at news of the day:

We’ve got this all wrong. We should be letting people who have been in West Africa roam free and quarantine the politicians.

---

Kaci Hickox, a nurse who had been to West Africa, defied authorities in Maine last week and went for a bike ride, all the while being followed by media and health officials who wanted to be the first to be infected should she exhibit symptoms of Ebola.

---

You can’t blame Hickox. Nothing is more relaxing than a bike ride through rural Maine with a police car and a contingent of reporters.

---

Maine officials are seeking a court order to have Hickox quarantined. She hired a civil rights attorney to fight for the right to roam freely. Unfortunately, the Ebola virus doesn’t have the patience to wait for this to wind its way through the court system.

---

The White House says someone hacked into the administration’s computers. No one knows for sure who did it, but officials might want to be on the lookout for a shirtless Russian leader trying to make purchases on a credit card with Barack Obama’s name on it.

---

The president knew something was up when he noticed a new high score on his World of Warcraft game.

---

Speaking of computers, Microsoft founder Bill Gates has announced he will turn his attention to fighting Ebola in Africa. In response, West Africa just came out with Ebola 2.0.

---

Democrats are busy drawing attention to how the nation’s unemployment rate is dropping. It’s probably not a good sign for them that they seem so suddenly obsessed with unemployment.

---

I wouldn’t say the president is pessimistic about Tuesday, but rumor has it the White House has been ordering extra heavy-duty veto pens off Amazon.

--

If they win, Republicans plan to keep sending repeals of Obamacare to his desk in hopes that one day, by accident, he’ll sign on the wrong line.

---

Meanwhile, Capitol police are getting ready to restripe the roads around Washington so they allow right turns only.

---

Cosmopolitan magazine has a unique way of encouraging young ladies at North Carolina State University to vote Tuesday. The school won a contest, so the magazine will take young ladies to the polls on busses loaded with snacks, prizes and shirtless male models. In the true spirit of democracy, they ought to switch the models with men chosen at random from the nearest Walmart.

0 Comments

On Second Thought for Aug. 4, 2014

8/1/2014

0 Comments

 
A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Is it just a coincidence that children are streaming across the border and Congress has decided to go on recess?

---

100 years ago last week, World War I began. By the end, the Ottoman Empire had been destroyed, which gave rise to modern Turkey, where the deputy prime minister last week gave a speech calling on women to stop laughing in public. As they say, once war begins, no one can predict the consequences.

---

No offense to the deputy prime minister, but any man who has to tell women to stop laughing probably has more problems than just trying to win an election.

---

Turkey’s deputy prime minister also said it was time for women to do less talking ontheir cell phones in public. He’s in the wrong job. He should be the secretary of paranoia.

---

Of course, if the Ottomans had spent less time talking about trivial things ontheir cell phones, they might still have their empire intact.

---

CIA Director John Brennan apologized to members of the Senate intelligencecommittee last week after it was learned that spies had secretly accessed their computers. He also said he was sorry for messing up some of their World of Warcraft scores.

---

It sounds like Ed Snowden was right. The United States really is obsessed withspying on its own people. Which makes you wonder why we can’t seem to spy on Ed Snowden.

---

Seriously, what could be so important on a Senate member’s computer? Here’s a typical journal entry: “July 20 – Almost agreed to pass an important bill today, then remembered I hate the other party.”

---

Actually, Congress isn’t as gridlocked as one might think. Just last week, the House agreed to sue the president.

---

The lawsuit contends the president is misusing his power by changing laws without the consent of Congress. With any luck, this will wind its way through the legal system in time for the 2024 election.

---

Researchers in Wales have found that people spread fewer germs through fist bumps than by shaking hands the conventional way. Makes sense. How many boxers do you seewith the common cold?

---

The problem with fist bumps is they have to be timed right and given the correct velocity. Most people would prefer a common cold to broken knuckles.

---

Also, fist bumps can be misinterpreted. Imagine if Jimmy Carter had tried to fistbump Anwar Sadaat and Menachem Begin after the Camp David accord in 1978. We might still be seeing violence in the Middle East.
0 Comments

On Second Thought for March 3, 2014

2/28/2014

0 Comments

 
A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Congress has been considering a measure to exempt Olympic athletes from paying taxes on the money they win if they medal. Where is the Occupy movement when we need them? I mean, Olympic medal winners are even more elite than the 1 percent.

---

Of course, if they knew the medals were tax-exempt, maybe the U.S. hockey team might have had a greater incentive to win.

---

Researchers are working hard at bringing extinct animals back to life, such as Passenger Pigeons or Woolly Mammoths, using DNA science. If they succeed, they might tackle something really hard, like Democrats in Utah.

---

Do we really want to do this? What if we find out that Wooly Mammoths went extinct because they were pecked to death by Passenger Pigeons?

---

A man in South Carolina was arrested recently for trying to pay a restaurant tab with a trillion-dollar bill. This shows how stupid criminals can be. He should have chosen a place where that kind of money would be more appropriate, such as the concession stand at an NBA game.

---

He should have hung onto the money. It might come in handy once the Federal Reserve’s inflationary policies take hold.

---

Speaking of money, a California couple recently found tin cans buried in their yard, filled with 19th century gold coins worth an estimated $10 million. Congress is now contemplating a new revenue scheme involving metal detectors.

---

At least, instead of always kicking the can down the road, Congress now is going to look inside the can, first.

---

The odd thing about the treasure is it was found at the end of a rainbow.

---

Today’s generation isn’t going to leave many treasures like this, even by accident. The best someone from the 22nd century can hope for is a can filled with old credit cards, or with someone’s receipt for a bitcoin.

---

The Utah House recently held a hearing on whether to do away with daylight saving time. People who went were heard to say, “That’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back.”

0 Comments

On Second Thought for Dec. 23, 2013

12/23/2013

0 Comments

 
A lighthearted look at news of the day:

This is the week when Americans turn from their anger and suspicion toward NSA spying and look with glee toward a man in a red suit who apparently knows when we’re sleeping, when we’re awake and whether we have been good or bad.

--- 

Maybe NSA really stands for NorthPole Santa Alliance.

---

Peek through the windows of that new NSA complex in Bluffdale. If you see a bunch of elves wearing headphones and staring at computers, be very afraid.

---

This much is sure — no married man working for the NSA has any excuse for not knowing exactly what his wife wants for Christmas.

---

Meanwhile, Ed Snowden reportedly is working on a deal to obtain asylum from Brazil. Winter nights in Russia are no carnival in Rio. Most people don’t need to uncover state secrets to figure that out.

---

You would think with all the NSA’s eavesdropping ability, they would have some idea of the secrets Ed Snowden still has left to release.

---

Dennis Rodman is on another trip to North Korea. He and Kim Jong Un seem to have a good relationship. Rodman should worry, however, if Kim ever tells him he “loves him like an uncle.”

---

Kim executed his uncle, Jang Song Thaek, as a traitor. My guess is the next family reunion will be a bit awkward, but Kim will get the largest piece of cake.

---

Rodman says Kim just wants President Obama to call him. That’s because Kim won’t allow anyone else in North Korea to own a phone and he needs someone to talk to.

---

General Motors has hired its first female CEO. I guess that puts the final nail in the coffin of all those “women driver” jokes from the 1950s.

Rep. Trey Radel of Florida completed his drug rehab program last week and announced he is returning to Washington to do what “you sent me to do.” Apparently, what Floridians sent him to do involves meeting regularly with a parole officer.

0 Comments

On Second Thought for July 29, 2013

7/26/2013

0 Comments

 
Picture
I would say something about Anthony Weiner, but it appears he has had enough exposure already.

Given all we now know about Weiner and his Internet … uh … habits, it appears the most shocking thing we’ve heard from him lately is that he still intends to run for mayor of New York.

My guess is voters there might still forgive him if he promises to let people drink more than 16 ounces of soda pop.

The Senate passed a bill this week that ought to keep government-backed student loans at low interest rates. If there is one thing with which Congress has experience, it’s knowing how to borrow money easily.

To be fair, Congress ought to pass a law letting today’s students pass their loans onto their children or grandchildren.

If North Korea should get belligerent again any time soon, the United States could do worse than threatening to drop copies of “The Lone Ranger” or “R.I.P.D.” on them. The world hasn’t seen bombs that big in a long time.

The Postal Service still exceeds Hollywood for losses this summer. Congress now is considering eliminating door-to-door delivery to save money. The next step would be to eliminate deliveries during snow, rain, heat or gloom of night.

The Postal Services wants to deliver mail to “cluster boxes” rather than to individual homes. For example, Texas could have a cluster box in Austin, Kansas could have one in Topeka, etc.

Think of the feelings of anticipation you would get as you drive hundreds of miles to pick up your junk mail.

Maybe we’re going about this push for democracy around the world all wrong. We ought to be pushing for monarchies. Then when royal babies are born, people will be too excited to do anything bad to each other.

My favorite breaking news alert of the week: Kate Middleton still not yet skinny again.


0 Comments

On Second Thought for July 1, 2013

6/28/2013

0 Comments

 
A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Welcome to the season when Utahns prove their patriotism by setting fire to their neighborhoods.
❑ ❑ ❑
This year, the Legislature made it harder for cities to outlaw fireworks, just in case someone gets the subversive notion to protect the public.
❑ ❑ ❑
You just know one person was cheering the Supreme Court for making all those controversial decisions last week — Edward Snowden. Once the court ruled on the Defense of Marriage Act, he could have walked right down Pennsylvania Avenue without attracting attention.
❑ ❑ ❑
Russian President Vladimir Putin said Snowden is in the transit zone at Moscow’s airport. No word on whether he has endless free vouchers for the food court.
❑ ❑ ❑
If he does, he could earn money by making a sequel to “Supersize me.” U.S. authorities should let him stay there awhile, then they could more easily track him through satellites.
❑ ❑ ❑
Putin said Russia never worked with Snowden and isn’t planning to work with him. I’m guessing a lot depends on your definition of work. Emptying your pockets of secret information isn’t exactly something you can charge for by the hour.
❑ ❑ ❑
If Snowden’s reward for leaking sensitive government information is to spend the rest of his life in an airport, don’t expect to see a lot of whistle blowers at the NSA any time soon.
❑ ❑ ❑
That’s not to say Adam Zimmerman wasn’t grateful, as well, to be taken from the front page, at least momentarily. Given America’s short attention span, lots of people already are saying, “Wait, isn’t he that guy from Men’s Wearhouse?”
❑ ❑ ❑
President Obama was also grateful, as hardly anyone noticed when he gave environmentalists a summertime Christmas present by imposing energy measures through executive order.
❑ ❑ ❑
Speaking of Christmas, it apparently would be ironic to give the president a lump of coal in his stocking this year.
Jay Evensen is the associate editor of the Deseret News editorial page. Follow him on Twitter @jayevensen.
0 Comments

On Second Thought for May 27, 2013

5/24/2013

0 Comments

 
A lighthearted look at issues of the day:

This is graduation season, or the time when years of hard work earns you the reward of sitting in a long, boring meeting and balancing a piece of cardboard on your head.
❑ ❑ ❑
Congratulations! Here’s your diploma. Your first student loan payment is due Friday.
❑ ❑ ❑
Lois Lerner, the director of the IRS division that apparently didn’t like conservative groups, invoked the Fifth Amendment last week to avoid testifying about this before Congress. Thousands of audited taxpayers now have a new strategy.
❑ ❑ ❑
Members of Congress were clearly upset at Lerner’s decision not to testify. For one thing, politicians can’t imagine someone actually not wanting to speak when a camera is present.
❑ ❑ ❑
Lerner told Congress she had done nothing wrong, just before she said she wasn’t going to say anything more. In retrospect, we all would have been better off if Bill Clinton had used this strategy in the Monica Lewinsky matter.
❑ ❑ ❑
Not long after this, the IRS released a statement saying, “We have no knowledge of an employee named Lois Lerner.”
❑ ❑ ❑
Two would-be criminals in Fresno got caught last week because one of them accidentally “pocket dialed” 911 while breaking into a car. Isn’t that always how it goes? You can station lookouts on all sides but forget about who is listening in your pants.
❑ ❑ ❑
Some emergency dispatch centers say about one-third of the calls they field are from phones accidentally dialed from within pockets. It’s a good thing first responders are there to save our rear ends.
❑ ❑ ❑
Authorities rank “pocket dialing” criminals right up there with the ones who brag about their exploits on Facebook or Twitter. It’s enough to make you lose faith in the rising generation of thugs.
❑ ❑ ❑
Apple’s CEO had to explain to Congress last week why his company took pains to avoid paying U.S. taxes. The hearing almost coincided with that of IRS official Lois Lerner, who was asked to explain why the IRS has been abusing its power. Apparently, no one saw the irony.
❑ ❑ ❑
Apple is in trouble because its CEO feels U.S. corporate tax rates are too high and its stockholders are demanding the highest possible returns. When he used the words “thrift” and “profit,” senators had to recess to find a dictionary.
❑ ❑ ❑
Fox is starting a new reality show in which real workers at real companies have to decide which of them should be fired. Apparently, some television networks haven’t caught the vision of how the economy needs companies to create jobs, not destroy them.
Jay Evensen is the associate editor of the Deseret News editorial page. Follow him on Twitter @jayevensen.
0 Comments

On Second Thought for May 6, 2013

5/3/2013

0 Comments

 
Picture
On Second Thought is a weekly feature that takes a lighthearted look at current events.

President Obama has once again vowed to close the prison for terrorists at Guantanamo Bay, if only he could find the darned key.
❑ ❑ ❑
Rumor has it he asked the former president for it during the opening of Bush library, but W. said he thought Dick Cheney still had the keys.
❑ ❑ ❑
Congress and the president have decided not to furlough air traffic controllers after all. Instead, they just won’t pay them.
❑ ❑ ❑
Five years after the Great Recession, home prices finally are spiking upward again. That means Congress can once again take the money it spent helping people avoid foreclosure and divert it to helping poor people get homes they can’t afford.
❑ ❑ ❑
Boeing officials say the company is working on a plane that would have the longest range of any passenger jet. The trick is designing a galley large enough to hold the amount of peanuts and pretzels needed to keep people alive from London to Honolulu.
❑ ❑ ❑
The Defense Department announced last week it won’t permit any religious proselytizing in the military. In other words, it may be true there aren’t any atheists in foxholes, but anyone trying to press the issue could get court martialed.
❑ ❑ ❑
Americans were infused with hope last week that strong leadership would emerge to vanquish the stubborn ideologues in Washington and save the nation’s long-term economy from ruin. But then they learned Iron Man is fictional.
❑ ❑ ❑
If Washington wrote its own superhero movie, the House version would have Austerity Man battling the evil forces of Sequestration and the Deficit Hog. The Senate version would have Robin Hood taking from the rich and giving to … the Deficit Hog.
❑ ❑ ❑
Social media is filled with sophisticated, modern, Information-Age consumers who know they can trust crowd sourcing more than the mainstream media. That’s why, not long after the Boston Marathon bombings, the Czech embassy had to release a statement instructing Twitter and Facebook users that, contrary to what many people were posting, the Czech Republic is not the same as Chechnya.

Jay Evensen is the associate editor of the Deseret News editorial page. Follow him on Twitter @jayevensen.

0 Comments

On Second Thought for April 29, 2013

4/26/2013

1 Comment

 
Politicians in Washington thought they could scare us with long lines at the airport. Ha! That’s like scaring Britons with fog.
❑ ❑ ❑
Inconvenience at an airport? This is news? That’s kind of like fruitcake at Christmas — inevitable, distasteful, hardly a surprise, but something you have to endure to get to grandma’s house.
❑ ❑ ❑
Besides, Americans don’t worry about canceled flights because they relish food vouchers for greasy restaurants and a night at a bad hotel without luggage.
❑ ❑ ❑
It was interesting to see how quickly Congress acted when airline passengers started complaining. If we could somehow tie rising air fares to the growth of the national debt, our problems soon would be solved.
❑ ❑ ❑
Federal officials, meanwhile, are trying to explain why they arrested an apparently innocent Mississippi man for sending ricin-laced envelopes to the president and members of Congress. At least his name wasn’t Richard Jewell.
❑ ❑ ❑
Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o wasn’t picked the first round of the NFL draft last week. Maybe coaches worried he would chase imaginary ball carriers.
❑ ❑ ❑
Given the questionable, and sometimes illegal, exploits of some athletes off the field, being true to a fictional girlfriend shouldn’t be a concern.
❑ ❑ ❑
Former president George W. Bush learned this week that his poll numbers are up. If the key to popularity is to not say much for four years, I don’t think a lot of politicians have it in them.
❑ ❑ ❑
Meanwhile, the approval rating for Congress fell to 13.5 percent. Apparently, not saying anything is not the same as not doing anything.
❑ ❑ ❑
Imagine bringing Alexander Hamilton back from the dead and trying to explain to him how a false tweet nearly started a panic on Wall Street last week.
❑ ❑ ❑
The market went into a brief selling frenzy when someone hacked into the Associated Press’ Twitter account and tweeted that the White House had been attacked and the president hurt. This happened because computers were selling in a sort of autopilot mode. Apparently, computers are not levelheaded in a crisis — something to remember in case your toilet overflows in sight of your laptop.
❑ ❑ ❑
Wall Street investors are really computers? So it’s true what they say about those financiers being heartless.
❑ ❑ ❑
In other aviation news, Boeing is set to begin delivery of its 787 soon. But unless Congress solves sequestration, they won’t actually get clearance to take off until some time in 2015.
Jay Evensen is the associate editor of the Deseret News editorial page. Follow him on Twitter @jayevensen.
1 Comment
<<Previous

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

    RSS Feed

    Ha! Ha! Ha!

    Everyone likes to laugh. Some of us even like to groan occasionally. Well, you've come to the right place. "On second thought" is a weekly feature I  produce for the Deseret News, available on Mondays. But here you can read them as I think of them.
      Oh yes, and if you've got something even funnier, post it in the comments. If I like it, I may use it.

    Archives

    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    May 2019
    March 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012

    Categories

    All
    Anthony Weiner
    Barack Obama
    Bcs
    Belarus
    Congress
    Donald Trump
    Fast And Furious
    Mitt Romney
    Nasa
    North Korea
    North Korea
    Olympics
    Politics
    Ron Paul
    Tea Party
    Utah
    Utah Legislature
    Venus


Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
Photos used under Creative Commons from Gwydion M. Williams, PetroleumJelliffe, mike.benedetti, ScrippsBee, Images_of_Money