Jay Evensen
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On Second Thought for Jan. 28, 2013

1/25/2013

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"On Second Thought" is a weekly series of brief and lighthearted observations of current events.

So far, President Obama has filled up his second-term cabinet mostly with white men. He would pick some women, but they’re all still in Mitt Romney’s binders.

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Meanwhile, during last week’s inaugural address, someone apparently accidentally loaded the president’s teleprompter with an old campaign speech given in Ohio.

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President Obama’s speech echoed the inaugurations of great past presidents, with only slight variations. “With malice toward none,” for instance, became, “With malice toward none except those who want to cut entitlements.”

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President Kennedy’s words were modified to, “Ask not what your country can do for you. If you’re rich, here’s what you can do for your country.”

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Later, controversy erupted when critics accused the president of having lip-synced his speech.

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Last week, the government announced it was lifting the ban on women soldiers serving in combat roles. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton celebrated by lobbing grenades at Republicans in Congress.

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When asked by Congress to explain her role in the tragic attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, Libya, Mrs. Clinton explained in detail that she had never heard of the place.

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Utahns everywhere are marking an annual event filled with drama, suspense and frequent comedic relief. No, not the Sundance Film Festival. I’m talking about the annual session of the state Legislature.

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State lawmakers are licking their chops at the chance to pass bills that send a message to those scoundrels in Washington. Back in Washington, meanwhile, some low-level bureaucrat is preparing room for these messages in a warehouse near the Postal Service’s dead letter collection.

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In an interview with Katie Couric last week, Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o assured Americans that from now on he will date only real girls, as approved by his 6-foot rabbit friend, Harvey.

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Northern Utahns learned last week that nature has a sense of humor. Why else would people look forward to relief from a relentless choking fog and then get hit with freezing rain?

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I don’t know whether Utah will ever host another Olympics, but during Thursday’s storm I saw a sedan do a triple Salchow on the freeway.

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Jay Evensen is the associate editor of the Deseret News editorial page. Follow him on Twitter @jayevensen.

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On Second Thought for Jan. 21, 2013

1/18/2013

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Now that the nation has avoided the fiscal cliff for a few more weeks, it’s time to turn our attention to something really important: fictional girlfriends.
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Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o’ learned last week that his girlfriend, who supposedly died a few months ago, never really existed. Americans reacted angrily. They expect their sports heroes to have fictional achievements, not fictional girlfriends.
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Speaking of which, bicycling champion Lance Armstrong confessed last week to sinking the Maine, kidnapping the Lindbergh baby and firing from the grassy knoll … no, that wasn’t it. Well, it was something apparently just as bad, because it took him two nights of prime time television to tell it to Oprah Winfrey.
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The Emmys should come up with a new endurance award and give it to those TV viewers who endured the first night of Armstrong and then returned for the second.
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St. Augustine took less time to confess, and he actually showed remorse.
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Armstrong’s admission he cheated to win the Tour de France came right after voters for the Baseball Hall of Fame declined to induct any of that game’s biggest stars from the ‘90s because of strong suspicions they used performance enhancers. This is all a bit pathetic considering Babe Ruth set a bunch of records with just a belly full of hotdogs and a hangover.
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Te’o’, on the other hand, can be forgiven for his behavior. Lots of guys in college have had fictional girlfriends.
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Of course, not many of those fictional girlfriends have been able to get by fact-checkers at major news organizations.
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ESPN broadcaster Brent Musburger got in trouble recently for making on-air comments about the girlfriend of the University of Alabama’s quarterback. Among other things, he said quarterbacks get all the beautiful girls. Well, at least they get real ones.
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Can it be just coincidence that, with resentment growing over how the president and Congress are messing up the economy, they are now trying to get people to lay down their weapons?
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Meanwhile, in snow-covered Utah a lot of gun owners want to remind the president that their fingers may be cold, but they’re not dead.
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Some people believe the Newtown, Conn., shooting was made up, using actors. Sure, that’s just what an actor wants, a gig you can’t put on a resume and that would prohibit you from ever landing another part.
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Rumor has it Robert Redford decided to hold the Sundance Film Festival in January so all those Hollywood types would feel right at home in the smog from a Utah inversion.
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After the state installed those pumps in the west desert during floods 30 years ago, it’s amazing no one has thought of putting a giant oscillating fan atop the Wasatch Mountains to clear out the air.
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Of course, the state Legislature is getting ready to convene its annual session, so plenty of hot air will be circulating soon.
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On Second Thought for Jan. 14, 2013

1/11/2013

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By Jay Evensen
Deseret News
First we were plucked from the edge of the fiscal cliff. Now we need to be saved from the looming debt ceiling. Then, automatic spending cuts will push us to the cliff again in March. Let’s face it, as superheroes go, politicians are pretty lame.
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Have you checked you paycheck stubs? We might not have fallen off a cliff, but we definitely lost altitude.
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What’s next? A “we’re tied to the tracks and the train is coming” crisis? If so, someone needs to untie Greece from the tracks, first.
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A newspaper back east created controversy recently by publishing the names and addresses of all concealed-weapons holders in its area. Word has it the next target will be all New Yorkers who possess soft drinks in quantities larger than 16 ounces.
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Meanwhile, Spring City, Utah, decided to take a different route. The City Council was mulling an ordinance to require everyone in town to posses a gun. No word on whether the mayor and city council would be required to have bigger guns than everyone else.
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Washington can’t seem to get around to eliminating pennies, which pile up in sock drawers, but the Treasury may soon begin minting a trillion-dollar coin. Wait until Uncle Sam tries to break one of those at a 7-Eleven.
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The $1 trillion coin is the Obama administration’s latest threat in its battle to get Congress to increase the nation’s debt ceiling. In laymen’s terms, it’s like getting the mother of all credit cards.
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The Post Office may want to consider creating a trillion-dollar stamp. All it would take is for the government to mail one letter.
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Then the coin could circulate to the Social Security Administration, the military and even the NHL. There could be no end to the organizations it saves. The good news is soon we’ll all have these coins in our pockets. The bad news is we’ll need them just to buy a loaf of bread.
Jay Evensen is the associate editor of the Deseret News editorial page. Follow him on Twitter @jayevensen.
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    Everyone likes to laugh. Some of us even like to groan occasionally. Well, you've come to the right place. "On second thought" is a weekly feature I  produce for the Deseret News, available on Mondays. But here you can read them as I think of them.
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