A lighthearted look at news of the day
Bernie Sanders laid off hundreds of campaign workers last week. The good news is now he can focus his campaign on complaining about rising unemployment rates.
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Experts say Sanders’ decision to shrink his staff indicates he is coming to terms with Hillary Clinton’s inevitable nomination. On the Republican side, Ted Cruz showed he is coming to terms with the inevitable by announcing his running mate.
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Cruz’s running mate, Carly Fiorina, appeared excited with the prospect of being only a heartbeat away from returning to Hewlett-Packard. Together, they plan to sweep all the delegates in the state of denial.
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Word has it Cruz originally wanted Ben Carson, but no one was able to wake him up.
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Cruz has no mathematical way to gain enough delegates before the convention to assure the nomination. This may be the first time someone in such a position has announced a running mate. The good news for Cruz is that, in a little while, he’ll have lots of spare time to interview people for his cabinet.
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In a speech at Stanford, former House Speaker John Boehner referred to Ted Cruz as “Lucifer in the flesh.” This violates a cardinal rule of politics, which is to always couch your insults so that you can go even lower if you have to. Now, if Cruz were to somehow be nominated in a contested convention, the only attack Boehner has left against Hillary is, “Let’s go with the devil we know.”
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In Rochester, N.Y., a 12-year-old girl entered a 5K race and accidentally ended up running a half marathon. I think we can all agree it’s frustrating whenever this happens.
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Last week, my iPhone started talking to itself. A news app featured a commentator talking about the fighting in Syria. Siri thought he was talking about her and said, "I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean by 'Attacking terrorist forces.'" Apple may be losing money, but Siri has a future in politics. Her kind of honesty is rare.
Bernie Sanders laid off hundreds of campaign workers last week. The good news is now he can focus his campaign on complaining about rising unemployment rates.
---
Experts say Sanders’ decision to shrink his staff indicates he is coming to terms with Hillary Clinton’s inevitable nomination. On the Republican side, Ted Cruz showed he is coming to terms with the inevitable by announcing his running mate.
---
Cruz’s running mate, Carly Fiorina, appeared excited with the prospect of being only a heartbeat away from returning to Hewlett-Packard. Together, they plan to sweep all the delegates in the state of denial.
---
Word has it Cruz originally wanted Ben Carson, but no one was able to wake him up.
---
Cruz has no mathematical way to gain enough delegates before the convention to assure the nomination. This may be the first time someone in such a position has announced a running mate. The good news for Cruz is that, in a little while, he’ll have lots of spare time to interview people for his cabinet.
---
In a speech at Stanford, former House Speaker John Boehner referred to Ted Cruz as “Lucifer in the flesh.” This violates a cardinal rule of politics, which is to always couch your insults so that you can go even lower if you have to. Now, if Cruz were to somehow be nominated in a contested convention, the only attack Boehner has left against Hillary is, “Let’s go with the devil we know.”
---
In Rochester, N.Y., a 12-year-old girl entered a 5K race and accidentally ended up running a half marathon. I think we can all agree it’s frustrating whenever this happens.
---
Last week, my iPhone started talking to itself. A news app featured a commentator talking about the fighting in Syria. Siri thought he was talking about her and said, "I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean by 'Attacking terrorist forces.'" Apple may be losing money, but Siri has a future in politics. Her kind of honesty is rare.
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