A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Senate Democrats released a report this week on the CIA’s torture of terrorist suspects during the Bush administration. The Senate can be so one-sided, condemning one form of torture while completely ignoring all the Americans who had to sit through months of political ads this year.

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Former Vice President Dick Cheney defended the CIA’s interrogation techniques, saying they wouldn’t have gotten any information out of terrorists by coddling them. But then Cheney, who shot a hunting buddy while in office, may not be an authority on coddling.

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President Obama responded to the torture report by saying it shows Americans are open and transparent enough to “face our imperfections, make changes, and do better.” Ironically, those were the exact words voters used as they explained electing Republicans in November.

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Time Magazine has named Ebola health workers as its people of the year. The winners thanked the magazine, but said they still can’t get invited to any parties.

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It isn’t often Time officials have to deliver the annual award wearing hazmat suits.

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Ironically, the magazine’s decision to honor Ebola fighters immediately went viral.

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Give Utah’s Prison Relocation Commission credit. No other group could so quickly and efficiently identify places in the state that definitely do not want to be home to a prison.

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The Prison Relocation Commission identified six possible sites for moving the current prison site in Draper. People near all six sites immediately reacted with T-shirts and protest signs. I think we’ve finally found an antidote for voter apathy.

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Prince William and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, were in the United States last week. They attended a Cleveland Cavaliers game because someone suggested they seek an audience with King James.

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The NBA game wasn’t completely out of character for a royal couple. After all, their tickets came with free hotdogs and a king-sized popcorn.

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Salt Lake police have succeeded in recovering a gun that was stolen from a pickup truck in 1977. They also found the disco craze, which hasn’t been seen since about that time, either. Unfortunately, no one wanted to claim it.

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Babycenter.com has released its list of the most popular baby names for the year. It seems traditional Christmas names, such as Mary and Joseph, are disappearing. My guess is they’re being replaced by more modern holiday names, such as Gimme and Iwantit.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

President Obama wants you to know he’s not an emperor, and he’ll order the imprisonment of anyone who disagrees.

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Texas Sen. Ted Cruz compared Obama’s executive order on immigration last week to the second Catilinarian conspiracy against ancient Rome by Lucius Sergius Catilina. Yes, this is exactly what most American voters are thinking, too.

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Oh that Ted Cruz! He’ll do anything to pander to the history Ph.D. vote.

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Obama’s action will keep up to 5 million undocumented immigrants from being deported. However, he did nothing to prevent Californians from deporting the 1-10 Oakland Raiders.

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After making the politically risky announcement, the president headed to Las Vegas, where he reportedly put the national debt on 25 red, just because he was feeling lucky.

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Senate Democrats, meanwhile, decided last week to reject the Keystone Pipeline, pretty much ensuring that the only thing to go down a pipe will be the political career of fellow Democratic Sen. Mary Landrieu of Louisiana.

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Sen. Landrieu, locked in a runoff election against a popular Republican in an oil-rich state, may want to become a Raiders fan. That team may lose, but at least its players still try to block for each other.

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Melissa Burton of California didn’t like her daughter’s boyfriend a few years ago. “He just wasn’t someone our family approved of,” she said. Like any good parent, she probably thought it couldn’t get worse, until her daughter announced her engagement to Charles Manson.

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Manson, the 80-year-old notorious mass-murderer with a swastika carved into his forehead, had little to say about the upcoming wedding. It goes without saying he’s captivated.

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A man in Southern California stabbed his potential employer during a job interview last week. At least now he has an answer for what his biggest weakness is.

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To be fair, the suspect apparently didn’t think he would get the job, but word has it people in the office told him to take a stab at it.

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You know what’s really stupid? Relying on the “stupidity of the American voter” to get Obamacare passed and then telling American voters about it.

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A legislative committee supports bringing back the firing squad as a method for executing prisoners in Utah, apparently believing the state hasn’t had enough people make fun of it lately.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

We’ve got this all wrong. We should be letting people who have been in West Africa roam free and quarantine the politicians.

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Kaci Hickox, a nurse who had been to West Africa, defied authorities in Maine last week and went for a bike ride, all the while being followed by media and health officials who wanted to be the first to be infected should she exhibit symptoms of Ebola.

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You can’t blame Hickox. Nothing is more relaxing than a bike ride through rural Maine with a police car and a contingent of reporters.

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Maine officials are seeking a court order to have Hickox quarantined. She hired a civil rights attorney to fight for the right to roam freely. Unfortunately, the Ebola virus doesn’t have the patience to wait for this to wind its way through the court system.

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The White House says someone hacked into the administration’s computers. No one knows for sure who did it, but officials might want to be on the lookout for a shirtless Russian leader trying to make purchases on a credit card with Barack Obama’s name on it.

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The president knew something was up when he noticed a new high score on his World of Warcraft game.

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Speaking of computers, Microsoft founder Bill Gates has announced he will turn his attention to fighting Ebola in Africa. In response, West Africa just came out with Ebola 2.0.

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Democrats are busy drawing attention to how the nation’s unemployment rate is dropping. It’s probably not a good sign for them that they seem so suddenly obsessed with unemployment.

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I wouldn’t say the president is pessimistic about Tuesday, but rumor has it the White House has been ordering extra heavy-duty veto pens off Amazon.

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If they win, Republicans plan to keep sending repeals of Obamacare to his desk in hopes that one day, by accident, he’ll sign on the wrong line.

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Meanwhile, Capitol police are getting ready to restripe the roads around Washington so they allow right turns only.

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Cosmopolitan magazine has a unique way of encouraging young ladies at North Carolina State University to vote Tuesday. The school won a contest, so the magazine will take young ladies to the polls on busses loaded with snacks, prizes and shirtless male models. In the true spirit of democracy, they ought to switch the models with men chosen at random from the nearest Walmart.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

The NFL announced this week that one of its players, a little known special teams member in Jacksonville, has not been accused of committing a crime.

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Minnesota Vikings officials last week announced they had made a mistake by saying star running back Adrian Peterson would play in the team’s next game. It’s understandable. Coaches thought they heard he fell on a knee, not that he was charged with a felony.

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The Vikings were all set to play Peterson again, until Budweiser’s Mayor of Whatever, USA, decided it was a bad idea.

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The NFL has to get this right. It has an enormous influence on society. For example, if the latest sanctions don’t keep Vladimir Putin out of Ukraine, President Obama is thinking about suspending him for two games.

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Apple recently decided to give all half-a-billion iTunes subscribers a free album by the group U2. This created a lot of confusion, as well as confusing sentences, such as, “I just got a free album from some group, you too?”

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Apple’s music giveaway made a lot of people unhappy. That makes sense, because most of us have been warned about geeks bearing gifts.

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 Utah lawmakers are thinking about requiring all students to pass a citizenship test before graduating from high school. But the test is meaningless, because those who fail would not have their citizenship revoked, while the students who are illegal aliens could pass it and still not become citizens.

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If lawmakers had any guts, they would require every elected legislator to pass the test before being allowed to assume office.

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Some of the questions are difficult, such as, “Who becomes president if both the president and vice president die?” (Hint: It’s not Alexander Haig.) (Second hint: It’s not anyone on Saturday Night Live, either.)

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Another question: What is the bill of rights? A better question is how much is it and who has to pay?

By Jay Evensen

Deseret News

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

President Obama has a new foreign policy motto: Speak softly and carry a golf club.

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The president took a lot of criticism for issuing a strong statement in response to the beheading of an American by a terrorist group, then hurrying back to the golf course. It put a whole new twist on the idea of coming in below par.

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If this is Obama’s new foreign policy motto, however, it isn’t clear which club the president might use, although he does seem to be puttering around in the Middle East lately.

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Actually, Iraq and Syria are starting to look like one large sand trap.

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Note to incoming college freshman: If your school offers a major in transit authority administration, you may want to sign up. A newly released audit of the Utah Transit Authority found that its general manager makes $402,187 per year. And that doesn’t even include his free transit pass.

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Perhaps something is wrong with your transit agency when pro athletes begin to aspire to work there some day so they can make real money.

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Trying to cash in on the enormously successful ice-bucket challenge to raise money for the disease ALS, people in Gaza have started dumping buckets of rubble on their heads to raise support for Palestinian statehood. It’s a guy thing.

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The rubble challenge might catch on as a way for losing football teams to honor their coach at the end of a game.

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I recently riled a lot of pot smokers by writing a column that attacked the legalization of the drug in Washington and Colorado. The nice thing about making Marijuana smokers angry is that an hour later they have forgotten all about it.

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President Obama considered Warren Buffett an ally during the 2012 election when the billionaire agreed with him on the need to tax the wealthy more. Now I’m guessing he wouldn’t even buy him a french fry at Burger King.

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Buffett is behind a deal by Burger King to buy Canada’s doughnut chain Tim Horton, allowing the hamburger chain to move its headquarters to Canada and pay less in corporate taxes. Buffett apparently just wanted a hamburger, but he became intrigued when he saw the slogan, “Have it your way.”

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Frankly, I feel a lot safer with that creepy guy in a king’s mask living across the border.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Is it just a coincidence that children are streaming across the border and Congress has decided to go on recess?

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100 years ago last week, World War I began. By the end, the Ottoman Empire had been destroyed, which gave rise to modern Turkey, where the deputy prime minister last week gave a speech calling on women to stop laughing in public. As they say, once war begins, no one can predict the consequences.

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No offense to the deputy prime minister, but any man who has to tell women to stop laughing probably has more problems than just trying to win an election.

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Turkey’s deputy prime minister also said it was time for women to do less talking ontheir cell phones in public. He’s in the wrong job. He should be the secretary of paranoia.

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Of course, if the Ottomans had spent less time talking about trivial things ontheir cell phones, they might still have their empire intact.

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CIA Director John Brennan apologized to members of the Senate intelligencecommittee last week after it was learned that spies had secretly accessed their computers. He also said he was sorry for messing up some of their World of Warcraft scores.

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It sounds like Ed Snowden was right. The United States really is obsessed withspying on its own people. Which makes you wonder why we can’t seem to spy on Ed Snowden.

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Seriously, what could be so important on a Senate member’s computer? Here’s a typical journal entry: “July 20 – Almost agreed to pass an important bill today, then remembered I hate the other party.”

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Actually, Congress isn’t as gridlocked as one might think. Just last week, the House agreed to sue the president.

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The lawsuit contends the president is misusing his power by changing laws without the consent of Congress. With any luck, this will wind its way through the legal system in time for the 2024 election.

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Researchers in Wales have found that people spread fewer germs through fist bumps than by shaking hands the conventional way. Makes sense. How many boxers do you seewith the common cold?

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The problem with fist bumps is they have to be timed right and given the correct velocity. Most people would prefer a common cold to broken knuckles.

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Also, fist bumps can be misinterpreted. Imagine if Jimmy Carter had tried to fistbump Anwar Sadaat and Menachem Begin after the Camp David accord in 1978. We might still be seeing violence in the Middle East.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Vladimir Putin insists he has pulled Russian troops away from the border with Ukraine. All that remains, apparently, are realistic cardboard cutouts of thousands of Russian troops.

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Putin also told Russian separatists in eastern Ukraine to stop their efforts to hold a referendum on secession, after which they vowed to proceed, anyway. Perhaps last week was “opposite week” in Russia.

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President Obama is ready to set emission limits on power plants in response to global warming. In Washington, this is known as, “Democratic carbon footprint reduction.” With the new rules sure to cost energy jobs in key election states, Democrats may not have to send many people on polluting airplanes to Washington in January.

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Meanwhile, the administration issued a new Global Warming report that, judging by the reaction in Washington, blames the planet’s imminent destruction on politics.

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The last thing a politician wants to ask at a town hall meeting these days? “Is it warm in here, or is it just me?”

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Toronto Mayor Rob Ford apparently has a new re-election slogan: “Don’t worry, I’ll be out of drug rehab by November.”

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“I am working out every day and I am learning about myself, my past and things like that,” Ford told the Sun. In other words, he has a lot in common with voters.

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Late night talk show hosts, meanwhile, already are cutting their budgets, just in case Ford’s rehabilitation works.

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Last week the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the practice of holding prayers before the start of local government meetings, which is a big deal for the three people in each city who regularly attend such things.

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Some people worry governments will establish an official religion by allowing prayers. Given the state of apathy that exists about most government meetings and local elections these days, it’s a wonder some governments can establish an official government.

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Etihad Airways, a carrier in the Middle East, plans to offer limited onboard suites complete with butlers. If that ever caught on in this country, you could just imagine the jostling that would go on among passengers holding “A” boarding passes.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

A House committee held hearings last week that uncovered an email indicating the government wanted the Benghazi protests to be cast as a response to an Internet video, not a failure in U.S. policy. The administration quickly responded by saying the email wasn’t about the raid that killed U.S. Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens. It was about a guy named Ben Ghazi.
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An Air Force brigadier general said the U.S. knew immediately the attack was a terrorist operation that had nothing to do with any video. The White House responded by saying it was sorry to learn the brigadier general was part of the vast right-wing conspiracy.
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For much of NBA history, being banned from attending L.A. Clippers games would have been considered an act of mercy.
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Clippers owner Donald Sterling has been banned from the game after a secret recording of him making racially derogatory remarks was made public. Meanwhile, the NSA is investigating how they missed this.
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The NSA may want to hire TMZ.com as its PR firm. Everyone seems to love the privacy invasions that come from that web site.
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This is the type of scandal you never hear about in ice hockey, not because they have no bigots, but because they have no black people.
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Donald Sterling apparently offered to eat crow, but then it was revealed that the crow was prepared by Paula Deen.
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President Obama said last week that he absolutely would save Vladimir Putin if he were drowning. Given Obama’s recent job approval ratings, it may be best to ask the question of Putin saving Obama, instead.
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Obama said he likes to think he would save anyone who was drowning. However, if it were Putin, he’d probably throw some sanctions at him, first.
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Meanwhile, the leaders of Ukraine are saying, “Hey Obama, over here! What about saving us?”
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Congress has once again refused to raise the nation’s minimum wage. Here’s a compromise idea: Keep the wage where it is, but have employers pay it in pesos. The workers wouldn’t get any more, but 95 pesos sounds like so much more than $7.25.
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Democrats are trying to make Republican opposition to an increase in the minimum wage an election issue, to which most Americans say, “We’re having another election?”

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Researchers at Northwestern have found that even casual use of marijuana leads to brain abnormalities. They would have discovered more, but their subjects forgot what the studies were about and researchers were having trouble keeping the vending machines stocked.
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This is good news. Those states that have legalized marijuana could repeal their laws and pot smokers would never know the difference.
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Last week, a rare lunar eclipse led to what is known as a blood moon. It’s unfortunate someone always has to schedule these things in the middle of the night on a weekday.
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Word has it that when President Obama saw the red moon, he immediately suspected Vladimir Putin of a lunar invasion.
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Here’s irony for you: Now that she’s unemployed, former Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius will have to try to logon to healthcare.gov to get insurance.
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Luckily, Obamacare makes sure you’re covered when the door slams into your backside on the way out.
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Russian President Vladimir Putin hosted a national call-in show last week. One of the callers was American fugitive Edward Snowden, wanted here for revealing secrets related to public surveillance. He asked Putin whether Russia spies on its people. Putin said no. Well, that settles it, then.
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So … Barack Obama has to suffer through leak after leak about secret NSA strategy designed to ferret out terrorists, but Vladimir Putin merely has to answer a softball question about whether he spies on people? I guess that’s the price Snowden has to pay for living in a “gated community” in Russia.
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Putin’s just a nice, cuddly guy who wouldn’t think of spying on his own people because, as he said, “We do not have the money.” Well of course, it’s hard to make ends meet when you’re busy invading neighboring countries.
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Another caller asked Putin whether he had plans to invade Alaska next. No, he said, it’s too cold there. He prefers the tropical clime of Kiev.
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Whatever happened to that nice Russian leader who used to dance drunk with rock bands? Oh wait, that’s the mayor of Toronto.
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Speaking of Rob Ford, he kicked off his re-election bid last week. The Toronto Sun said a “staggering” turnout was expected for his announcement. And that’s just a description of Ford’s own entrance.

Jay Evensen is the Deseret News senior editorial columnist.
Email: [email protected]
Twitter: @jayevensen

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Perhaps the Secret Service should stop recruiting new agents from college frat houses.
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One of the Secret Service agents assigned to President Obama’s recent trip to Amsterdam ended up passed out in a drunken stupor in a hotel hallway. The agent said he had no memory of what happened nor, one presumes, of whether the Secret Service still retains its secrets.
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  Last week was the 25th anniversary of the University of Utah’s announcement that its scientists had discovered cold fusion. I’d make a comment here, but it’s all pretty much just heavy water under the bridge by now.
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According to news reports, Russian President Vladimir Putin doesn’t own a cell phone. In other words, the NSA can’t force Siri to give him wrong directions to Crimea.
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Putin shuns modern technologies. We know what German Chancellor Angela Merkel ordered for lunch yesterday, but if we want to know whom Russia will invade next we’ll have to shoot down the right carrier pigeon.
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How bad is U.S. intelligence on Russia? The White House is thinking about asking Sarah Palin what she sees from her back yard.
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Time Magazine says Putin does occasionally uses an old-fashioned brick-like cell phone. If you’ve ever wondered what happens to the old phones you turn in, wonder no more.
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North Korean leader Kim Jong Un would give up his smartphone, but then he couldn’t watch March Madness any more.
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President Obama has decided to let people skip the March 31 deadline to sign up for Obamacare if they will pinky-swear they tried to sign up before the deadline. It seems only right to extend this new policy to the IRS on April 16, as well, right?
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Fox News says 6 in 10 uninsured Americans don’t even know there is a deadline to sign up for Obamacare. Whether they’re willing to lie about that to get an extension is unknown.
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  Ever wonder whether the president’s daughters use his tendency to move the goalposts on Obamacare against him when he tries to discipline?
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Speaking of goalposts, the NFL decided last week to further limit end zone celebrations by passing a rule against “dunking” the ball over an upright. If that doesn’t stop all the fun, their next step will be to end celebrations by outlawing touchdowns.