A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Perhaps the Secret Service should stop recruiting new agents from college frat houses.
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One of the Secret Service agents assigned to President Obama’s recent trip to Amsterdam ended up passed out in a drunken stupor in a hotel hallway. The agent said he had no memory of what happened nor, one presumes, of whether the Secret Service still retains its secrets.
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  Last week was the 25th anniversary of the University of Utah’s announcement that its scientists had discovered cold fusion. I’d make a comment here, but it’s all pretty much just heavy water under the bridge by now.
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According to news reports, Russian President Vladimir Putin doesn’t own a cell phone. In other words, the NSA can’t force Siri to give him wrong directions to Crimea.
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Putin shuns modern technologies. We know what German Chancellor Angela Merkel ordered for lunch yesterday, but if we want to know whom Russia will invade next we’ll have to shoot down the right carrier pigeon.
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How bad is U.S. intelligence on Russia? The White House is thinking about asking Sarah Palin what she sees from her back yard.
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Time Magazine says Putin does occasionally uses an old-fashioned brick-like cell phone. If you’ve ever wondered what happens to the old phones you turn in, wonder no more.
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North Korean leader Kim Jong Un would give up his smartphone, but then he couldn’t watch March Madness any more.
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President Obama has decided to let people skip the March 31 deadline to sign up for Obamacare if they will pinky-swear they tried to sign up before the deadline. It seems only right to extend this new policy to the IRS on April 16, as well, right?
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Fox News says 6 in 10 uninsured Americans don’t even know there is a deadline to sign up for Obamacare. Whether they’re willing to lie about that to get an extension is unknown.
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  Ever wonder whether the president’s daughters use his tendency to move the goalposts on Obamacare against him when he tries to discipline?
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Speaking of goalposts, the NFL decided last week to further limit end zone celebrations by passing a rule against “dunking” the ball over an upright. If that doesn’t stop all the fun, their next step will be to end celebrations by outlawing touchdowns.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

March madness – that’s where a former superpower attacks a sovereign nation and the United States responds with tough sanctions against the Kremlin’s chief butler.

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Moscow responded to U.S. sanctions by banning visits to Russia by U.S. House Speaker John Boehner, Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid and Sen. John McCain. This was a major blow to President Obama. Two of those people are Republicans, and he had hoped to one day exile them to Russia.

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Confused Ukrainians, taking their lead from the United States, are trying to load sanctions into the guns on their meager tanks.

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Meanwhile, the good news is Russia still has not imposed travel restrictions on Dennis Rodman, so it’s not too late to send him.

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Scientists have discovered remains of an ancient chicken species that was about 5 feet tall at the hip, 11 feet long and weighed about 440 to 660 pounds. Its natural habitat was on a basketball court, as a mascot.

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The fact that this thing went extinct says something about how effective ancient cows were at holding up signs urging people to eat more “chikin.”

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A number of recent reports say the Obama administration has become hostile toward freedom of the press. The president denied this and reportedly promised to hunt down whoever was responsible for publishing it.

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The group Reporters Without Borders issued a report last week that ranked the U.S. 46th in terms of press freedom, just ahead of Haiti. Maybe the Founding Fathers should have put press freedom higher up in the Bill of Rights.

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Twitter apparently has been banned in Turkey, where the government prefers that people “gobble.”

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Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdoğan said he was going to “eradicate” Twitter. “Everyone will witness the power of the Turkish Republic," he said. At least he kept his message to less than 140 characters.

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The prime minister was attacking Twitter as part of his re-election campaign, also known as pandering to elderly voters.

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Erdogan is upset because people were using Twitter to criticize alleged corruption within his government. The Obama administration was said to be studying this tactic.

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Actually, given the enormous response to his ban, Erdogan may just have been seeking an effective way to go viral.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

When Becky Lockhart is replaced as Utah’s House speaker, I wonder if her colleagues will give her a nice parting gift, such as an iPad.

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California lawmakers are considering rules for driverless cars. Backseat driving will be allowed only if the WiFi is down.

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Those of us who have driven there may have assumed driverless cars have been in vogue in California for a long time.

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One of the issues under consideration is whether drivers should lose points on their license if they send a car out to park itself and it gets into an accident. I think Bill Gates should lose points every time this happens.

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One unusual twist — in California, smart cars will be programmed to slowly roll through stop signs.

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Cars in Utah, however, will be programmed to not signal before turning.

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The U.S. Senate reached a bipartisan agreement last week to extend jobless benefits. Isn’t it interesting how members of Congress suddenly pay more attention to what it’s like being out of work as elections approach?

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It’s been a rough week. A giant airliner went missing, including some American passengers, Russia continued to impose itself on Ukraine and a building exploded in New York City. Obviously, it was time for the president to do a comedy show.

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President Obama went on an Internet comedy show called “Between Two Ferns” and answered questions that included, “So, how does this work? You send ambassador (Dennis) Rodman to North Korea on your behalf?” This is the kind of insightful probing you’ll never get from the lamestream media.

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Obama sat with comedian Zach Galifianakis and answered these questions because the real media won’t focus on the things that are important, such as how really great Obamacare’s website is doing.

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Actually, Obama endured questions about “being the last black president” and pardoning turkeys because it was deemed the only way to get young people to sign up for health care. In other words, if he can give up a bit of his dignity, so can they.

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Abraham Lincoln would have done the same thing to rally support for emancipation, but crass, demeaning, ironic humor hadn’t been invented yet.

A lighthearted look at current events:

Now would be a good time for the NSA to tap Vladimir Putin’s cell phone. (Based on a suggestion by reader Ron Young of Bountiful.)

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President Barack Obama reacted angrily to Russia’s aggression in Ukraine, to which Russia’s leader responded, “Crimea river.”

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Russia claims it has a right to reclaim the Crimean Peninsula because it belonged to Russia for more than 200 years. Using that logic, England may soon demand the 13 colonies back.

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If that logic were to carry the day, the U.S. might see some advantages. Unfortunately, France might not be interested in taking Detroit back.

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Speaking of which, when the leaders of Detroit heard that the European Union was offering a $15 billion bailout package to Ukraine, they started looking for ways to provoke Putin.

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NASA should be happy. If the Cold War restarts, the United States may get the incentive it needs to beat the Russians back to the moon.

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It’s a good thing China wasn’t the aggressor in Ukraine. It would be hard to slap economic sanctions on the country that’s buying all our debt.

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Producers of the new movie “Noah,” want to be clear it is only loosely based on the Biblical account. That explains why “Norwegian Cruise Lines” is painted on the side of the Ark.

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Then there is the part where a weary Noah, having just cleaned the Ark, points a gun at the hippos and says, “Go ahead, make my day.”

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The City of Grand Rapids, Mich., repealed an ordinance this week that made it illegal to be annoying. Thousands of parents were expecting their children to be released from jail.

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It’s true, for 38 years it has been illegal to “willfully annoy another person” in Grand Rapids. It’s a wonder anyone was elected to run the city.

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This explains why Justin Bieber has now scheduled a concert in Grand Rapids.

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Utah lawmakers were considering a strongly worded bill to regulate how popular e-cigarettes are produced, but then appeared to be changing their minds last week, deciding this was something the feds ought to do, instead. That’s right, make Washington cough up the regulations while unsuspecting new smokers in Utah simply cough.