Jay Evensen
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On Second Thought for March 23, 2015

3/20/2015

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A lighthearted look at news of the day

Mitt Romney will be boxing Evander Holyfield in Salt Lake City to raise money for a charity. Democrats say when Romney hits the canvass he’ll probably flip-flop.

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You just know Mitt Romney is serious about this fight. He was seen in a meat locker pummeling some filet mignon.

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Romney says the two will spar around a bit, but no one will get hurt. Holyfield is a good sport. There is a reason no one does exhibition bouts with Mike Tyson.

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It’s too bad Mitt no longer is running for president. Given what the person in that job has to go through, getting pummeled would help him look more presidential.

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Actually, Romney has hit on a great new fund-raising strategy. Next, he’ll solicit sponsorships to compete on America’s Top Model.

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Vladimir Putin disappeared for 10 days recently. Turns out he was in the Kremlin all along. No one recognized him because he was wearing a shirt.

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Actually, no one seemed to know where Putin had gone. Even Sarah Palin no longer could see him from her backyard.

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Ed Snowden may not like how the U.S. government spies on people, but at least in this country the NSA always knows where the president (and everyone else) is at all times.

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Russia can be a rough country for politicians. When someone goes missing, people always assume they have gone to rest with Hillary’s emails, so to speak.

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In the wake of her email scandal, Hillary Clinton is getting tired of people telling her she’s out of touch with the American people. She wishes they would just leave her alone to fill out her NIT bracket.

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March Madness has begun. If Americans spent this much time at work actually doing work, the economy would explode.

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Just imagine how confusing it would be during March to work in a bracket factory.

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Apparently, President Obama has as much influence with Israeli voters right now as he does with U.S. voters.

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Just to show there were no hard feelings, Obama called to congratulate Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on his re-election … more than a day after results were announced. He was waiting for precincts in Hawaii to report, first.

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On Second Thought for March 9, 2015

3/6/2015

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A lighthearted look at news of the day 

I don’t know why everyone thinks Hillary Clinton was trying to hide something by using her personal email account while Secretary of State. The NSA should have a comprehensive collection of everything she wrote.
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Maybe Clinton doesn’t want us to see how many times she responded to a certain Nigerian prince who contacted her claiming to hold millions of dollars she could collect for a small fee.
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Awhile back, Kim Kardashian failed miserably in her attempt to “break the Internet” with photos of herself. Now it turns out she would have had better luck wearing a certain white and gold dress, or was it blue and black?
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Blue and black? White and gold? Whoever made that dress has invented the perfect cover for a crime. Police would be so busy refereeing disputes among eyewitnesses they couldn’t identify a suspect.
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Europeans complain that, compared to them, Americans spend too much time at work and not enough time on vacation. But the dress controversy proves them wrong. Americans, ever the innovators, know how to be on vacation and at work at the same time.
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Think of this controversy as a “dress” rehearsal for all the time people will waste soon on March Madness.
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Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu decided to speak publicly to Congress last week about Iran, rather than work privately with President Obama. Israel apparently is the one place on earth where the U.S. Congress still has a decent approval rating.
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A Drug Enforcement Administration official told the Utah Senate recently that he opposes legalizing medicinal marijuana because he once found a rabbit that apparently had eaten a marijuana plant in the back country and lost its natural instinct to run from humans. This is known as fuzzy, or perhaps furry, logic. Still, the Senate committee was all ears.
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This explains why campers in Utah have had trouble lately keeping wildlife away from their munchies.
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The House Education Committee has recommended that Utah high schools begin requiring four years of math. Students reacted by saying, “That would mean math classes for, like, 50 percent of our high school years.”

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