A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Last week Americans turned back their clocks — to 1930. That was the last time Republicans had the kind of majority in the House they won in Tuesday’s election. Of course, 1930 isn’t exactly a year Republicans like to remember.

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Could it be just a coincidence that Americans voted for a sharply divided government at the same time they voted to make marijuana legal in Washington, D.C.? Sounds like “the grand experiment” just took an interesting turn.

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It’s bad enough we have a budget deficit in Washington. Now we’ll have a munchies deficit, as well.

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Lest you think official Washington will remain sober as it tries to work through the nation’s problems, consider that President Obama’s first reaction to losing Congress was that he looked forward to sharing bourbon with the new Republican Senate president. It may not be prudent any longer to ask, “What’s the buzz in Washington?”

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I don’t think this is what computer people mean when they say everything is moving to the cloud.

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Democrats in Utah bucked the national trend and actually gained a seat in the state House, meaning they now get to move their caucus meetings out of the janitor’s closet.

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Nationally, Democrats spent election season trying to distance themselves from President Obama. Apparently, the voters said, “OK, we can help you with that.”

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A 102-year-old woman in Los Angeles voted for the first time on Tuesday. Apparently, she wanted to really study the issues and be sure before casting a vote for William Howard Taft.

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Actually, 102-year-old Guadalupe Portillo became a naturalized U.S. citizen just before casting a ballot. She said she hopes to see Congress pass immigration reform in her lifetime. Apparently, when opponents of reform say people need to “get in line” for citizenship, the line is really long.

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For you movie fans, Godzilla just turned 60. The next film in the series will feature him joining with AARP to attack forces that want to reform Social Security.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Apparently, investigators and district attorneys in Utah took advantage of a bulk rate on attorneys general at the jail last week.

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It was a bogo offer — book one, get one free.

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Utahns now can look forward to attorneys battling attorneys over the future of attorneys. If the trials take place in winter, there will be enough hot air to knock out inversions and keep everyone warm.

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Three of the 18 remaining contestants on So You Think You Can Dance are from Utah. Surprisingly, none of them is a politician.

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So you think you can dance? St. Louis pitcher Adam Wainwright apparently does. In last week’s baseball All-Star game he said he intentionally threw easy-to-hit pitches toward Yankee star Derek Jeter in the first inning. Then, when social media went ballistic, he said he had just been joking. Adam should know better. In America, sports are no joking matter.

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Politics is, however. Last week, Hillary Clinton went on The Daily Show to joke with John Stewart about possibly running for the most powerful political office in the world. If elected, however, she would have to get more serious, confining herself to promoting policy decisions on shows like, “Between Two Ferns.” 

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A major wildfire in Oregon was started on an illegal marijuana farm. Who says the stuff isn’t dangerous?

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Many people have been forced to evacuate because of the fire. Downwind, however, many others have the giggles and do nothing but eat cookies all day.

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Former President Bill Clinton should be called to Oregon to teach everyone how to survive without inhaling.

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Germany, still angry at the United States for spying, is considering using manual typewriters for top-secret communications. Don’t be surprised to learn Ed Snowden owns stock in Underwood.

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Manual typewriters? Ebay must be all atwitter. And the white out industry just upped its projected annual earnings.

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If the German government is serious about all this, I know a bunch of boy scouts who could teach them about disappearing ink and secret codes.

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A British company has created a new super vegetable by crossing kale with Brussels sprouts. The result, known as kalette, won the approval of a focus group consisting of people who like torturing children at suppertime.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

University of Illinois researchers have found that hurricanes given women’s names kill more people than those named for men. The reason is people don’t think something named Katrina or Camille sounds too scary. Of course, the names go in alphabetical order. Wait until we get to Hurricane Xena, Warrior Princess.

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Maybe the safest option is give all future hurricanes androgynous names. Sandy already started the trend. People in the Northeast will tell you they don’t come much scarier than that one.

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Better yet, the National Hurricane Center should name storms after notorious people in history. Who wouldn’t run from Hurricane Attila the Hun?

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President Obama announced new EPA regulations last week requiring states to reduce their power plant emissions. Apparently, the president wants to make sure the one thing he doesn’t get in his stocking next Christmas is a lump of coal.

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However, he might get a spent nuclear fuel rod.

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You know you have an unpopular new energy policy when you can walk around Washington and never bump into a member of your own party. That’s because they’re hiding from you. After November, they just won’t be living in Washington any more.

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The World Cup begins next week. Actually, soccer has gained a foothold (pun intended) in the United States. Here, the sport is still in that awkward stage — popular enough to draw large crowds, but not yet so popular that fans riot and kill each other.

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English teachers love soccer for its headers and footers.

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Holding the World Cup in Brazil could be interesting. If fans get tired of arguing over which team will win, they can argue over which stadiums will be finished and whether police will hold rioters at bay.

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After trading five fierce Taliban thugs for one American prisoner, President Obama has pretty much guaranteed he won’t become a baseball manager when he leaves office.

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Someone got the prisoner-exchange on video. It was touching to see the Taliban guys pinky swear that they won’t attack Americans any more.

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Director Oliver Stone said he plans to make a movie about Ed Snowden, the former NSA employee who now lives in Russia. We’ll see how happy Stone is when his script ends up on the Wikileaks website.

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Let’s see, Daniel Craig could plan Vladimir Putin, Denzel Washington could play President Obama, and Justin Bieber could play Ed Snowden — except no Russian autocrat would ever willingly give asylum to Justin Bieber.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

This is Memorial Day, the one holiday that leaves greeting card companies speechless.
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The House passed a bill last week that would keep the NSA from abusing our constitutional rights. If it passes, the spy agency no longer would be allowed to collect data on all phone calls. However, terrorists would incur a surcharge and would no longer have call-forwarding.
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The bill would require the phone companies keep records for 18 months, during which time the NSA could search them. In reality, this doesn’t change much, except that we can feel a little better because the NSA might have to watch a spinning wheel while its computers log into the phone company.
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Russia is upset at Britain’s Prince Charles for apparently comparing Russian President Vladimir Putin to Hitler. The comparison really is unfair. Putin does not have a mustache.
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A Russian foreign ministry spokesman said it is better for Britain’s royalty to be seen and not heard. Presumably, this is because British royalty has not mastered the art of manipulating the system to acquire power.
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Sandra Bullock made a surprise visit to a charter school graduation in New Orleans and gave a speech. She urged graduates not to pick their noses in public. Finally, something of real value in a commencement speech.
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However, Bullock’s comments seemed to directly contradict other commencement speakers who told graduates to keep their noses clean.
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A woman in Portland, Ore., called police because she thought a pirate was attacking her car. Turns out it was just a man on LSD who was dressed in armor. According to gawker.com, the man said he was a “high-elf engaged in battle with the evil Morgoth.” Later, he said, “I wasn’t in my right mind. I was still rocking my new pair of elf ears.” Well … I’m guessing we’ve all had that feeling.
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The Salt Lake Bees encountered an awkward situation when the team they were playing began a fistfight amongst themselves in the visiting dugout. Baseball’s unwritten rules are unclear about this, but I believe a Bees’ pitcher should now be required to bean one of his own teammates in retaliation.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Americans are being mesmerized by a giant monster capable of stomping cities into dust and that is impervious to weapons. But enough about the Miami Heat.

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No, if Godzilla were in the NBA, he would fit best as a Raptor.

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No question, Godzilla has become a timeless classic. I wouldn’t be surprised to see NBC doing it soon as a live studio production, although Carrie Underwood probably doesn’t look good in a reptile suit.

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NBC announced that “The Sound of Music” was such a hit it plans to do more live productions in prime time, including “The Music Man.” It’s about time network execs starting using the “think method” for programming.

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Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg turned 30 last week. That means he’s officially too old to be hired by a high-tech startup.

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Seriously, the world owes Zuckerberg a lot of thanks. Without him, hardly anyone would have known about the cat that chased off the dog attacking a little boy.

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Without Zuckerberg, we could still like people and have it really mean something. “You’ve got a friend,” still would bring comfort. But on the other hand, we wouldn’t know what our old high school friends were eating for breakfast.

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Zuckerberg is worth $26.6 billion. Maybe now he can spring for a suit and tie.

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Mitt Romney says he thinks it’s time to raise the minimum wage. In reality, he’s just trying to improve his situation with his new night job at the convenience store.

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Romney insists he’s not running for president in 2016. That’s a relief to the nameless, faceless person who currently is the Republican front-runner.

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Scientists now say eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine isn’t good for you, after all. They say the best way to a healthy life is to do something that works up a sweat. For many people, just going without chocolate for a while will do that.

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A new study says 1 in 10 Americans no longer carry cash. If this trend continues, panhandlers will have to begin accepting credit cards.

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A tough new law aimed at ending distracted driving took effect in Utah last week. When I read about it I almost drove off the road.

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Some day, smart cars may be pulled over for trying to multi-task.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

President Obama held a celebratory event this week and announced that the Affordable Care Act, or Obamacare, is “here to stay.” He should have done something more dramatic, such as land on an aircraft carrier under a banner reading, “Mission accomplished.”
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If the president thinks the sniper fire is over on health care reform, he may be underestimating the insurgent forces in Washington.
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It says something about the power of the federal government when it can force the 48.6 million people who are uninsured to sign up for health insurance under threat of a fine, get only 7.1 million people to sign up and then declare the whole thing a success.
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The U.S. Supreme Court last week expanded the number of politicians any one person can buy. The tough part is finding a place to store them when they’re not being used.
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The Associated Press says the White House recently conducted a covert Twitter operation in Cuba, designed to stir political unrest in 140 characters or less.
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Just imagine if social media had existed throughout history. John F. Kennedy could have called off the invasion of Cuba because the Internet was down.
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FDR might have said, “The only thing we have to fear is someone hacking our accounts.”
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Winston Churchill might not have been as inspiring if he said, “We shall tweet in France, we shall tweet on the seas and oceans, we shall tweet with growing confidence and growing strength in the air …”
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Baseball season started last week, and this year the major leagues have instituted replay reviews by umpires. Apparently, people were complaining the games weren’t slow enough.
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From now on, when people refer to a doubleheader between the Yankees and Red Sox, they will mean one game that lasts two days.

Jay Evensen is the senior editorial columnist at the Deseret News. Email him at even@desnews.com. For more content, visit his web site, jayevensen.com.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Perhaps the Secret Service should stop recruiting new agents from college frat houses.
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One of the Secret Service agents assigned to President Obama’s recent trip to Amsterdam ended up passed out in a drunken stupor in a hotel hallway. The agent said he had no memory of what happened nor, one presumes, of whether the Secret Service still retains its secrets.
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  Last week was the 25th anniversary of the University of Utah’s announcement that its scientists had discovered cold fusion. I’d make a comment here, but it’s all pretty much just heavy water under the bridge by now.
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According to news reports, Russian President Vladimir Putin doesn’t own a cell phone. In other words, the NSA can’t force Siri to give him wrong directions to Crimea.
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Putin shuns modern technologies. We know what German Chancellor Angela Merkel ordered for lunch yesterday, but if we want to know whom Russia will invade next we’ll have to shoot down the right carrier pigeon.
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How bad is U.S. intelligence on Russia? The White House is thinking about asking Sarah Palin what she sees from her back yard.
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Time Magazine says Putin does occasionally uses an old-fashioned brick-like cell phone. If you’ve ever wondered what happens to the old phones you turn in, wonder no more.
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North Korean leader Kim Jong Un would give up his smartphone, but then he couldn’t watch March Madness any more.
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President Obama has decided to let people skip the March 31 deadline to sign up for Obamacare if they will pinky-swear they tried to sign up before the deadline. It seems only right to extend this new policy to the IRS on April 16, as well, right?
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Fox News says 6 in 10 uninsured Americans don’t even know there is a deadline to sign up for Obamacare. Whether they’re willing to lie about that to get an extension is unknown.
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  Ever wonder whether the president’s daughters use his tendency to move the goalposts on Obamacare against him when he tries to discipline?
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Speaking of goalposts, the NFL decided last week to further limit end zone celebrations by passing a rule against “dunking” the ball over an upright. If that doesn’t stop all the fun, their next step will be to end celebrations by outlawing touchdowns.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

March madness – that’s where a former superpower attacks a sovereign nation and the United States responds with tough sanctions against the Kremlin’s chief butler.

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Moscow responded to U.S. sanctions by banning visits to Russia by U.S. House Speaker John Boehner, Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid and Sen. John McCain. This was a major blow to President Obama. Two of those people are Republicans, and he had hoped to one day exile them to Russia.

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Confused Ukrainians, taking their lead from the United States, are trying to load sanctions into the guns on their meager tanks.

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Meanwhile, the good news is Russia still has not imposed travel restrictions on Dennis Rodman, so it’s not too late to send him.

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Scientists have discovered remains of an ancient chicken species that was about 5 feet tall at the hip, 11 feet long and weighed about 440 to 660 pounds. Its natural habitat was on a basketball court, as a mascot.

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The fact that this thing went extinct says something about how effective ancient cows were at holding up signs urging people to eat more “chikin.”

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A number of recent reports say the Obama administration has become hostile toward freedom of the press. The president denied this and reportedly promised to hunt down whoever was responsible for publishing it.

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The group Reporters Without Borders issued a report last week that ranked the U.S. 46th in terms of press freedom, just ahead of Haiti. Maybe the Founding Fathers should have put press freedom higher up in the Bill of Rights.

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Twitter apparently has been banned in Turkey, where the government prefers that people “gobble.”

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Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdoğan said he was going to “eradicate” Twitter. “Everyone will witness the power of the Turkish Republic," he said. At least he kept his message to less than 140 characters.

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The prime minister was attacking Twitter as part of his re-election campaign, also known as pandering to elderly voters.

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Erdogan is upset because people were using Twitter to criticize alleged corruption within his government. The Obama administration was said to be studying this tactic.

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Actually, given the enormous response to his ban, Erdogan may just have been seeking an effective way to go viral.

A lighthearted look at current events:

Facebook paid $19 billion last week for a startup company that employs 55 people and creates an app that essentially duplicates instant messaging. It’s called WhatsApp, which sounds very much like the question people on Wall Street were asking afterward.

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WhatsApp allows users to sign on for free for one year, then charges 99 cents a year after that, and it uses no advertising. No one seems to know if has made any money. With business decisions like this, Mark Zuckerberg may soon find himself in charge of Obamacare.

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Meanwhile, New York City agreed to pay $6.4 million to a man who spent 23 years in prison for a murder he didn’t commit. He should appeal to Mark Zuckerberg. After all, just like WhatsApp, he hasn’t done anything, either.

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An initiative process is underway in California to divide the state into six new states. Smart idea. Having six bankrupt states would attract more federal bailout money.

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Organizers might have a better shot at just taking certain parts of the state and petitioning to have them recognized as separate planets.

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The Hubble telescope reported last week that it had discovered what was thought to be the oldest thing ever seen. But then scientists realized they had accidentally pointed the thing at earth and were looking at Keith Richards.

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Or it might have been pointed at Joe Newman, the 101-year-old man in Florida who has announced he is running for Congress in the state’s 16th district. He is not running as a Republican or Democrat. Word has it he was disappointed to learn the Whig Party was no longer around.

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Newman assured voters he isn’t interested in a lengthy political career. He just needs some extra money to take care of his aging parents.

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Utah credit unions have launched a new program allowing people to register to vote at any credit union, even if they’re not members. And the best part? You don’t even have to know the first thing about politics, the issues or any of the candidates.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

You remember the bridge to nowhere? New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie may have just driven the bridge to oblivion.

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Gov. Christie is proof that people may be apathetic about politics until you start messing with commuter traffic. Even Mussolini knew enough to keep the trains running on time.

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Christie’s staff apparently orchestrated needless lane closures on the New Jersey side of the George Washington Bridge as political payback for a mayor who refused to endorse Christie’s re-election. Actually, this sounds pretty tame by New Jersey standards. Nobody actually ended up in the water, if you know what I mean.

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This is what’s known as trafficking, New Jersey style.

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This does, however, make it harder for Christie to convince voters he wants to end gridlock in Washington, seeing as how his staff caused it in New Jersey.

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Just imagine if Christie were to become president. He could order the Army to attack Harry Reid’s home state of Nevada. That’s one way to end a filibuster.

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Won’t pass his budget recommendations? We’ll see how Congress feels when all the airports shut down.

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Christie may not end up in the White House, but his claims that he didn’t know what his administration was doing sound pretty presidential right now.

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For his birthday way back when, JFK was serenaded by Marilyn Monroe. For his birthday last week, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un was serenaded by Dennis Rodman. Yeah, that sounds about right.

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Before playing an exhibition game involving former NBA players and the North Korean national team, Rodman engaged in a profanity-laced tirade against a CNN interviewer. Later he apologized, saying, among other things, he had been drinking. Apparently, he stayed sober enough in North Korea to realize his team had better lose the game.

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You can’t really blame Rodman for liking Kim. He may be a murderous dictator presiding over widespread poverty and death camps, but Kim is just about the only person on the planet these days who wants to put Rodman back in the news.

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Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates’ new book should have been titled, “Why no future president will ever again appoint a cabinet member from the opposite party.”

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Gates’ new book says Vice President Joe Biden has been wrong on virtually every issue over the last four decades. This is news?