A lighthearted look at news of the day:
The World Health Organization now says bacon is the new cancer stick. It might as well have said watching football makes you go blind.
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Millions of Americans find themselves negotiating, wondering how many more years they might get if they just cut back on the bacon in their maple donut bars.
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In Rochester, N.Y., a deer that had been struck by a car hobbled through the automatic sliding doors of a hospital emergency room. The Associated Press said doctors and staff strapped it to a gurney, and then it was “put down.” Reportedly, the deer’s final words were, “That’s Obamacare for you.”
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An auction house last week sold a simple little cracker that had been aboard the Titanic for $23,000. It had been taken from a lifeboat by a passenger aboard the RMS Carpathia, which rescued Titanic survivors. The enterprising passenger reportedly had said, “Some day, this cracker will help my great-great grandchildren buy a certified used car.”
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The cracker was made more valuable because it had a sell-by date of September 2017.
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Walmart announced it is launching a drone delivery program. That should be fun. Just go online and order a shotgun, then watch as the fun plays out in the skies.
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Ben Carson said he once tried to stab a friend with a knife. Now he’s surging in the polls. Maybe this was a great campaign move. Word is his handlers are advising him to say, “On second thought, I remember I used a bazooka.”
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Somewhere, former vice president Dick Chaney is remembering the time he shot his hunting companion and thinking, “Maybe I should get in this race.”
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Researchers at Clear Labs studied the composition of hot dogs and found human DNA in 2 percent of the samples. Coincidentally, they also studied presidential candidates and found little beef and a lot of filler.
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A word of caution to hot dog industry PR professionals: Avoid reacting to this by saying, “Hey, we’re only human.”
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So, bacon causes cancer and hot dogs contain human DNA. Talk about hitting America where it hurts. Somehow, I think al Qaida and ISIS are behind this.
The World Health Organization now says bacon is the new cancer stick. It might as well have said watching football makes you go blind.
---
Millions of Americans find themselves negotiating, wondering how many more years they might get if they just cut back on the bacon in their maple donut bars.
---
In Rochester, N.Y., a deer that had been struck by a car hobbled through the automatic sliding doors of a hospital emergency room. The Associated Press said doctors and staff strapped it to a gurney, and then it was “put down.” Reportedly, the deer’s final words were, “That’s Obamacare for you.”
---
An auction house last week sold a simple little cracker that had been aboard the Titanic for $23,000. It had been taken from a lifeboat by a passenger aboard the RMS Carpathia, which rescued Titanic survivors. The enterprising passenger reportedly had said, “Some day, this cracker will help my great-great grandchildren buy a certified used car.”
---
The cracker was made more valuable because it had a sell-by date of September 2017.
---
Walmart announced it is launching a drone delivery program. That should be fun. Just go online and order a shotgun, then watch as the fun plays out in the skies.
---
Ben Carson said he once tried to stab a friend with a knife. Now he’s surging in the polls. Maybe this was a great campaign move. Word is his handlers are advising him to say, “On second thought, I remember I used a bazooka.”
---
Somewhere, former vice president Dick Chaney is remembering the time he shot his hunting companion and thinking, “Maybe I should get in this race.”
---
Researchers at Clear Labs studied the composition of hot dogs and found human DNA in 2 percent of the samples. Coincidentally, they also studied presidential candidates and found little beef and a lot of filler.
---
A word of caution to hot dog industry PR professionals: Avoid reacting to this by saying, “Hey, we’re only human.”
---
So, bacon causes cancer and hot dogs contain human DNA. Talk about hitting America where it hurts. Somehow, I think al Qaida and ISIS are behind this.
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