A lighthearted look at news of the day:

The NFL announced this week that one of its players, a little known special teams member in Jacksonville, has not been accused of committing a crime.

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Minnesota Vikings officials last week announced they had made a mistake by saying star running back Adrian Peterson would play in the team’s next game. It’s understandable. Coaches thought they heard he fell on a knee, not that he was charged with a felony.

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The Vikings were all set to play Peterson again, until Budweiser’s Mayor of Whatever, USA, decided it was a bad idea.

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The NFL has to get this right. It has an enormous influence on society. For example, if the latest sanctions don’t keep Vladimir Putin out of Ukraine, President Obama is thinking about suspending him for two games.

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Apple recently decided to give all half-a-billion iTunes subscribers a free album by the group U2. This created a lot of confusion, as well as confusing sentences, such as, “I just got a free album from some group, you too?”

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Apple’s music giveaway made a lot of people unhappy. That makes sense, because most of us have been warned about geeks bearing gifts.

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 Utah lawmakers are thinking about requiring all students to pass a citizenship test before graduating from high school. But the test is meaningless, because those who fail would not have their citizenship revoked, while the students who are illegal aliens could pass it and still not become citizens.

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If lawmakers had any guts, they would require every elected legislator to pass the test before being allowed to assume office.

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Some of the questions are difficult, such as, “Who becomes president if both the president and vice president die?” (Hint: It’s not Alexander Haig.) (Second hint: It’s not anyone on Saturday Night Live, either.)

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Another question: What is the bill of rights? A better question is how much is it and who has to pay?

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Congress has been considering a measure to exempt Olympic athletes from paying taxes on the money they win if they medal. Where is the Occupy movement when we need them? I mean, Olympic medal winners are even more elite than the 1 percent.

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Of course, if they knew the medals were tax-exempt, maybe the U.S. hockey team might have had a greater incentive to win.

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Researchers are working hard at bringing extinct animals back to life, such as Passenger Pigeons or Woolly Mammoths, using DNA science. If they succeed, they might tackle something really hard, like Democrats in Utah.

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Do we really want to do this? What if we find out that Wooly Mammoths went extinct because they were pecked to death by Passenger Pigeons?

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A man in South Carolina was arrested recently for trying to pay a restaurant tab with a trillion-dollar bill. This shows how stupid criminals can be. He should have chosen a place where that kind of money would be more appropriate, such as the concession stand at an NBA game.

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He should have hung onto the money. It might come in handy once the Federal Reserve’s inflationary policies take hold.

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Speaking of money, a California couple recently found tin cans buried in their yard, filled with 19th century gold coins worth an estimated $10 million. Congress is now contemplating a new revenue scheme involving metal detectors.

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At least, instead of always kicking the can down the road, Congress now is going to look inside the can, first.

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The odd thing about the treasure is it was found at the end of a rainbow.

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Today’s generation isn’t going to leave many treasures like this, even by accident. The best someone from the 22nd century can hope for is a can filled with old credit cards, or with someone’s receipt for a bitcoin.

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The Utah House recently held a hearing on whether to do away with daylight saving time. People who went were heard to say, “That’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back.”

A lighthearted look at current events:

Facebook paid $19 billion last week for a startup company that employs 55 people and creates an app that essentially duplicates instant messaging. It’s called WhatsApp, which sounds very much like the question people on Wall Street were asking afterward.

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WhatsApp allows users to sign on for free for one year, then charges 99 cents a year after that, and it uses no advertising. No one seems to know if has made any money. With business decisions like this, Mark Zuckerberg may soon find himself in charge of Obamacare.

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Meanwhile, New York City agreed to pay $6.4 million to a man who spent 23 years in prison for a murder he didn’t commit. He should appeal to Mark Zuckerberg. After all, just like WhatsApp, he hasn’t done anything, either.

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An initiative process is underway in California to divide the state into six new states. Smart idea. Having six bankrupt states would attract more federal bailout money.

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Organizers might have a better shot at just taking certain parts of the state and petitioning to have them recognized as separate planets.

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The Hubble telescope reported last week that it had discovered what was thought to be the oldest thing ever seen. But then scientists realized they had accidentally pointed the thing at earth and were looking at Keith Richards.

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Or it might have been pointed at Joe Newman, the 101-year-old man in Florida who has announced he is running for Congress in the state’s 16th district. He is not running as a Republican or Democrat. Word has it he was disappointed to learn the Whig Party was no longer around.

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Newman assured voters he isn’t interested in a lengthy political career. He just needs some extra money to take care of his aging parents.

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Utah credit unions have launched a new program allowing people to register to vote at any credit union, even if they’re not members. And the best part? You don’t even have to know the first thing about politics, the issues or any of the candidates.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Under a bill proposed by Utah state Sen. Aaron Osmond, a child who doesn’t do well in school would have to attend special classes paid for by parents. Imagine how it might have changed your high school years if your failure to pass a test meant that your Dad, not you, would lose his allowance.
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Of course, in my day failing to pass a test often resulted in belt tightening of a different sort — or, to put it in language a bureaucrat would understand, “seat time.”
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The Obama administration changed its story this week after the president’s uncle told a deportation hearing the two had lived together briefly while the president was in law school. Earlier, the White House said the president had never met Onyango Obama. Now the president has acknowledged the relationship. Oh that uncle.
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Obama’s Kenyan-born uncle apparently ignored a deportation order two decades ago, which is never convenient when your nephew is trying to push for immigration reform.
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A wire service story from the not-so-distant future: “Millions of fast-food drones flew off the job Thursday to commemorate the anniversary of the week in which human workers, who once held their jobs, marched for more money.”
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With the push to use drones for all types of services, how long will it be before a certain candy company does a commercial in which two drones, one carrying chocolate, the other peanut butter, collide in midair to form a great taste sensation?
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What is the proper amount to tip a drone?
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You may think all of this sounds great. Just wait until political parties send drones to your front door every evening during the dinner hour, asking for money.
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Drones, smart cars, printable 3-D guns — why do I think we’re one step closer to some 13-year-old genius with a super virus controlling the world?
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It’s well known that the media can influence fashion trends. Now that NBC devoted three prime-time hours to a live production of The Sound of Music, how long will it be before Americans everywhere start wearing their curtains?
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I don’t have a problem suspending belief enough to accept that Captain Von Trapp might not have an Austrian accent, but how did a girl from Oklahoma end up in a convent over there right before World War II? Are we getting Rogers and Hammerstein themes mixed up? Did Ado Annie step on the wrong train in Tulsa?

Jay Evensen is associate editor of the Deseret News editorial page. E-mail him at even@desnews.com. For more content, visit his web site, www.jayevensen.com.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

Welcome to the season when Utahns prove their patriotism by setting fire to their neighborhoods.
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This year, the Legislature made it harder for cities to outlaw fireworks, just in case someone gets the subversive notion to protect the public.
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You just know one person was cheering the Supreme Court for making all those controversial decisions last week — Edward Snowden. Once the court ruled on the Defense of Marriage Act, he could have walked right down Pennsylvania Avenue without attracting attention.
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Russian President Vladimir Putin said Snowden is in the transit zone at Moscow’s airport. No word on whether he has endless free vouchers for the food court.
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If he does, he could earn money by making a sequel to “Supersize me.” U.S. authorities should let him stay there awhile, then they could more easily track him through satellites.
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Putin said Russia never worked with Snowden and isn’t planning to work with him. I’m guessing a lot depends on your definition of work. Emptying your pockets of secret information isn’t exactly something you can charge for by the hour.
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If Snowden’s reward for leaking sensitive government information is to spend the rest of his life in an airport, don’t expect to see a lot of whistle blowers at the NSA any time soon.
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That’s not to say Adam Zimmerman wasn’t grateful, as well, to be taken from the front page, at least momentarily. Given America’s short attention span, lots of people already are saying, “Wait, isn’t he that guy from Men’s Wearhouse?”
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President Obama was also grateful, as hardly anyone noticed when he gave environmentalists a summertime Christmas present by imposing energy measures through executive order.
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Speaking of Christmas, it apparently would be ironic to give the president a lump of coal in his stocking this year.
Jay Evensen is the associate editor of the Deseret News editorial page. Follow him on Twitter @jayevensen.

A lighthearted look at news of the day:

The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that companies may not patent genes. You just know someone at Levi Strauss heard that news on the radio and panicked.
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Meanwhile, the court also struck down an Arizona law that required people to prove their citizenship when registering to vote. People in Chicago were relieved. If the Arizona law caught on, they would face the challenge of proving the citizenship of dead voters.
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The American Medical Association now says obesity should be classified as a disease. Does this mean it’s OK to call in sick because you feel fat?
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“Please excuse Mary from school today. She had too many ice cream sundaes last night and needs bed rest until she can fit into her school clothes again.”
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I can never remember, is it feed a cold, starve obesity, or the other way around?
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Meanwhile, people with excessive credit card debt might want to lobby the AMA to get their own disease designation. The only problem with that is it could lead to the entire U.S. Congress receiving paid sick leave.
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President Obama’s approval ratings have plummeted in recent weeks. Thanks to the NSA, however, he has the ability to track down everyone who disapproves of him and engage them in a little re-education.
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An impeachment proceeding can be defined as an investigation to determine whether formal allegations should be presented to the state Senate for trial. Last week, Utah Republicans met and decided that, instead of impeachment proceedings against Attorney General John Swallow, they would open an investigation to see whether formal allegations should be presented to the state Senate for trial.
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Swallow, who had opposed impeachment, praised this decision. And you thought politics was hard to understand.

On Second Thought is a weekly feature that takes a lighthearted look at current events.

The only unfortunate thing about the selection of the new Pope was that major networks called the results before all the Cardinals had a chance to vote.
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Google is testing a new smartphone interface called “Google Glasses.” Users would be able to see callers, browse the Internet or get interactive map directions by wearing these devices. You just know what’s coming after this — eye implants. If Apple gets hold of this, the iEye is just around the corner.
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Of course, that might be better than Googly Eyes.
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Paul Ryan came out with his latest budget proposal this week, which includes some interesting mathematical assumptions, such as that he and Mitt Romney actually won the election last November.
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A day later, Sen. Patty Murray, D-Wash, came out with the Democrats’ plan. It also makes interesting assumptions, such as that people can’t do simple math.
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Meanwhile, polls show most Americans are unconvinced that the automatic budgets cuts that kicked in this month will cause any pain. Shocked that ending public White House tours didn’t get his message across, the president settled on the nuclear option — taking Republicans out to dinner.
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Utah lawmakers adjourned last week after giving up hope of finding any Democrats.
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Actually, there were five Democrats in the Senate. The good news is they all could commute together each day in a compact car.
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Before adjourning, the Legislature passed a bill letting everyone in the state, and most domestic animals, carry concealed firearms.
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Lawmakers almost passed a bill to prohibit the feds from confiscating guns in Utah. They gave it up after realizing Washington doesn’t have change for a $20, let alone money to confiscate guns.
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Colorado’s Legislature, meanwhile, has passed new gun-control legislation. Ha! I guess we know who would win a war between the two states.
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A new report says Americans are drinking more water than soda pop, reversing a long trend and driving New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg crazy because he can’t take credit.