Jay Evensen
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On Second Thought for March 3, 2014

2/28/2014

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A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Congress has been considering a measure to exempt Olympic athletes from paying taxes on the money they win if they medal. Where is the Occupy movement when we need them? I mean, Olympic medal winners are even more elite than the 1 percent.

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Of course, if they knew the medals were tax-exempt, maybe the U.S. hockey team might have had a greater incentive to win.

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Researchers are working hard at bringing extinct animals back to life, such as Passenger Pigeons or Woolly Mammoths, using DNA science. If they succeed, they might tackle something really hard, like Democrats in Utah.

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Do we really want to do this? What if we find out that Wooly Mammoths went extinct because they were pecked to death by Passenger Pigeons?

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A man in South Carolina was arrested recently for trying to pay a restaurant tab with a trillion-dollar bill. This shows how stupid criminals can be. He should have chosen a place where that kind of money would be more appropriate, such as the concession stand at an NBA game.

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He should have hung onto the money. It might come in handy once the Federal Reserve’s inflationary policies take hold.

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Speaking of money, a California couple recently found tin cans buried in their yard, filled with 19th century gold coins worth an estimated $10 million. Congress is now contemplating a new revenue scheme involving metal detectors.

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At least, instead of always kicking the can down the road, Congress now is going to look inside the can, first.

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The odd thing about the treasure is it was found at the end of a rainbow.

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Today’s generation isn’t going to leave many treasures like this, even by accident. The best someone from the 22nd century can hope for is a can filled with old credit cards, or with someone’s receipt for a bitcoin.

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The Utah House recently held a hearing on whether to do away with daylight saving time. People who went were heard to say, “That’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back.”

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On Second Thought for Feb. 24, 2014

2/22/2014

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A lighthearted look at current events:

Facebook paid $19 billion last week for a startup company that employs 55 people and creates an app that essentially duplicates instant messaging. It’s called WhatsApp, which sounds very much like the question people on Wall Street were asking afterward.

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WhatsApp allows users to sign on for free for one year, then charges 99 cents a year after that, and it uses no advertising. No one seems to know if has made any money. With business decisions like this, Mark Zuckerberg may soon find himself in charge of Obamacare.

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Meanwhile, New York City agreed to pay $6.4 million to a man who spent 23 years in prison for a murder he didn’t commit. He should appeal to Mark Zuckerberg. After all, just like WhatsApp, he hasn’t done anything, either.

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An initiative process is underway in California to divide the state into six new states. Smart idea. Having six bankrupt states would attract more federal bailout money.

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Organizers might have a better shot at just taking certain parts of the state and petitioning to have them recognized as separate planets.

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The Hubble telescope reported last week that it had discovered what was thought to be the oldest thing ever seen. But then scientists realized they had accidentally pointed the thing at earth and were looking at Keith Richards.

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Or it might have been pointed at Joe Newman, the 101-year-old man in Florida who has announced he is running for Congress in the state’s 16th district. He is not running as a Republican or Democrat. Word has it he was disappointed to learn the Whig Party was no longer around.

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Newman assured voters he isn’t interested in a lengthy political career. He just needs some extra money to take care of his aging parents.

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Utah credit unions have launched a new program allowing people to register to vote at any credit union, even if they’re not members. And the best part? You don’t even have to know the first thing about politics, the issues or any of the candidates.

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On Second Thought for Feb. 17, 2014

2/14/2014

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A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Wait — so, raising the debt ceiling suddenly is OK? Can’t Congress find some other fiscal cliff or crevice they haven’t almost fallen into yet?

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Word has it the president is working up an executive order that will outlaw winter weather. He got tired of waiting while the issue seemed frozen in Congress.

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It’s actually kind of refreshing to hear that people in Washington are shoveling snow, rather than the usual substance.

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Snowstorms snarled traffic again in Georgia and ground Washington to a halt. In Utah, we have sympathy. Sometimes when it snows 10 inches here people come to work as much as 10 minutes late.

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Meanwhile, in Sochi, Olympic organizers are thinking about declaring the summer games open, instead.

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The worst part about unusually warm weather in Sochi is that it has been difficult to persuade Vladimir Putin to keep his shirt on.

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Meanwhile, due to the weather, the Jamaican bobsled team suddenly found itself at an advantage.

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Organizers say not to worry. They have been stockpiling snow for just such an emergency. What a shame if someone were to sneak in, steal all that snow and replace it with puddles of water.

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The irony is they could move the games to Atlanta right now and be just fine.

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Slovenia’s star downhill racer, Tina Maze, also is an enormously popular singer in her country. As pop stars go, not even Miley Cyrus has gone downhill faster lately.

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Meanwhile, Bob Costas’ eyes have been getting bloodshot faster than even Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s.

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Has anyone ever tried to clean house by inviting a curling team over and tossing a stone on the floor?

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In California, lawmakers are thinking about putting warning labels on sugary drinks, letting people know about health risks. Meanwhile, California voters will be considering measures this fall to legalize marijuana, which wouldn’t come with any warning labels — unless perhaps it was baked into a sugary brownie.

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Apparently, it’s OK to lose your memory and coordination and be unable to function properly; just don’t do something socially awkward, like gain weight.

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On Second Thought for Feb. 10, 2014

2/7/2014

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A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Apparently, Sochi wants to add several new events to this year’s Olympics, such as the mad dash for adequate toilet facilities.

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Early arriving media and athletes were treated to a fun ice-breaking activity last week — finishing construction of their own hotel rooms.

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Well, what do you expect for $51 billion, hot and cold running borscht?

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Russia’s deputy prime minister said Sochi is as safe as Boston, Washington or New York. This is supposed to make us feel better? Throw Burley, Idaho onto that list and we’ll breathe easier.

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Among the problems in Sochi — tap water that may be toxic. Early arrivers were warned not to wash their faces in it. No doubt certain stronger beverages are available for that purpose.

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Law-enforcement says to be on the lookout for toothpaste bombs, something new in the arsenal of terrorists looking to disrupt the games. That’s actually good news. Given the condition of the water, it’s unlikely many people will brush their teeth anyway.

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Someone should tell organizers that the Super Bowl would be more exciting if two teams showed up.

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Seattle had an unfair advantage in the Super Bowl. Apparently, the NSA was able to intercept Payton Manning’s signals and sell the information to the Seahawks’ defense.

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G.I. Joe turned 50 this week and is still popular. You would think young boys wouldn’t get excited about playing with an action figure that is collecting a military pension.

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It’s been a rough 50 years for G.I. Joe. For one thing, he shrank from 12 inches to 3 ¾ inches. War will beat you down.

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G.I. Joe looks pretty good for his age, but he’s had a lot of plastic surgery.

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The Utah constitution limits lawmakers to 45 days for their annual session — which means there is plenty of time to argue over the proper cadence for students to use when reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.

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Francis Bellamy, the guy who wrote the original version of the pledge in 1892, was an avowed socialist who wanted to redistribute income to help the poor. In other words, Utah lawmakers may revere his words, but they never would have helped him get elected.

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On Second Thought for Feb. 3, 2014

2/5/2014

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A lighthearted look at news of the day:

In Hollywood, bad news is supposed to come in multiples of three. Sort of makes you wonder what Justin Bieber will do next.

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Last week, Time magazine reported that the White House is now required to respond to a petition calling for deportation of Justin Bieber after his arrest on DUI charges. Reportedly, the online petition has attracted more than 100,000 signatures. Isn’t it good to know America can unite on the really important national issues?

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So let’s get this straight: Canada hasn’t been able to get a straight answer from the White House about an oil pipeline for about six years now, but 100,000 Bieber haters will get an answer in 30 days? 

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While America was waiting on word from the White House, Bieber turned himself into Toronto police in connection with assault charges from last year. Canadians may soon be petitioning to extradite him back to the United States.

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Meanwhile, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford reportedly comforted Bieber by telling him Toronto’s jails aren’t so bad, and offering to introduce him to the right bunch of people.

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Much of the lower 48 shivered through ice and snow last week that caused impossibly complicated traffic jams in Atlanta and led to many people spending the night away from home. Meanwhile, in Canada officials have their own word for the “polar vortex.” They call it, “January.”

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Expect Atlanta’s politicians to raise taxes to buy a fleet of snowplows that will sit idle for the next 100 years.

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Olympic organizers in Russia reportedly spent tens of billions of dollars on the construction of venues, much of which somehow ended up in the bank accounts of organized crime figures. Sort of makes the trinkets Salt Lake City organizers gave IOC members back in the day seem trivial, doesn’t it?

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Meanwhile, you can be sure that if secret illegal stuff is going on in official Russia circles, Edward Snowden will expose it to the world, right? Right?

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A “study” by BibleGateway.com has ranked Salt Lake City dead last in terms of people who read the Bible. That’s like publishing a survey that ranks New Orleans last in terms of places to find jazz music.

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    Everyone likes to laugh. Some of us even like to groan occasionally. Well, you've come to the right place. "On second thought" is a weekly feature I  produce for the Deseret News, available on Mondays. But here you can read them as I think of them.
      Oh yes, and if you've got something even funnier, post it in the comments. If I like it, I may use it.

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