Jay Evensen
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On Second Thought for July 18, 2016

7/18/2016

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​A lighthearted look at news of the day 
 
This is the week of the Republican National Convention, when delegates are expected to meet, adopt a platform, then tear it up and nominate Donald Trump anyway.
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The list of speakers at the Republican Convention is expected to be dull. That’s too bad. If ever there was an appropriate time for Clint Eastwood to wander around talking to an empty chair, this is it.
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Of course, that could be dangerous. Delegates might jump ship and draft the chair as the party’s nominee.
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Rumor has it Nintendo’s next big smart phone game will involve walking around town trying to capture all of Donald Trump’s political positions on each issue.
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On the second level, players get to search a virtual world for Hillary’s emails.
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Just when you thought it couldn’t get stranger, last week Hillary Clinton received two important endorsements. One was from Bernie Sanders. The other was from Donald Trump.
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A recorded segment of the radio feature “Trumped!” has emerged, in which Trump in 2008 says Hillary would make a good president. Trump has said he had to say those things as a businessman currying the favor of politicians. Nowadays he can be more honest, because everyone knows a politician wouldn’t lie.
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As for the Democrats, Bernie Sanders not long ago said Hillary Clinton isn’t fit to be president, but last week he gave her a full-throated endorsement. “Hillary Clinton will make an outstanding president,” he said.
 
If you’re keeping score at home … you’re nuttier than the candidates.
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Several Republican senators are making up excuses for not attending the convention this week. “I’ve got to mow my lawn,” said Jeff Flake, R-Ariz. Nebraska Sen. Ben Sasse said he had to take his children to look at dumpster fires. I’m waiting for John McCain to say he has to get his hair done and Mitt Romney to say he’s too busy catching Pokemon.
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Here in Utah, the director of the Salt Lake City Mosquito Abatement District said the site lawmakers picked for a new state prison is “mosquito heaven,” the most infested place in the state. Maybe it’s all part of a plan for controlling inmates. If you spend all day slapping yourself silly, you won’t have time to cause trouble.
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So far, the list of problems at the new prison site includes a high water table that makes the soil soggy, frequent dust storms and swarms of mosquitoes. All we need is a plague of frogs before some inmate demands the state “let my people go.”
 
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On Second Thought for July 11, 2016

7/8/2016

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​A lighthearted look at news of the day 
 
The presidential campaigns took an unusual turn last week. Hillary Clinton seems to have changed her slogan to, “Not a criminal, just extremely careless.” Donald Trump has a new slogan, too: “Ready to kill terrorists just like that great guy Saddam Hussein.”
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An FBI report on Clinton said 110 classified emails passed through her server, which was slightly above the zero she had previously identified. This, however, isn’t necessarily fatal to her presidential campaign. She may be elected. She just won’t be told any state secrets.
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The report referred to Hillary’s use of a private email server as “extremely careless.” It was so bad her husband reportedly said, “Hey, even I didn’t do anything that crazy.”
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Trump said Iraq has become a Harvard for terrorists. You didn’t know it was that difficult to get into Iraq, did you?
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Trump praised Saddam Hussein for being “so good” at killing terrorist. Yes, but was he powerful enough to keep all Republican delegates bound on the first nomination ballot?
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In the interest of time, House Speaker Paul Ryan may want to hire a full-time aide whose job it is to announce daily that he disagrees with something Trump said, thinks he is outrageous, but that no, Ryan hasn’t changed his mind about endorsing the Republican frontrunner.
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NASA’s unmanned Juno spacecraft has reached the planet Jupiter. That’s a planet believed to consist mostly of gas, making it somewhat indistinguishable from the upcoming Democratic and Republican political conventions.
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Jupiter is the planet no one wants to sit next to in a movie theater.
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Jupiter has 67 moons. That’s why watches with moon phases are so expensive there.
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Sixty-seven moons, and no, they’re not inhabitable, just in case you’re planning for life after the election.
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According to a new survey by Public Policy Polling, 13 percent of Americans would rather have a giant meteor crash into earth, wiping out all life, than see either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump elected this fall. Another 7 percent remained undecided. Not surprisingly, the mythical meteor now has a Twitter account and is seeking endorsements.
 
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    Everyone likes to laugh. Some of us even like to groan occasionally. Well, you've come to the right place. "On second thought" is a weekly feature I  produce for the Deseret News, available on Mondays. But here you can read them as I think of them.
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