A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Perhaps the Secret Service should stop recruiting new agents from college frat houses.
---
One of the Secret Service agents assigned to President Obama’s recent trip to Amsterdam ended up passed out in a drunken stupor in a hotel hallway. The agent said he had no memory of what happened nor, one presumes, of whether the Secret Service still retains its secrets.
---
  Last week was the 25th anniversary of the University of Utah’s announcement that its scientists had discovered cold fusion. I’d make a comment here, but it’s all pretty much just heavy water under the bridge by now.
---
According to news reports, Russian President Vladimir Putin doesn’t own a cell phone. In other words, the NSA can’t force Siri to give him wrong directions to Crimea.
---
Putin shuns modern technologies. We know what German Chancellor Angela Merkel ordered for lunch yesterday, but if we want to know whom Russia will invade next we’ll have to shoot down the right carrier pigeon.
---
How bad is U.S. intelligence on Russia? The White House is thinking about asking Sarah Palin what she sees from her back yard.
---
Time Magazine says Putin does occasionally uses an old-fashioned brick-like cell phone. If you’ve ever wondered what happens to the old phones you turn in, wonder no more.
---
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un would give up his smartphone, but then he couldn’t watch March Madness any more.
---
President Obama has decided to let people skip the March 31 deadline to sign up for Obamacare if they will pinky-swear they tried to sign up before the deadline. It seems only right to extend this new policy to the IRS on April 16, as well, right?
---
Fox News says 6 in 10 uninsured Americans don’t even know there is a deadline to sign up for Obamacare. Whether they’re willing to lie about that to get an extension is unknown.
---
  Ever wonder whether the president’s daughters use his tendency to move the goalposts on Obamacare against him when he tries to discipline?
---
Speaking of goalposts, the NFL decided last week to further limit end zone celebrations by passing a rule against “dunking” the ball over an upright. If that doesn’t stop all the fun, their next step will be to end celebrations by outlawing touchdowns.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

This is the week when Americans turn from their anger and suspicion toward NSA spying and look with glee toward a man in a red suit who apparently knows when we’re sleeping, when we’re awake and whether we have been good or bad.

--- 

Maybe NSA really stands for NorthPole Santa Alliance.

---

Peek through the windows of that new NSA complex in Bluffdale. If you see a bunch of elves wearing headphones and staring at computers, be very afraid.

---

This much is sure — no married man working for the NSA has any excuse for not knowing exactly what his wife wants for Christmas.

---

Meanwhile, Ed Snowden reportedly is working on a deal to obtain asylum from Brazil. Winter nights in Russia are no carnival in Rio. Most people don’t need to uncover state secrets to figure that out.

---

You would think with all the NSA’s eavesdropping ability, they would have some idea of the secrets Ed Snowden still has left to release.

---

Dennis Rodman is on another trip to North Korea. He and Kim Jong Un seem to have a good relationship. Rodman should worry, however, if Kim ever tells him he “loves him like an uncle.”

---

Kim executed his uncle, Jang Song Thaek, as a traitor. My guess is the next family reunion will be a bit awkward, but Kim will get the largest piece of cake.

---

Rodman says Kim just wants President Obama to call him. That’s because Kim won’t allow anyone else in North Korea to own a phone and he needs someone to talk to.

---

General Motors has hired its first female CEO. I guess that puts the final nail in the coffin of all those “women driver” jokes from the 1950s.

Rep. Trey Radel of Florida completed his drug rehab program last week and announced he is returning to Washington to do what “you sent me to do.” Apparently, what Floridians sent him to do involves meeting regularly with a parole officer.

In case you’re confused, here is what was happening in Washington as of last Friday: Conservative members of Congress had shut down much of the government, put many people out of work and were threatening the nation with default in order to stop a health care system that requires people to sign up for insurance on a web site that doesn’t work. Let me rephrase that. I should have said, in case you’re not confused.
❑ ❑ ❑
A survey last week found that only 7 percent of Americans believe the rollout of Obamacare has gone well. The administration considers this a ringing success, considering this is much higher than Congress’ current approval rating.
❑ ❑ ❑
An Associated Press/GfK poll found only 5 percent of Americans approve of the way Congress is doing its job. So much for the idea that Americans no longer can unite behind a cause.
❑ ❑ ❑
Ironically, 5 percent of the population just about equals the members of Congress, their families and the special interests who control them.
❑ ❑ ❑
I would give Congress a piece of my mind in a letter, but the Postal Service just missed a payment on retirement benefits for the third time and may not have enough money to buy the gas it takes to get it there.
❑ ❑ ❑
Postal officials have ideas about what it will take to make the agency profitable again, but Congress keeps marking these “return to sender.” Apparently, lawmakers worry that closing post offices and ending Saturday delivery would reduce their approval rating to something less than 5 percent.
❑ ❑ ❑
It’s sobering to think that Greece now has a more functioning government than the United States.
❑ ❑ ❑
Last week, the Obama administration allowed Utah to use its own money to reopen national parks within its borders. Given the comparison between budgets in Utah and Washington, they may ask Herbert to fund the military soon, as well.
❑ ❑ ❑
North Korea is saber-rattling again, threatening a joint military exercise by the United States and South Korea. Dennis Rodman would help, but he reportedly is trying to choose among offers from Kim Jong-un to be minister of hair coloring, trash-talk interpreter or the captain of rebounding — an important post for when North Korea’s rockets go astray.

I would say something about Anthony Weiner, but it appears he has had enough exposure already.

Given all we now know about Weiner and his Internet … uh … habits, it appears the most shocking thing we’ve heard from him lately is that he still intends to run for mayor of New York.

My guess is voters there might still forgive him if he promises to let people drink more than 16 ounces of soda pop.

The Senate passed a bill this week that ought to keep government-backed student loans at low interest rates. If there is one thing with which Congress has experience, it’s knowing how to borrow money easily.

To be fair, Congress ought to pass a law letting today’s students pass their loans onto their children or grandchildren.

If North Korea should get belligerent again any time soon, the United States could do worse than threatening to drop copies of “The Lone Ranger” or “R.I.P.D.” on them. The world hasn’t seen bombs that big in a long time.

The Postal Service still exceeds Hollywood for losses this summer. Congress now is considering eliminating door-to-door delivery to save money. The next step would be to eliminate deliveries during snow, rain, heat or gloom of night.

The Postal Services wants to deliver mail to “cluster boxes” rather than to individual homes. For example, Texas could have a cluster box in Austin, Kansas could have one in Topeka, etc.

Think of the feelings of anticipation you would get as you drive hundreds of miles to pick up your junk mail.

Maybe we’re going about this push for democracy around the world all wrong. We ought to be pushing for monarchies. Then when royal babies are born, people will be too excited to do anything bad to each other.

My favorite breaking news alert of the week: Kate Middleton still not yet skinny again.

   "On Second Thought" is a weekly feature that takes a lighthearted look at news of the day.

• Remember when the only time you had to worry about being sequestered was if you were called to jury duty?
• Given the amount of official hysteria flying around Washington last week and the relative calm that followed, it’s hard to remember. Was sequestration put in place by the White House and Congress, or was it on the Mayan calendar?
• White House strategists came up with an ingenious way to divert attention from the upcoming sequester last week: Attack Bob Woodward.
• Woodward quickly learned that, while the administration may not have the wherewithal to send an aircraft carrier into the Persian Gulf, as he had noted, it had plenty of wherewithal to attack a nosy journalist who would point this out.
• Woodward said he got an email from a high-ranking administration official saying Woodward would regret writing that the president had misstated the origins of the sequester. So, who’s regretful now?
• The old rule was to never pick a fight with someone who buys ink by the barrel. Has anyone calculated how many barrels it takes to go viral?
• Meanwhile, someone should monitor Richard Nixon’s grave for seismic activity as Bob Woodward suddenly has become the darling of the Republican Party.
• Dennis Rodman, the flamboyant NBA Hall of Famer known for coloring his hair before games and putting on wedding dresses, became the highest profile American to visit North Korea under new leader Kim Jong Un last week. We might as well deal with Kim on a level he can understand.
• The trip was filmed as part of an HBO documentary produced by the VICE media company. VICE correspondent Ryan Duffy invited Kim to visit the United States. Sure, he could even be part of a reality show —Wipeout: dictators’ version.
• Rodman reportedly told Kim, “You have a friend for life.” That’s OK. He said the same thing to Madonna once.
• Nixon used what became known as ping-pong diplomacy to forge new relationships with China. Rodman’s visit to North Korea may be described as ding-dong diplomacy
• The Utah Legislature is looking at ways to keep wild turkeys from overrunning rural neighborhoods. Only in Utah could you talk at length about wild turkey and actually mean a wild turkey.
• For years, Utah wildlife officials have imported turkeys from other states in order to boost the state’s wild turkey population. Just think if government was this successful recruiting businesses.
• Being overrun by new business people would no doubt pose some unique problems, as well. But, unlike wild turkeys, at least they use bathrooms.

“On Second Thought” is a weekly feature in the Deseret News that takes a lighthearted look at current events. This is the laboratory where I put them together each week. Let me know what you think, and please add some of your own through comments, Twitter, Facebook or email if you have any funny ideas.