• Apple unveiled its new iPhone5 last week. Consumers were excited about the new feature that will allow users to actually make telephone calls.

• The new phone has a larger screen than earlier models, allowing the nation’s aging population to actually see some of what they're doing.

• Apple, which now is wealthier than many countries, announced it will be taxing people to fund future developments.

• Teachers in Chicago walked off the job last week, saying they were only interested in the kids they teach. The city, meanwhile, refused to budge on its demands, saying it only had the interest of kids in mind. The kids, meanwhile, wish people wouldn’t care so much about them.

• In an effort to jump-start the economy, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke announced he would connect a fire hose from a dollar bill printing press directly to banks.
• In making the announcement, Bernanke said he wants to make housing more affordable. Of course, prices and interest rates would have to drop considerably to make a house affordable to someone without a job.
•  With interest rates falling, it's not only easier to buy a house, it's easier to get a second or third mortgage. Where have I heard this before?
• Four years ago, the presidential race accidentally gave us Joe the Plumber, who ended up running for Congress based on a question he asked at a rally. America, meet Scott, the bear-hugging pizza guy.
• Scott Van Duzer lifted the president off the ground with a bear hug during the chief executive's visit to a Big Apple Pizza in Florida. Now he says he might like to campaign. Joe the Plumber just asked a question. Think how far someone might go based on having actually manhandled the president.
• What exactly do we pay the Secret Service for, anyway? To guard the pepperoni? 
• Meanwhile, Joe the Plumber made news last month by saying he would start shooting Mexicans at the border. Maybe this method of discovering new political talent doesn't work so well.

Some names were conspicuously absent at the Democratic National Convention, such as Simpson, Bowles, Standard and Poor’s.
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That’s not quite true. Vice President Joe Biden mentioned Simpson and Bowles, then blamed Republicans for not embracing their commission report. He was speaking through a remote camera in Bizarro Land.
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Isn’t it amazing how both Michelle Obama and Ann Romney lived in primitive log cabins with their husbands when they were first married?
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Democrats made it clear that they support gay marriage, which they call “marrying whoever you love” and abortion, which they call “controlling your own body,” and that they oppose the $16 trillion national debt, which they have decided not to call anything at all.
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On Wednesday, former President Clinton gave a rousing speech that had the crowd chanting, “Four more years!” The only trouble is, the Constitution won’t allow Clinton to serve four more years.
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The threat of rain forced President Obama to take his speech indoors. That’s too bad. Organizers had hoped that, with him speaking in a football stadium, channel-surfing viewers might have thought they had stumbled onto halftime of an NFL game.
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Shortly after the convention, the Obama administration found a new strategy for lowering the unemployment rate. Just get unemployed people to stop looking for work.
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A new jobs report found the unemployment rate dropped because more people gave up looking. That led the Federal Reserve Board to conclude that, because its previous attempts to stimulate the economy have failed, it may be time to stimulate the economy.
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Apparently, it’s peak season in Bizarro Land.
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Meanwhile, an arbitration panel decided that, with incompetent replacement referees roaming the field, it might be interesting to reinstate the players accused of trying to hurt opposing players for cash rewards, then see what happens.
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I won’t say football players are becoming more political, but after a recent devastating hit, a linebacker was heard asking the quarterback, “Are you better off than you were four seconds ago?”