A lighthearted look at news of the day
To paraphrase the late singer Jim Croce, you don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit into the wind, you don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger and you don’t stick a pie in the face of a mayor if he happens to be a former NBA player.
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Sean Thompson thought a pie in the face would be the perfect way to let Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson know he was displeased. The mayor thought pummeling Thompson was the perfect way to let him know of his own displeasure. Clearly, pie throwing lost its comedic effect somewhere between the Three Stooges and the rise of terrorism.
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Researchers believe they have proven pigeons can learn to read. That solves the mystery of how carrier pigeons find their way home. They read road signs.
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If pigeons can learn to read, the next step would be to learn to write. The imagination soars. What would a pigeon want to say to us? Build more statues?
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Researchers were hoping to get pigeons to communicate through a keyboard, but it took too long. The birds never got past the hunt-and-peck method.
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Next thing you know, the pigeons will give reading lessons to the ravens. Then humans will have a peaceful existence “Nevermore.”
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Actually, because of their unique vocal chords, pigeons can’t be taught to speak American English. The best they can do is Pidgin English.
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Tomorrow begins the presidential debate season. In preparation, the candidates have almost agreed on the weapon and number of paces.
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Donald Trump has been going through a Rocky-like preparation for the debates. He was seen hurling hard-hitting insults at a side of frozen beef and telling a scurrying chicken he’s fired for not being fast enough.
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Trump got off to a bad start by saying Monday night’s debate moderator, NBC’s Lester Holt, is a Democrat. Turns out Holt is a registered Republican. Well, there goes another black voter.
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Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is having trouble connecting with Millennials. To fix that, she decided to go on the Internet show, “Between Two Ferns” with Zach Galifianakis. She was asked questions such as, “As secretary, how many words per minute could you type?” “What happens if you become pregnant?” And, “We should stay in touch. What’s the best way to reach you? Email?” The program revealed less about Clinton than about how Millennials make election decisions.
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The United States has agreed to accept 110,000 refugees next year. The influx is expected to be a wash, however. The refugees will just be replacing Americans who flee the country after November’s election.
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Yahoo announced last week that at least 500 million people had their accounts hacked in 2014 by “a state-sponsored actor.” Police are scouring Hollywood to find an actor who lives off tax subsidies.
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Their search should be a lot narrower than when the suspect is merely a "bad actor." Then they seal all escape routes and just round everybody up.
To paraphrase the late singer Jim Croce, you don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit into the wind, you don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger and you don’t stick a pie in the face of a mayor if he happens to be a former NBA player.
---
Sean Thompson thought a pie in the face would be the perfect way to let Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson know he was displeased. The mayor thought pummeling Thompson was the perfect way to let him know of his own displeasure. Clearly, pie throwing lost its comedic effect somewhere between the Three Stooges and the rise of terrorism.
---
Researchers believe they have proven pigeons can learn to read. That solves the mystery of how carrier pigeons find their way home. They read road signs.
---
If pigeons can learn to read, the next step would be to learn to write. The imagination soars. What would a pigeon want to say to us? Build more statues?
---
Researchers were hoping to get pigeons to communicate through a keyboard, but it took too long. The birds never got past the hunt-and-peck method.
---
Next thing you know, the pigeons will give reading lessons to the ravens. Then humans will have a peaceful existence “Nevermore.”
---
Actually, because of their unique vocal chords, pigeons can’t be taught to speak American English. The best they can do is Pidgin English.
---
Tomorrow begins the presidential debate season. In preparation, the candidates have almost agreed on the weapon and number of paces.
---
Donald Trump has been going through a Rocky-like preparation for the debates. He was seen hurling hard-hitting insults at a side of frozen beef and telling a scurrying chicken he’s fired for not being fast enough.
---
Trump got off to a bad start by saying Monday night’s debate moderator, NBC’s Lester Holt, is a Democrat. Turns out Holt is a registered Republican. Well, there goes another black voter.
---
Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is having trouble connecting with Millennials. To fix that, she decided to go on the Internet show, “Between Two Ferns” with Zach Galifianakis. She was asked questions such as, “As secretary, how many words per minute could you type?” “What happens if you become pregnant?” And, “We should stay in touch. What’s the best way to reach you? Email?” The program revealed less about Clinton than about how Millennials make election decisions.
---
The United States has agreed to accept 110,000 refugees next year. The influx is expected to be a wash, however. The refugees will just be replacing Americans who flee the country after November’s election.
---
Yahoo announced last week that at least 500 million people had their accounts hacked in 2014 by “a state-sponsored actor.” Police are scouring Hollywood to find an actor who lives off tax subsidies.
---
Their search should be a lot narrower than when the suspect is merely a "bad actor." Then they seal all escape routes and just round everybody up.
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