A lighthearted look at news of the day

Alex Rodriguez has reported to spring training with the Yankees after a one-year suspension. The team faces a dilemma. If they let him play, they also have to open up several roster spots for his attorneys.

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Rodriguez offered an apology for his actions. Perhaps the Yankees’ slogan for 2015 should be, “Our third baseman is sorry.”

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Utah lawmakers want to turn the decision on prison relocation over to a small commission. The commission, in turn, wants to turn it over to a call center in India.

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Actually, India may turn up soon on the list of politically safe places to move the Utah prison.

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Everywhere lawmakers want to put the prison, protests follow. And lawmakers have made so much noise about moving it out of Draper that even Draper would protest if it stayed. The Legislature has yet to consider the easiest solution, which would be simply to legalize everything.

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People in Brooklyn were happy about Net neutrality until they discovered it doesn't mean the Nets will play all their road games on a neutral court.

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The FCC voted to enforce Net neutrality last week. This is the concept based on the notion that people are clamoring for the Internet to be subject to a 1934 law governing rotary telephones.

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From now on, all Google searches will be handled by a team of operators at a switchboard.

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Actually, from now on the Internet will be treated as a public utility. This is great. Imagine how much farther along cyberspace innovation would be today if it had been regulated by the government from the start.

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Under Net neutrality, nobody can pay extra for faster Internet speeds. This is good because who would want to pay to go faster on a toll road when you could sit in a traffic jam with everyone else?

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Have you noticed that real war heroes never pretend to have been in the media or served in government?

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Disneyland raised its admission price to $99. That’s to cover the cost of a bounce house in the new “Inflation Land.”

 

A lighthearted look at news of the day

The Seattle Seahawks must be fans of Mitt Romney. At least, the coaches found him influential. In the end, Mitt decided he didn’t want to run, and neither did the Seahawks.

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For winning the Super Bowl MVP award, Tom Brady was given a new pickup truck. The Indianapolis Colts reportedly complained that the tires looked a little mushy.

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Some people felt Disneyland should have closed down because of the recent outbreak of measles. But the people running the theme park didn’t want to do anything rash.

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As Disneyland has learned, there are some ways in which “going viral” is not a good thing.

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It’s funny, in all those science fiction shows about life in the 21st century, I don’t remember the plot line where people suddenly become stupid and ancient diseases once again take over the land.

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Disneyland is hoping to make the best of a bad situation. The park will be expanding soon, opening a new “Infirmary Land.”

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The U.S. economy really must be improving. I heard last week that even Harper Lee found work.

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After 55 years, Harper Lee announced she is publishing a new book. At this rate, she will catch upwith Stephen King by the year 3000.

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Harper Lee and President Obama’s budget both shared the media spotlight last week. The difference was her work of fantasy stands a good chance of ending with a profit.

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Her book is supposed to be a sequel, of sorts, to To Kill A Mockingbird. If she really wants to modernize it, Atticus Finch should develop super powers and fight racist alien bad guys on the top of a speeding train.

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Operating on the assumption the economy has completely recovered, President Obama’s proposed budget would raise taxes and greatly increase government spending. Sounds like he’s been listening to the Utah Legislature.

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The Republican Congress, on finding Obama’s budget in the mail, said, “President who?”

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RadioShack has announced it is downsizing. From now on it really will be just a guy selling a radio in a shack.

 

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Utah lawmakers are talking about raising the gasoline tax. No mention of whether that would reduce the exhaust coming from Capitol Hill.
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 So, we have Utah conservatives debating over how to raise taxes. Next thing you know, President Obama will begin talking about ways to help rich people keep more of their own money.
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The Republican-controlled U.S. Senate wasted little time in sending a bill approving the Keystone XL Pipeline to President Obama’s desk. The only people in Washington likely to benefit over the next two years are the couriers who will keep their Fit Bits busy carrying bills and vetoes back and forth.
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The Secret Service discovered a drone tangled in a tree on the White House lawn last week. Meanwhile, the president was wandering around saying, “Has anyone seen the stuff I ordered from Amazon’s quick delivery service?”
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The Chinese manufacturer of the drone announced it would make future drones inoperable in airspace above the White House, subject to future trade negotiations between China and the U.S.
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Apparently, the only things that definitely weren’t deflated at the Super Bowl yesterday were ticket prices. The NBA reportedly was so impressed by the publicity drummed up by deflate-gate that it is considering deflating basketballs during the playoffs.
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A French court has ruled that parents may not name their baby Nutella, after the popular hazelnut spread. The parents, who apparently had their heart set on naming the child after something people put on bread, reportedly said, “This puts us in a jam.”
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The French judge said Nutella was a trade name that would not be in the child’s interest. Of course, little Nutella could have grown up, moved to the United States and married Hershey, which, according to Babycenter.com, was a name some American parents gave their baby boys in 2014. This would be what is known as a delicious irony. 
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Sky Mall has filed for bankruptcy. This is awful news. Where will we go now for bark-colored faces to stick in our trees and kitty litter boxes that look like fancy Living Room end tables?