Donald Trump celebrated his 70th birthday last week. What do you get a guy like that? There’s always the book, “Insults for dummies,” but that would be like giving Hillary Clinton a beginner’s primer on how to email.
Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders met privately with Hillary Clinton last week but was disappointed when she refused to drop out of the race.
Hillary Clinton had a lot of embarrassing things in those emails she deleted from her days as Secretary of State. At least, I have that on good authority from Julian Assange, who heard it from Vladimir Putin, who apparently has been hacking into the emails of Democrats for years.
In fact, here’s an alleged transcript of a meeting that may or may not have taken place in a secret room that may or may not exist beneath an unassuming pizzeria in Moscow:
Edward Snowden: The secret meeting of the No Secrets Society will come to order. Vladimir, I believe you have an item of business.
Vladimir Putin: Da, thank you.
Julian Assange (via Skype): Did you say “Duh”?
Vladimir Putin: What?
Julian Assange: Don’t take that tone. Maybe the world would like to see your emails.
Vladimir Putin: I don’t email, peasant. Go back to Sweden, why don’t you.
Edward Snowden: Gentlemen, please! Must it always go like this? Keep your shirts on.
Julian Assange: Well, that suggestion would be nice for someone here.
Vladimir Putin: Ahem! Whatever, I’m passing out the latest strategies of the Democratic National Committee for your perusal, taken from our usual hackers in the Kremlin. Here is how they intend to go after Donald Trump.
Edward Snowden: Private dalliances, foreign investments – this is all stuff he brags about in public.
Waiter: Who ordered the potato calzone?
Edward Snowden: That would be Vladi.
Vladimir Putin: Thank you. Here are some extra rubles for your poor, starving family.
Waiter: Thank you, sir!
Julian Assange: Where were we?
Vladimir Putin: Yes, we were looking at Democratic strategy. Notice how much better these print out than Hillary’s old emails from her home server. They must be using upgraded software.
Julian Assange: I’ve already told the American media I have information on her that will get her indicted before the election. I love watching her squirm.
Edward Snowden: Wait, did either of you notice anything suspicious about the orange, wavy hair of that waiter?