Jay Evensen
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On Second Thought for Nov. 2, 2015

11/2/2015

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​A lighthearted look at news of the day:
 
The World Health Organization now says bacon is the new cancer stick. It might as well have said watching football makes you go blind.
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Millions of Americans find themselves negotiating, wondering how many more years they might get if they just cut back on the bacon in their maple donut bars.
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In Rochester, N.Y., a deer that had been struck by a car hobbled through the automatic sliding doors of a hospital emergency room. The Associated Press said doctors and staff strapped it to a gurney, and then it was “put down.” Reportedly, the deer’s final words were, “That’s Obamacare for you.”
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An auction house last week sold a simple little cracker that had been aboard the Titanic for $23,000. It had been taken from a lifeboat by a passenger aboard the RMS Carpathia, which rescued Titanic survivors. The enterprising passenger reportedly had said, “Some day, this cracker will help my great-great grandchildren buy a certified used car.”
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The cracker was made more valuable because it had a sell-by date of September 2017.
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Walmart announced it is launching a drone delivery program. That should be fun. Just go online and order a shotgun, then watch as the fun plays out in the skies.
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Ben Carson said he once tried to stab a friend with a knife. Now he’s surging in the polls. Maybe this was a great campaign move. Word is his handlers are advising him to say, “On second thought, I remember I used a bazooka.”
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Somewhere, former vice president Dick Chaney is remembering the time he shot his hunting companion and thinking, “Maybe I should get in this race.”
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Researchers at Clear Labs studied the composition of hot dogs and found human DNA in 2 percent of the samples. Coincidentally, they also studied presidential candidates and found little beef and a lot of filler.
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A word of caution to hot dog industry PR professionals: Avoid reacting to this by saying, “Hey, we’re only human.”
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So, bacon causes cancer and hot dogs contain human DNA. Talk about hitting America where it hurts. Somehow, I think al Qaida and ISIS are behind this.
 
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